Did you know 90% of men earning more than $75,000 a year are unfaithful, 70% of men stray after two years of marriage, 85% of men who cheat on their wives remain in the marriage, 90% of women who suspect their husbands of infidelity are right. We hear evidence of it in the news every night, prominent husbands cheating on their wives. Hillary Rodham Clinton, Jacqueline Kennedy, Princess Diana, and many others chose not to divorce, and continued to lead successful, productive lives within their marriages. But should a woman stand by her cheating man? This provocative, groundbreaking study of infidelity has some surprising answers. Dr. Debbie Then, an expert psychologist with expertise in marital behavior, examines the social, personal, and financial forces at work in many marriages. She explains why men cheat, how this behavior affects the marriage, and what a woman can do to survive this humiliating situation. Offering nonjudgemental advice on how to handle infidelity, she emphasizes that whether they stay or go, women have to make their own lives as fulfilling as possible. A husbands cheating may devastate a woman, but it doesnt have to destroy her.
Book Description
Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
Given the recent intense media coverage of the hows and whys of male adultery, it's tough for a book to stand out on what has become a groaning shelf of self-help books on the subject. In this journalistic study of how married women cope with their husbands' infidelities, California psychologist Then, who specializes in women's self-esteem issues, draws on the stories of 100 husbands, wives and lovers for whom unfaithfulness is a fact of life. The book's dominant voice, however, belongs to unhappy and humiliated women who have chosen to remain with their spouses, who deal with their pain in damaging ways, such as through denial, substance abuse, overspending and their own affairs. The author describes the emotional, social and financial factors that prompt some women to tolerate such behavior, and she provides a framework for those who are deciding whether to stay married to an unfaithful man. The underlying message that life is miserable for women who stay is delivered with a curious lack of empathy. In the end, the research sample limited to subjects from white, middle- and upper-middle income backgrounds, colorless writing and empty pronouncements such as "get a life" hobble this effort, although women who have left, or are about to leave, their marriages will find reinforcement for their decisions. Agent, Jennifer Gates of the Zachary Shuster Agency.Author tour.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Insight on why men cheat, their wives and "the other woman",
By A Customer
This review is from: Women Who Stay With Men Who Stray: Coping With the Realities of Infidelity (Hardcover)
I did expect more from this book: their was good insight on why men cheat, why their wives stay and what possesses single women to allow themselves to get involved in these liaisons--but it was nothing that I had not already read somewhere else. What the author does is to encourage the wives to really take a good look at why they stay, and that unless your spouse works really hard with you to change the behavior, staying with the strayer is inevitably self-destructive. The one truth I found is that while infidelity need not be the end of your marriage and you may forgive, one does not forget and it does change your relationship forever.
13 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
A Well Intended, but Simplistic and Damaging Book,
By A Customer
This review is from: Women Who Stay With Men Who Stray: Coping With the Realities of Infidelity (Hardcover)
Author Debbie Then admits that her "unscientific" research for this book consisted primarily of soliciting anecdotes from betrayed or cheating spouses. It seems safe to conclude that the vast majority of the responses she received were from women who had been betrayed by continually philandering and unrepentant husbands. The first part of this book relates how these women discovered their spouse's affairs, and how this discovery impacted their lives. There are a few stories from betrayed and philandering husbands or the "other woman" thrown in for supposed balance, but they appear simplified and edited so that they fit her premise. They hover around the edges of the narrative, and are never woven into her analysis in any significant way. The womens' stories are searing and dramatic. They clearly demonstrate that the emotional devastation a husband's affair visits on his wife is far greater than most men can imagine, and that the wife's sense of anger and betrayal is profound and life altering. While many men would think that a long term, stable affair based on companionship and "safe sex" would be better tolerated by their wives than more tawdry "one night stands", it seems that exactly the opposite is true - the wives feel more threatened, damaged and demeaned by "love affairs" than by "sex affairs". So far, so good. The problem is that Ms. Then seems to have identified so closely with these betrayed wives that she lost all sense of objectivity, and failed to even consider all sides of this very complex subject. Perhaps she knew this, but nonetheless consciously aimed for the sensationalistic and potentially best-selling jugular vein. In any event, her analysis is simple: All wives are depicted as blameless, sensitive, supportive and worthy spouses who had no responsibility for any problems in their marriage, be they emotional, sexual or otherwise. With very few exceptions, all men are portrayed as insensitive and unperceptive husbands, who have repeatedly betrayed, and stubbornly continue to betray their nearly perfect spouse for no valid reason. There is no effort made to analyze how genuine problems in the marriage may have contributed to the decision of the husband or wife to have an affair. There is never any valid reason for any husband to "stray" under any circumstances, period. In such a context, it is no wonder that Ms. Then offers a single and invariable solution: "Your husband will continue to cheat on you forever; he cannot change and doesn't really want to, so dump him now and save yourself the grief of pointless efforts to salvage your marriage. You did everything right, and he did everything wrong, so get rid of him." While this may indeed be true in some cases, I suspect things are rarely that black and white. Ms. Then admits only tangentially that there are different kinds of affairs, ranging from one-night stands to those lasting for decades, and never really acknowledges that a marriage in which one spouse has in the past had one affair based partly on heartfelt frustrations with the other spouse may in fact be well worth saving. Tellingly, women who "stray" are usually depicted as victims of an insentive and abusive husband, who reasonably seek solace, comfort and respect from a lover. But their marriages are similarly doomed for a different reason: the emotional failings or abuse of their husbands. Perhaps it was not possible to give more complete and fairer coverage of this topic without the book become unwieldy or too academic. However, I suspect the sad truth is that this book precisely hit the marketing target at which it was aimed, and has driven many women with basically good spouses and valuable marriages to throw them both away in a fit of hopeless and perhaps unjustified pessimism. Take care lest this happen to you; there are other books out there that may help you, and maybe your marriage isn't really worth saving. But this book could do you unnecessary and irreparable harm. If you read it, do so with caution and a healthy dose of skepticism.
13 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Excellent! aided with clarification of a difficult situation,
By A Customer
This review is from: Women Who Stay With Men Who Stray: Coping With the Realities of Infidelity (Hardcover)
I was "the other woman." By profiling "the wife" to a T in this book, I was enlightened to the fact that I'd never win. My "win" is that I ended a deceitful and destructive relationship, and got out with whatever grace and dignity I had left.Debbie Then does a fantastic job of "telling it like it is" by outlining in black and white clarity just exactly how to know what the score is. And, she confirms what I already believed, but now embrace : listen to your instinct; trust your gut. A should be "required reading" for all women, married or otherwise.
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