And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence [Hardcover]

James Garbarino (Author), Ellen deLara (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 27, 2001

Despite the best intentions of school administrators, educators, and parents, many high schools -- even those that have addressed bullying and are considered safe -- unwittingly support and enable hostile and threatening environments. As a society, we are only just beginning to understand the degree of damage that bullying inflicts on individual teenagers and on their relationships later in life. In this groundbreaking work, James Garbarino, the bestselling author of "Lost Boys," and Ellen deLara uncover the staggering extent of emotional cruelty and its ramifications and counter the nursery rhyme that words don't hurt. Through hundreds of interviews, the authors provide a direct word-for-word view into the thinking of adolescents and the strategies they use to keep themselves safe during the school day.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Using what's called action research, Cornell University professor Garbarino (Lost Boys) and therapist deLara interviewed students, educators and administrators to probe the issue of bullying in American schools. They've included interviews debunking the premise that kids can deflect taunts and jeers by using the familiar defense "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Parents, teachers and counselors must remove their nostalgically rooted, rose-colored lenses and listen to teens, Garbarino and deLara say, in an effort to provide them with the safety they crave and need. Positing that psychological stabbings are all too common in adolescents' daily lives and that many of them feel powerless to defend themselves, the authors portray teens who believe they must endure emotional violence because adults aren't going to do anything about it (while others lash out against emotional abuse with physical violence). Although teenagers inevitably segment themselves into social groups, measures can be taken to quash bullying (the authors suggest broadening a student's peer group, lobbying for school uniforms and promoting character education, among other things). The revealing student interviews give depth to Garbarino and deLara's extensive knowledge in the field of teen psychology, and this effective guide will help adult readers truly understand the cruelty and violence present in today's schools.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

Childhood angst tends to torment parents as well as children and can erupt into the tragedy of school shootings. These books address such problems from fairly dissimilar perspectives. Psychologists Thompson (coauthor, Raising Cain) and Cohen (Playful Parenting) collaborate with journalist/ author Grace on a sensitive and straightforward advice manual that focuses on 40 key questions regarding the social life of children. Conversational and upbeat in tone, the book is divided into three sections designed to help readers distinguish "normal" social pain from more lasting trauma. The text covers friendship skills, tattletales, racial bigotry, bullying, and personal hygiene and also suggests techniques for building positive leadership and conflict-resolution skills. The issues addressed are drawn from actual questions raised during their workshop/consulting experience. The answers reflect cumulated wisdom about what matters in the life of children from grade school through adolescence, and the book as a whole similar to but more practical than Charlotte Giannetti's and Margaret Sagarese's recent Cliques. In contrast, Garbarino (human development, Cornell Univ.; Lost Boys) and de Lara, a researcher and family therapist, focus on the pathology of mainstream high school life in America. Based on interviews and discussions with rural and suburban students from "All-American" communities and published research, the book debunks myths about school safety and discusses multiple aspects of emotional violence in a school setting, including stalking, bullying, dysfunctional adaptations to harassment, and teacher violations. The authors exhibit an insightful understanding of school cliques (e.g., "hicks," jocks, and "Goths") but tend to be alarmist when depicting daily high school life. However, the research is impressive and generates many valuable suggestions for improving the school environment. The book concludes with resources and readings on bullying and violence prevention. Though Garbarino and de Lara's book is more focused on school management issues, both books are recommended for public library parenting collections. [Thompson's book was previewed in Prepub Alert, LJ 4/1/02.]-Antoinette Brinkman, M.L.S., Evansville, I.
--Antoinette Brinkman, M.L.S., Evansville, IN
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Free Press (August 27, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743228987
• ISBN-13: 978-0743228985
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.4 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #133,819 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent help for parents!, November 4, 2002

By 

"mcpittsburgh" (Pittsburgh, PA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence (Hardcover)

I found this book very readable and extremely helpful. I have two middle school children in two different middle schools, and I learned a lot from reading this book. It is based on research, and the authors make excellent recommendations for parents at the end of each chapter. Although I'd heard about bullying and mean comments occassionally, I had no idea how common this is for today's middle and high school kids. After reading this book I spent some time talking to my kids, both about being bullied and why kids act like bullies. Having read this book, I was a lot more comfortable having the conversation, and I think my kids realized that I understood some of their experiences. I strongly recommend this book for anyone who is concerned about their own child, or who wants to help change the environment within a school. (in fact, I wanted to make more specific comments, but I've already loaned this book to a friend whose son is being bullied!)I am also planning to give a copy to the guidance counselor at my daughter's school. After reading this, I realize that just having "BULLY FREE " signs up at school is not enough; and I have some ideas about what we could do to make things better. This book was a real wake-up call for me, and I highly recommend it.

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must, June 2, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence (Hardcover)

Easily understandable and highly informative and not at all lacking in details-- a must for anyone interested in school safety or the timely issues of assuring the emotional and phyisical protection of our children in the school environment.

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An Excellent Resource, January 11, 2005

By 

S.K. Whang - See all my reviews

This review is from: And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence (Hardcover)

"Sticks, stones, and bullets may break their bones, and words can break their hearts," write Drs. Garbarino and deLara in their book on bullying among teenagers. "And Words Can Hurt Forever" not only describes the increasing reality of the problem, but it also gives parents concrete ideas on what they can to protect their children.

From their base at Cornell University, the authors interviewed students, teachers, and administrators from around the country. They found that, everyday, millions of teenagers suffer from emotional violence in the form of bullying, stalking, intimidation, and humiliation.

"Over and over again parents are surprised, even stunned, to discover the extent and nature of the emotional and physical violence that their teenagers face at school," they say. The problem persists because students don't tell adults about it, and administrators are indifferent or unable to do anything.

Garbarino and deLara point out that, if the same thing happened to us in our workplace, we would be quick to take legal action. Don't our children deserve the same level of protection? So, what can we do to create a safer environment for our teens? The "What You Can Do" list at the every chapter outlines concrete ideas such as: recognize that most students want adults to intervene; volunteer to supervise trouble areas of the building; exercise your right to contact your school board president; and if nothing improves for your child, consider legal intervention.

Doctors Garbarino and de Lara conclude their book by saying: "When it comes to bullying, sexual harassment, and emotional violence at school, the buck stops with adults."