Customer Reviews

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men

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I recently ordered this book for my wife's birthday as a way of opening up one more avenue of communication and understanding in our marriage. After reading it myself first, I increasingly felt very hesitant to give it to my wife. Why? Although the book certainly raises important issues that are a great conversational starting point, I can't help but feel that Feldhahn's book is saturated with a particular kind of "submissive wife" ideology common in various evangelical Protestant circles. One of Feldhahn's driving theses is that men are wired a certain way, so the key to a successful marriage is for women to discover the intricacies of that wiring and then adapt themselves accordingly (Feldhahn tells her women readers that these "fascinating new secrets" about men are "supposed to change and improve us [women]" [p.19-20]). Although that might be in fact what men want, I'm unconvinced that is always what we or our marriages need. Following the suggestions in this book might make a happier husband but a more unfulfilled, subservient wife.

That's not to say I can't relate to much of what she describes. Her analysis of the inner wiring of men is interesting and accurate for the most part (although certainly some aspects are probably overstated), but it's her prescriptive "solutions" that seem misguided. In my experience, a marriage works best when good communication leads to mutual compromises. To have wives coddle their husbands might produce the desired results in the short term, but I think it is worth thinking about the reciprocal nature of a good marriage for long-term success. Is it too much to ask that husbands should work just as hard to figure out the needs and desires of their wives and adapt themselves as well? I hope not. Unless this is a two-side process, the long term benefits are questionable at best.

But again, she does manage to capture many of the core struggles of the average man. No one man (hopefully) embodies all the fears, anxieties, and problems she describes, but it would be a rare man that could identify with none of them. I still plan on giving the book to my wife (with a host of qualifications) because it does in some ways describe my own inner fears, desires, and struggles, but my hesitancy to do so still remains simply because of the implicit message to women.

I am a bookstore junkie, big time, and one of my absolute favorite bookstores is LifeWay. While I was browsing one day about a month ago, I came across this book in the new release section. Having already read a fiction book by Shaunti Feldhahn, I picked up this non-fiction book even though I thought the cover was rather lame (also, Beth Moore's favorable quote on the cover got my attention). I started reading and by the time I had scanned (in depth) the first 3 chapters, I knew I was on to something important. My wife is not as "into" these types of books as I am, so I chose to run it by her first. I waited a couple of days until the moment seemed right to bring up the topic, and asked her if she wouldn't mind if I gave her the book (I explained it briefly) - she said she wouldn't mind at all. So I bought it the next day and gave it to her that night. My wife is a processor, luckily for me, and she is reading a chapter every few days and then letting that one soak in. If you should choose to read this book, I would urge you to take your time reading it. Each chapter goes into depth in a particular area concerning men, but does so in a way that is not bogged down in psych tech-speak. At a point about 4 chapters in, she asked me to read the book and decide which chapters fit me more than others - she wanted me to, in essence, rank the chapters. She had a tough time wording how she was feeling as she read more and more of the book, but what I gather is that she is genuinely taken aback by what the author has found out about men, and possibly even having a little trouble processing all the information, some of which, no doubt, is new to her, or if not new, I dare say she had no idea as to the depth.

After reading the book myself, this is what I want to say to you, the wives. There is no chapter in this book that doesn't hit home and thus felicitously apply to what I believe would be a normal man, and by normal, I mean most of us. Much of what is contained in this book is of a deeply personal nature - stuff that some of us men would feel (to varying degrees) uncomfortable talking about with our wives. Just let me try to say what most if not all of husbands would say to their wives if asked by their wives about the content of this book.

* "Yes, the contents of the book are true, even though it may be alarming (maybe even shocking) to you."

* "It's possible that some chapters may apply more than others, but trust me, the entirety of this book is dead on target, with all chapters applying to the makeup of who I am."

* "Sometimes I wish God had not `hard-wired' me to be like this, but I know with total certainty that I am created in the image of God - I am created exactly the way God intended, thus, in retrospect, 100% of the time, after consideration, I am very glad God created me like this."

* "Likewise, though you are indeed so often a puzzle to me, I am equally glad God created you to be mysterious to me, because it's more often a wonderful mystery than a frustrating mystery."

* "Please be cautious how you talk to me about this book. Remember, much of the content is of a delicate nature, if it wasn't, I would have already talked to you about the subject matter of each chapter."

* "If you ever find a book that is similar to this one, but written for men, please buy it for me and give it to me right away. I am always looking for ways to be a better husband to you."

I truly feel that the author has written this book in a way to be as far from preachy as I can imagine. I suspect that you will feel her surprise with her as she was gathering the survey and interview results and other enlightening material for this book. Here is a woman who loves her husband deeply, but married life is, of course, not without frustration. Perhaps, she was mystified by her husband one too many times, and, putting on her investigative hat, decided to go to a fount of results - the opinions of about four hundred men. She got answers, and those answers just may increase your understanding of men and strengthen your marriage to a level you thought not possible. Highly recommended to any wife who loves her husband.

I thought I was happily married, I mean, come on I love my husband, and he loves me. I'm a Flight Attendant and successful author, what is there left to learn about men, that I don't know. Then I saw an interview with Shaunti on TV and I was stunned. The book sounded facinating. She interviewed 1,000 guys and tallied up the results. I got the book - read it in one setting and then quizzed my husband. "Honey, you don't think this...do you?" He did. My eyes were opened. And I saw my husband as "so different" from me, someone who responds to different things, will respond differently than me. You need to get this book. I have told everyone I know, men and woman, this book will change your marriage.

This was an excellent book. Before giving my own personal review of it though I'd like to answer a few of the critics of the book (as in the critics in the Amazon reviews below)

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As per M. Duffy comments under "So What?" M. declares that "She's not changing for any man." This sounds like the comments of someone who expects that any man who's with her should change everything about himself to suit her. The fact is that relationships are a TWO-WAY street: this book is meant to be one-half of the overall issue (the author is very clear about this). The book in no way says that "men should do whatever they want and women should only do what the man wants them to do." If that's how M. Duffy read the book, she's sadly mistaken. If she knows that the book isn't saying the above but she's pretending that's what it's saying, then she's simply being intellectually dishonest, making her review irrelevant.

As per I. Bodden's comments: Her review is just drooling with disdain for anyone who doesn't have as high and mighty of views as she does. Perhaps it's time to open her eyes to the fact that not everyone has the "knowledge" that she does, and perhaps a lot of these "obvious" things are not so obvious. Her cheap shots at 'religious' people also reveals either that 1. she's simply had bad experience with 'religious' people (which is unfortunate, but you cannot judge any philosophy/religion by its illogical outworkings) or 2. her own mind is too tiny to comprehend the idea of the supernatural (I find that most people only accuse other people of having 'closed minds' when that particular person disagrees with the one who's making the accusation) or 3. (and most likely) she is too afraid to think that there may just be a higher power.
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On with the actual review of this book! (I should note that I'm not a woman... a close female friend of mine lent this book to my wife who read it and then wanted my opinion, which is why I read it.)

This book is not meant to be an exhaustive study - the book itself (not including excerpts from other readings at the end) is only 188 pages...obviously this won't cover every last thing. In other words, I can understand Emily E. Spinozzi's comments in her review, but this book is not meant to cover as in depth as she was hoping. The book serves as an excellent INTRODUCTION to issues surrounding what many (not all) men want.

Nowhere in the book does Feldhahn claim that ALL MEN feel/want the things that are in this book. That is to say that throughout the book, Feldhahn talks about how MOST men want/feel such and such. You may read this book and your husband/boyfriend/etc may disagree with the entire book. That's not the point. The point is that MANY men feel/want the things in this book, so it's worth considering the things in this book.

Some of the topics/thoughts covered in this book are:

- "a man's need to have his judgment respected"
- "don't tell him how"
- "the most fragile thing on the planet"
- "I have no earthy idea how to do this"
- "the imposter at work"
- "affirmation is everything"
- "create a safety zone"
- "haunted by romantic failures"
- "it's difficult to change gears"
- "playing together is very romantic"
- "when you take care of yourself, I feel loved"

Since my wife and I both read the book it was funny to compare how according to the book I was sometimes more of a 'woman' and she was more of a 'man.' Again, this book does not claim to be an exhaustive apologetic on how EVERY MAN feels. This book is a simple, very quick read (I read it in about 3 quick sittings) - if you're looking for a complex, very in depth look at male/female relationships, look elsewhere.

I believe this book achieves every aspect of its authorial intent: a tool to help open the eyes of women as to just what their man might be feeling/thinking. Enjoy!

Of course, I always knew: Men are different. I just never came across such a simple and compelling presentation of their world view and how it effects their actions and reactions. All of a sudden, seemingly "odd" behavior has become understandable to me. No longer do I automatically get offended by it or unintentionally push their buttons!

Another book full of amazing relationship insights and practical advice in an easy to read package is How to Create a Magical Relationship: The 3 Simple Ideas that Will Instantaneously Transform Your Love Life. A new and fresh look at possibilities!

Check out these books and see what happens!

When my best friend told me about Shaunti Feldhahn's book
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, I didn't quite believe it could top my absolute favorite book on relating to men: Dr. Laura Schlessinger's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. But after searching every book store in town to find For Women Only, I came home and read it in one sitting. For Women Only needs a better cover, but that's my only complaint.

Inside the striped cover of For Women Only, I found a concise, encouraging message that motivated me to apply what I discovered in its pages. More succinct and less blunt, with scriptural principles instead of crass terms, For Women Only now tops Proper Care and Feeding on my list.

For Women Only is a must-read for every woman who has (or hopes to have) a man in her life. It is a book I will go back to time and again (along with the articles in this February's issue of Focus on the Family Magazine), for reminders on the best way to love, respect, and support my man. But I would still recommend Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands for additional guidance--you can't beat Dr. Laura's signature down-to-earth practicality.

Shaunti's book had two chapters that Dr. Laura's didn't. From Shaunti I learned about a man's visual Rolodex that he battles every day (which relates to what she and Dr. Laura both have to say about how important it is that we look good for our man). And her research revealed that men really do like romance, their definition of it just varies from ours sometimes.

For Women Only is written based on results from a survey Shaunti conducted of hundreds of men. The revelations of the survey astounded her, especially when she found out that they were the very things her husband had always wished she had known about him. After you read For Women Only, you will be thankful that Shaunti felt compelled to share her findings with the rest of us. The seven truths she shares will have a dramatic effect on your relationship with your man. The seven principles will guide you as you seek to better support, respect, and understand the men in your life.

For Women Only combines the wisdom of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book Love and Respect, with the sometimes startling truths of Stephen Arterbur's Every Man's Battle, and the wisdom of Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, for a wife's complete guidebook to loving and understanding her man.

It's For Women Only...and only every woman should read it.

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been married forty years. I thought I understood my husband's every thought. However, Shaunti's book bought many things to my attention which I had ignored. She stressed the importance of saying positive things about your husband in front of friends instead of negative comments. This hit home with me. I started listening to my comments about my husband when we were with friends and realized that many of my comments were put downs. Although my comments were made in jest and not sincere, I begin to see what they were doing to him. My husband is a wonderful Christian husband, a great father and grandfather. I assumed that he knew this; but after reading the book, I realized that I did not always tell him so. Thank you Shaunti for opening my eyes. A happy marriage requires daily commitment from both partners and open communication. This book provides much insight for wives to better understand the inner life of their husbands. The book is excellent for couples of all ages.

"For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldham gave me a fresh and new perspective on how I relate to my boyfriend and the men around me. This book enabled me to see that when I feel I want something from a man, I may actually be communicating the opposite.

I dislike books that separate men from women or that favor one sex over the other. This book doesn't do that. Instead it delivers information about how men and women communicate. The reader then learns the awareness of the different ways of communicating without making anyone of either sex wrong for how they are being.

Another book that is a special gift is called Being Here: Modern Day Tales of Enlightenment. The writers Ariel and Shya Kane present a way of living and communicating that opens people's eyes to things they might not have even thought was possible like having a fun, easy and spectacular life..

Both these books offer refreshing ways of viewing & experiencing what is happening around you: this thing we call Life.

This book is a quick and helpful read, because it's written in light, easy prose and it addresses issues all married folks should, but probably don't, discuss. (My only beef was with the layout that repeats part of the text in big, bulleted blocks.) I am a married man, and I found that, as with all generalizations, some apply to me and others do not. Felham acknowledges this. The ones that do apply will be very helpful to my wife. The ones that don't, we can discuss. The insights are very appropriate for all married people, because they will open the discussion, and they do so in very clever and insighful ways. I recommend it despite some complaints in reviews that it "takes us back in time". There are good and bad with past, as with present, marriage practices, and to suggest otherwise shows a lack of objectivity. This book will help marriages to become more like they should be: honest and open discussions between two people who have become one, but often don't feel like it. Its foundation of traditional, Biblical marriage is the best there is when understood. Feldham helps us get closer to that goal.

We've all heard the saying, "The only stupid question is the one that's not asked." That's why I often don't hesitate to ask my husband if he thinks he should consult a map for directions. Being task-oriented, I rarely think twice about asking if he needs help because there may be a faster way to get a job done. I've never been shy about asking if he has remembered something on our home "to do" list-and I've never considered that his sometimes less than cheery responses are because of me.

Scores of books have been written to enhance relationships between men and women. We can count Chapman's love languages on one hand; Cloud and Townsend have shown us how to draw lines in the emotional sand-but for once comes a book that is solely for women, solely for the benefit of their men.

Author and wife Shaunti Feldhahn was working on character development for her latest novel when she discovered something completely new to her-the secret inner lives of men. In fact, she was so fascinated by what she discovered that she hired a professional survey company to conduct studies across the U.S., confirming how most men think and why they think it.

But husbands need not roll their eyes and women can roll their sleeves back down. This isn't a manual for manipulation or leverage-gaining techniques. In fact, it may be everything our husbands have been trying to tell us. Whether it's the quandary most men feel between the call to conquer and succeed and the nagging fear of failure or why love is not enough or what they really feel and think about sex, this book covers it-and after 15 years of marriage, there were quite a few surprises for me.

I never considered that my husband thrived on the challenge of being able to find his way on his own. My questions about looking for a better way to do things were not meant to imply that he was incompetent. And I never really considered that his list of priorities is very different from mine-and that's actually a good thing. Sometimes the smartest questions are the ones we never ask.