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Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide [Hardcover]

Linda Babcock , Sara Laschever
4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (27 customer reviews)

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Book Description

September 2, 2003

When Linda Babcock asked why so many male graduate students were teaching their own courses and most female students were assigned as assistants, her dean said: "More men ask. The women just don't ask." It turns out that whether they want higher salaries or more help at home, women often find it hard to ask. Sometimes they don't know that change is possible--they don't know that they can ask. Sometimes they fear that asking may damage a relationship. And sometimes they don't ask because they've learned that society can react badly to women asserting their own needs and desires.

By looking at the barriers holding women back and the social forces constraining them, Women Don't Ask shows women how to reframe their interactions and more accurately evaluate their opportunities. It teaches them how to ask for what they want in ways that feel comfortable and possible, taking into account the impact of asking on their relationships. And it teaches all of us how to recognize the ways in which our institutions, child-rearing practices, and unspoken assumptions perpetuate inequalities--inequalities that are not only fundamentally unfair but also inefficient and economically unsound.

With women's progress toward full economic and social equality stalled, women's lives becoming increasingly complex, and the structures of businesses changing, the ability to negotiate is no longer a luxury but a necessity. Drawing on research in psychology, sociology, economics, and organizational behavior as well as dozens of interviews with men and women from all walks of life, Women Don't Ask is the first book to identify the dramatic difference between men and women in their propensity to negotiate for what they want. It tells women how to ask, and why they should.


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Princeton University Press (September 2, 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 069108940X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0691089409
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 1 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (27 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #578,755 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Men ask for what they want twice as often as women do and initiate negotiation four times more, report economist Linda Babcock and writer Sara Laschever in the footnoted but engaging Women Don't Ask. With vivid research examples drawn from cradle, classroom and playground, the authors detail culture as the culprit in discouraging women from negotiating on their own behalf.

Men, socialized in a "scrappier paradigm," learn to pursue and energize their goals at work and home. The two key elements are control and recognizing opportunity. For example, girls, rewarded for hard work, learn to see control as outside of themselves while boys are urged to take charge. Boys are schooled to recognize opportunity and girls to choose safe targets.

Several chapters are focused on prescription; how women can decrease anxiety, anticipate roadblocks, plan counter-moves and resist conceding too much or too soon. The authors shine in their examination of culture and gender--and their optimism about how women can counter the culture. They falter whenever they adopt the "sexes-from-a-different-planet" fallacy. Most notably, in a chapter that details a "female approach" to negotiating. Overall, the authors have created a smart summary of research and used it to affirm every woman's urgent right to ask. --Barbara Mackoff

From Publishers Weekly

Babcock and Laschever, contrary to their book's title, do ask a series of questions: Why do most women see a negotiation as an automatic fight instead of a chance to get what they deserve? Why are women afraid to ask for what they want in the workplace? And perhaps most importantly, why don't women feel entitled to ask for it? True to their academic backgrounds, Babcock (a Carnegie Mellon economist) and writer Laschever seek their answers in a series of gender psychology and economics studies (some done by them, most done by others). They cite numerous studies indicating that women are socialized to feel pushy and overbearing if they pursue their ideal situation when it spells potential conflict with employers or co-workers. The authors also use anecdotal evidence to support their claim that women are taught to feel like every negotiation is a monumental threat to a personal relationship, rather than a fact of business life (the view held by most men, they say). Their argument has important practical ramifications: the authors cite one study that estimates "a woman who routinely negotiates her salary increases will earn over one million dollars more by the time she retires than a woman who accepts what she's offered every time without asking for more." Babcock and Laschever's work is a great resource for anyone who doubts there is still a great disparity between the salary earnings of men and women in comparable professions. Alas, it isn't as successful at eloquence as it is at academic rigor.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Princeton University Press (September 2, 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 069108940X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0691089409
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 1 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (27 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #578,755 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
(27)
4.6 out of 5 stars
This book should be required reading for everyone in high school. Mary A. Powell  |  4 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
42 of 44 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Powerful!! February 4, 2004
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase
I read this book in almost one sitting. It has compelling factual data and riveting anecdotes. But, unlike Backlash, by Susan Faludi, which was almost totally negative, the authors also look at women's strengths in negotiation, and give some ideas for how to put their ideas into action.

It's not a how-to-negotiate book; I've spent the last 23 years practicing corporate law, negotiating sophisticated legal transactions and running an in-house department. This book goes beyond "how to" into "why". Essential reading for any woman!
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29 of 33 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Familiar, But Well-Supported March 6, 2005
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase
There isn't anything surprising in here to any woman who has been around the business world for a while. However, the book's real value is that it provides empirical evidence to support Everywoman's anecdotal observations.

What I found most useful about this book is evidence cited that women's "tend and befriend," cooperative approach to negotiation results in greater gains in the long run, in part because of women's ability to reframe. It also confirmed my impression that women are more successful in business when they soften their mode of delivery (although not their message).

The authors further reframe the scope of "negotiation" to include women's personal, including homemaking, lives, to remind us all that equality should not end at the thresholds to our homes.

Ultimately, every negotiator has to find his or her own personal style. This book made me feel just that much better about including lipstick and high heels in my arsenal.
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16 of 18 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommended January 28, 2004
Format:Hardcover
This book is incredibly well-researched and thoughtfully laid out. It builds its case beautifully with interesting examples, then backs it up with empirical research. And credit to the authors' writing styles, for they do not point fingers or whine about the way things are. And they never fall into a dry style of writing. The book flows nicely, and is easy to read.
Most importantly, they shine a light on issues women have in asking for what they deserve and by laying out their case in such a well-articulated fashion, they help provide answers that we can all act upon and move forward with.
The issues that the book explores impact women across all facets of their life -- from negotiating child care responsibilites to getting the recognition and compensation they deserve on the job. As a co-author of the business book "The Old Girls' Network", I see these issues in evidence in how women buiness owners also negotiate -- for contracts, for customers, in how they price their products and reticence about charging appropriately. So, I would say this book has broad appeal to stay at home moms, women in corporate life and for the large contingent of female entrepreneurs. It is a must-have addition to all of our reading lists, and one that should bring positive results.
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30 of 38 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars First Rate October 23, 2003
Format:Hardcover
First Rate

Linda Babcock is the James Mellon Walton Professor of Economics at the H. John Heinz III School of Public Policy and Management of Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She holds a Ph.D. in economics from the University of Wisconsin at Madison and is a well-published specialist in negotiation and dispute resolution.

Sara Laschever is a prolific writer and editor with extensive experience in gender research. Ms. Laschever was a research associate and principal interviewer for Project Access, a Harvard University study of the effect of gender on the advancement of women in science. She holds a Master's degree from Boston University.

Women Don't Ask is a work with multiple interwoven themes. At its core, it is an important study of gender differences in negotiations. It is also a handbook for women offering concrete advice on how to improve their performance in negotiations.

Still further, it is a book about possibilities. Centering on traditional areas of women's strengths in sharing information and building and preserving relationships, it concludes that women are potentially in a position to use these qualities with great effect in collaborative negotiating environments. Gender differences, therefore, include both hurdles to be overcome and promises for enhanced performance for women in negotiations.

Lastly, the reader will find the book presents a compelling case for the necessity of participation and skill in negotiations as an increasingly critical survival mechanism for both women and men in contemporary life. Although focusing primarily on women, the authors present an array of general statistics defining an environment in which all workers need to bargain repeatedly with a succession of employers for salaries and benefits....

The central thesis of this book is that the enhancement of negotiating performance is essential to improving the quality of life for women. The corollary message for those many men who do not negotiate well is equally clear. Negotiation is a critical skill for both sexes. This work, of course, is focused on enhancing women's skills.

Why don't women negotiate well, because they do not ask, the authors assert. Using multiple studies and over 100 interviews with women and men in the U.S., Britain and Europe, the authors draw a portrait of gender differences in negotiations.

A study of starting salaries received by recently graduating students at Carnegie Mellon University is central to the authors' conclusions. Starting salaries reported by the students showed that women received starting salaries averaging $4,000 below their male peers. Why?

Fifty-seven percent of the men negotiated their employment package vs. only seven percent of the women. This book explores the significant economic impacts of the decision by some graduates to negotiate vs. the decision of others not to negotiate at all. The results for those who negotiated, both women and men, produced an average gain of over $4,000 per year in starting salary, almost precisely the gender pay gap reported by the group itself. The conclusion, of course, is that the gender difference in rates of initiation of salary negotiations is directly correlated to the gap.

A variety of other research studies back up this assumption. The authors cite a study showing that men are two to three times as likely to initiate negotiations as women (p.3). Another study reports that twenty percent of women executives stated that they never negotiate at all (p. 113). Clearly, as the authors point out, the most important negotiating tactic is "choosing to negotiate at all (p.6).

Since this is a book about women and negotiating, the authors move forward to explore why the socialization of women leads to an avoidance of negotiations or poorer performance when they participate in negotiations. For those forty-three percent of male Carnegie Mellon graduates who also did not negotiate their starting salaries, there is a clear and equally important warning, but their answer is not the subject of this book.

"Women set lower targets and settle for less in their negotiations because they lack confidence in their ability to negotiate effectively," the authors tell us (p.140). The reasons for this gender difference are clearly spelled out in the book. It will be a revelation for many men, perhaps most, but my own informal sample of women found that many of them know most of the reasons already. What they do not know is how to change it.

Of particular interest, therefore, is the remedy Babcock and Laschever propose for this situation. The answer for improving the performance of women in negotiations, the authors assert, lies in self-management training. "... Increasing women's feelings of control over the negotiation process eliminated the gender gap in performance" (p.114).

Readers will find an interesting and persuasive exploration of this research carefully linking to their earlier work. You will, of course, need to read the book to see why they believe this is so.

The authors conclude with a statement of belief that, freed from anxiety and other social scriptures that are present barriers, women can achieve extraordinary success as negotiators by capitalizing on their other gender based qualities. Women are listeners, sharers and relationship builders and these gender-based factors, the authors assert, position them for leadership in the new collaborative negotiations thrust, the authors assert.

There is much more here than this review can explore, including a chapter on negotiating at home as well as in the work place.

It is a well-researched, carefully analyzed and interesting book that is certain to be widely read, discussed and debated throughout the organizational world and is, therefore, a "must read" both women and men.

Highly recommended.

John D. Baker, Ph.D.
Editor, The Negotiator Magazine Read more ›

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26 of 33 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly Recommended! February 29, 2004
Format:Hardcover
The debate on gender equity often emphasizes that women earn less than men with similar experience. Authors Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever say that while women may indeed be the victims of external forces, they also to some extent may suffer from their own inability, unwillingness or aversion to negotiate or make demands. In fact, men negotiate four times as frequently as women, and get better results. Men are much more apt to make demands and ask for benefits, pay increases and so forth. Men make more money not necessarily because the system is overtly discriminatory - though it well may be - but because men demand more. The book tends to belabor its point, and sometimes the evidence does not seem as well-presented as it might have been, but We found that it sheds useful light on a knotty social problem. Perhaps it will spur more women to fight - or to continue to fight - on their own behalf.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Great insights into some habits
This book was an excellent insight into some of the subtle ways women actually set themselves back. I was surprised at how many ways I have kept myself from going after what I... Read more
Published 29 days ago by J. Churchill
5.0 out of 5 stars Exellent!
This is a terrific book and can change a woman's life if she will take Linda Babcock's and Sara Laschever's advice!
Published 1 month ago by Roselyn Wilkinson
3.0 out of 5 stars Interesting research
The book provided interesting research and examples of how women don't ask. However, there were no recommendations on how this could be rectified on a personal level.
Published 2 months ago by Kathleen P McDonald
5.0 out of 5 stars A Different At Negotiating
I think this book presents a unique perspective. It really does give you how negotiating differ from men and women. Read more
Published 2 months ago by The Prof.
4.0 out of 5 stars Eye opening
I am interviewing for a post-graduate job and I asked a successful woman in my field for some negotiating advice. She recommended this book. Read more
Published on January 21, 2007 by M. Tremblay
5.0 out of 5 stars Should be required reading for women before interviewing
This book is full of eye-opening thoughts that I found so crucial to my own sense of empowerment as I faced post-graduate school job negotiation opportunities. Read more
Published on January 9, 2007 by Oafie
5.0 out of 5 stars Ladies, you'll love this book!
I love this book! A must read for any career woman. It was recommended by my mentor at work. I wish I had read it earlier in my career, but I'm thankful I've read it now.
Published on January 4, 2007 by B. Casillas
5.0 out of 5 stars Interesting read supported by substantial data
Women Don't Ask is a book that attempts to discover the reasons behind the documented inequity between women and men in the workplace. Read more
Published on December 29, 2006 by Cynthia S. Lyman
3.0 out of 5 stars Women Don't Know..........
I just felt that this book only told about the situation, (which I do find is the case in my experience as a women--basically I shut down when it comes to negotiation, and my... Read more
Published on November 3, 2006 by Lisaannevictoria
5.0 out of 5 stars I have financially benefited from this book
I read this book 2 years ago and it solidified my view that negotiation was something I had to do more of. Read more
Published on October 18, 2006 by JMD
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