Customer Reviews

Women Don't Ask: The High Cost of Avoiding Negotiation--and Positive Strategies for Change

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I read this book in almost one sitting. It has compelling factual data and riveting anecdotes. But, unlike Backlash, by Susan Faludi, which was almost totally negative, the authors also look at women's strengths in negotiation, and give some ideas for how to put their ideas into action.

It's not a how-to-negotiate book; I've spent the last 23 years practicing corporate law, negotiating sophisticated legal transactions and running an in-house department. This book goes beyond "how to" into "why". Essential reading for any woman!

This book does a wonderful job of sharing all the research which explains why women are less likely to negotiate, less likely to ask for what they want, and less likely to get what they want. However, what's missing from this book is how women can overcome these barriers. The sequel to this book, "Ask For It", does a great job answering that question. If you're looking for ideas of how to improve woman's likelihood to negotiate and a woman's likelihood to ask, buy the sequel. If you're interested in WHY women are less likely to ask, stick with this book!

There isn't anything surprising in here to any woman who has been around the business world for a while. However, the book's real value is that it provides empirical evidence to support Everywoman's anecdotal observations.

What I found most useful about this book is evidence cited that women's "tend and befriend," cooperative approach to negotiation results in greater gains in the long run, in part because of women's ability to reframe. It also confirmed my impression that women are more successful in business when they soften their mode of delivery (although not their message).

The authors further reframe the scope of "negotiation" to include women's personal, including homemaking, lives, to remind us all that equality should not end at the thresholds to our homes.

Ultimately, every negotiator has to find his or her own personal style. This book made me feel just that much better about including lipstick and high heels in my arsenal.

This book is incredibly well-researched and thoughtfully laid out. It builds its case beautifully with interesting examples, then backs it up with empirical research. And credit to the authors' writing styles, for they do not point fingers or whine about the way things are. And they never fall into a dry style of writing. The book flows nicely, and is easy to read.
Most importantly, they shine a light on issues women have in asking for what they deserve and by laying out their case in such a well-articulated fashion, they help provide answers that we can all act upon and move forward with.
The issues that the book explores impact women across all facets of their life -- from negotiating child care responsibilites to getting the recognition and compensation they deserve on the job. As a co-author of the business book "The Old Girls' Network", I see these issues in evidence in how women buiness owners also negotiate -- for contracts, for customers, in how they price their products and reticence about charging appropriately. So, I would say this book has broad appeal to stay at home moms, women in corporate life and for the large contingent of female entrepreneurs. It is a must-have addition to all of our reading lists, and one that should bring positive results.

First Rate

Linda Babcock is the James Mellon Walton Professor of Economics at the H. John Heinz III School of Public Policy and Management of Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She holds a Ph.D. in economics from the University of Wisconsin at Madison and is a well-published specialist in negotiation and dispute resolution.

Sara Laschever is a prolific writer and editor with extensive experience in gender research. Ms. Laschever was a research associate and principal interviewer for Project Access, a Harvard University study of the effect of gender on the advancement of women in science. She holds a Master's degree from Boston University.

Women Don't Ask is a work with multiple interwoven themes. At its core, it is an important study of gender differences in negotiations. It is also a handbook for women offering concrete advice on how to improve their performance in negotiations.

Still further, it is a book about possibilities. Centering on traditional areas of women's strengths in sharing information and building and preserving relationships, it concludes that women are potentially in a position to use these qualities with great effect in collaborative negotiating environments. Gender differences, therefore, include both hurdles to be overcome and promises for enhanced performance for women in negotiations.

Lastly, the reader will find the book presents a compelling case for the necessity of participation and skill in negotiations as an increasingly critical survival mechanism for both women and men in contemporary life. Although focusing primarily on women, the authors present an array of general statistics defining an environment in which all workers need to bargain repeatedly with a succession of employers for salaries and benefits.

The central thesis of this book is that the enhancement of negotiating performance is essential to improving the quality of life for women. The corollary message for those many men who do not negotiate well is equally clear. Negotiation is a critical skill for both sexes. This work, of course, is focused on enhancing women's skills.

Why don't women negotiate well, because they do not ask, the authors assert. Using multiple studies and over 100 interviews with women and men in the U.S., Britain and Europe, the authors draw a portrait of gender differences in negotiations.

A study of starting salaries received by recently graduating students at Carnegie Mellon University is central to the authors' conclusions. Starting salaries reported by the students showed that women received starting salaries averaging $4,000 below their male peers. Why?

Fifty-seven percent of the men negotiated their employment package vs. only seven percent of the women. This book explores the significant economic impacts of the decision by some graduates to negotiate vs. the decision of others not to negotiate at all. The results for those who negotiated, both women and men, produced an average gain of over $4,000 per year in starting salary, almost precisely the gender pay gap reported by the group itself. The conclusion, of course, is that the gender difference in rates of initiation of salary negotiations is directly correlated to the gap.

A variety of other research studies back up this assumption. The authors cite a study showing that men are two to three times as likely to initiate negotiations as women (p.3). Another study reports that twenty percent of women executives stated that they never negotiate at all (p. 113). Clearly, as the authors point out, the most important negotiating tactic is "choosing to negotiate at all (p.6).

Since this is a book about women and negotiating, the authors move forward to explore why the socialization of women leads to an avoidance of negotiations or poorer performance when they participate in negotiations. For those forty-three percent of male Carnegie Mellon graduates who also did not negotiate their starting salaries, there is a clear and equally important warning, but their answer is not the subject of this book.

"Women set lower targets and settle for less in their negotiations because they lack confidence in their ability to negotiate effectively," the authors tell us (p.140). The reasons for this gender difference are clearly spelled out in the book. It will be a revelation for many men, perhaps most, but my own informal sample of women found that many of them know most of the reasons already. What they do not know is how to change it.

Of particular interest, therefore, is the remedy Babcock and Laschever propose for this situation. The answer for improving the performance of women in negotiations, the authors assert, lies in self-management training. "... Increasing women's feelings of control over the negotiation process eliminated the gender gap in performance" (p.114).

Readers will find an interesting and persuasive exploration of this research carefully linking to their earlier work. You will, of course, need to read the book to see why they believe this is so.

The authors conclude with a statement of belief that, freed from anxiety and other social scriptures that are present barriers, women can achieve extraordinary success as negotiators by capitalizing on their other gender based qualities. Women are listeners, sharers and relationship builders and these gender-based factors, the authors assert, position them for leadership in the new collaborative negotiations thrust, the authors assert.

There is much more here than this review can explore, including a chapter on negotiating at home as well as in the work place.

It is a well-researched, carefully analyzed and interesting book that is certain to be widely read, discussed and debated throughout the organizational world and is, therefore, a "must read" both women and men.

Highly recommended.

John D. Baker, Ph.D.
Editor, The Negotiator Magazine

The debate on gender equity often emphasizes that women earn less than men with similar experience. Authors Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever say that while women may indeed be the victims of external forces, they also to some extent may suffer from their own inability, unwillingness or aversion to negotiate or make demands. In fact, men negotiate four times as frequently as women, and get better results. Men are much more apt to make demands and ask for benefits, pay increases and so forth. Men make more money not necessarily because the system is overtly discriminatory - though it well may be - but because men demand more. The book tends to belabor its point, and sometimes the evidence does not seem as well-presented as it might have been, but We found that it sheds useful light on a knotty social problem. Perhaps it will spur more women to fight - or to continue to fight - on their own behalf.

After reading this book, I made myself endure moments of discomfort so I could act on what I learned. Result: a higher income. Women, it's OK to ask. Just do it nicely. Ask for what you want, in a calm, neutral voice, then be silent. Really zip it. You'll want to speak more, but don't. Wait quietly as events unfold in your favor. Actually, scratch that. Ask for more than what you want. Then ... hush. I have given this advice to friends, who also then got salary increases.

There's more to this book than that: I learned so much about gender differences that surprised me and discovered that my lack of insight was in fact harming me, unnecessarily. Another key takeaway: Don't negotiate or talk like a man. We have to conduct ourselves in the feminine style that is actually quite natural to us, as it turns out. This book validates and elucidates that style, making it easier to do what's natural more confidently and with best possible results.

I tell my closest friends this is a must-read. The one warning I'd give: It's detailed in its presentation of the research that unearthed the authors' insights, which for me was a plus. I think it was very well done. But some people may find it border-line academic in tone. *Some* people, that is. i didn't.

Another in my series of reading books that my wife has left lying around the house. This book studies why women don't seem to ask for things as frequently as men do - and the impact of not asking. I was fascinated by the data presented - in short, that (in general) men seem to view everything in life as negotiable, while women consider most things as non-negotiable. In fact, I noticed this yesterday at the local Big 5 store - the guy in front of me just flat out asked for an extra discount - no reason given - and he got 10% off, just for asking. I asked about a AAA discount, but the clerk seemed to have run out of freebies. This book was certainly useful to me as we bought a car and arranged to have our house painted during the period I read it. (Total savings, $700 and I could have done better).

This book was also very relevant to me as a parent, as I see Matthew always asks for what he wants, with no qualms at all - whereas Emily is more hesitant as she considers the ramifications of her request (will I get mad, will relationships be endangered, perhaps I will guess what she wants without her having to ask, etc.). All in all, lots of good lessons for Emily and I.

Also, the book does not simply say "men ask for more, they get more, women should be like men" - but rather point out ways in which women's typical negotiating style (relationship oriented) can work out well in the long run and how women can leverage that style to be more effective. But I think it also helps women to realize that much of life is actually negotiable and that there are opportunities waiting to be grabbed.

Women Don't Ask is one of the best blends of "journalism + academic writing" that I have seen. As I have noted before, journalist writing is often "light" - statements are not deeply justified, ramifications not fully explored, objections not effectively countered. On the other hand, academic writing (which has none of those flaws) can be dense and unreadable. This book is a near-perfect balance. Probably helps that one author is a journalist and the other is a professor - but the book is co-written seamlessly.

This book is full of eye-opening thoughts that I found so crucial to my own sense of empowerment as I faced post-graduate school job negotiation opportunities. There are so many things I would never have thought of as options to set on the negotiating table, not to mention so many things about how I behave, what my expectations are for myself, and how they differ from those of a typical male perspective. Even though I am educated in a human social science field and consider myself a liberal woman, I had A LOT to learn from this book. I liked the mix of examples of diverse individual women's experiences along with data from the authors' and others' relevant studies.

An invaluable reference took, the authors have delivered much-needed research to support their arguments. Rather than offer the usual gender-based diatribe, they detail important findings from the best sources and offer valid, pointed arguments while asking challenging questions. Readers will be rewarded with insights into the condition of gender relations in modern work environments as well as benefiting from the authors' well-supported views.