The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse [Paperback]

Dan B. Allender (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 1, 1990

Sexual abuse not only destroys trust, relationships, and dreams, it also causes grief, stress, and feelings of guilt and shame. This book examines the issues surrounding sexual abuse while looking to God for restoration and peace.

• Includes information about false memory issues
• Indexed for easy reference
• Also available: The Wounded Heart Workbook

Editorial Reviews

Review

Dan Allender has unraveled the very heart of sexual abuse, both in diagnosis and scriptural resolution. This is the first book on sexual abuse that gives the victim God's path to healing: a costly path of fresh suffering that leads to a life characterized by love. -- Dr. Pamela Reeve, Multnomah School of the Bible

Dr. Allender acts as a true surgeon of the soul in making a diagnosis which, while compassionate, is never sentimental. He brings the wounded survivor of abuse to the Great Physician for healing. I welcome this book: a next step for those who have begun the healing process, and a place to start for others. -- Maxine Hancock, author of Child Sexual Abuse

These powerful pages bring the realities of damaging human experience into the perspective of a loving God. With professional skill and spiritual insight from the crucible of experience, Dr. Allender blends a keen understanding of the dynamics of sexual abuse with the practical application of Christian truth. An excellent and timely book! -- John Powell, Ph.D., professor, Counseling Center, Michigan State University

From the Back Cover

A recent study indicated that 38% of the women interviewed had been sexually abused by an adult or family member by the age of 18. You may think you don’t know anyone who has been sexually abused, especially if most of your friends and acquaintances are Christians. But the statistics indicate otherwise: sexual abuse knows no religious or social boundaries. The Wounded Heart is an intensely personal and specific look at this most “soul deadening” form of abuse. Personal because it may be affecting you, your spouse, a close friend or neighbor, or someone you know well at church. And specific because it goes well beyond the general issues and solutions discussed in other books. Dr. Allender’s book reaches deep into the wounded heart of someone you know, exploring the secret lament of the soul damaged by sexual abuse and laying hold of the hope buried there by the One whose unstained image we all bear.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: NavPress; Revised edition (May 1, 1990)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0891092897
• ISBN-13: 978-0891092896
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 5.8 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.9 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (71 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #288,570 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dr. Dan Allender received his MDiv from Westminster Theological Seminary and his PhD in counseling psychology from Michigan State University.

Dan taught in the biblical counseling department of Grace Theological Seminary for seven years (1983-1989). From 1989-1997 he worked as a professor in the Master of Arts in biblical counseling program at Colorado Christian University, Denver, Colorado. Currently, Dan serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School in Bothell, Washington.

He travels and speaks extensively to present his unique perspective on sexual abuse recovery, love and forgiveness, worship, and other related topics. He is the author of "The Wounded Heart" (NavPress), "The Healing Path," and "How Children Raise Parents" (Waterbrook Press) and has coauthored four books with Dr. Tremper Longman, III--"Intimate Allies" (Tyndale House Publishers), "The Cry of the Soul" (NavPress), "Bold Love" (NavPress), and "Bold Purpose," (Tyndale House Publishers). He and his wife, Rebecca, live in the Puget Sound area with their three children, Annie, Amanda, and Andrew.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

104 of 106 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Tender Devotional Alternative to Working Through Sexual Abuse, September 12, 2006

By 

Crochet Lover "crochetlover" - See all my reviews

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This review is from: The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse (Paperback)

As I've mentioned in my previous reviews on self-help books for abuse survivors, I don't go for the current so-called Christian clap-trap ideas of healing and forgiving. Many push the idea that you should "forgive and forget," bury the memories, and be nice to your abuser by never mentioning the past, to "get along" at all costs. Some also argue that we should just hand it all over to Jesus and everything will be fine.

Dan Allender boldly attacks and rejects these notions in his book The Wounded Heart. Allender is a Christian counselor who has worked extensively with victims of sexual abuse throughout his career, and Colorado Christian University I believe still maintains a sexual abuse ministry he helped establish. The book itself is written mostly for women, though I believe men can also benefit from it.

My interest in this book was piqued by a friend who herself had used the book to tackle her own past issues. Something about the hopeful tone I picked up in her voice told me this book offered something different and worth looking into.

The Wounded Heart took me several months to finish, but not because it is poorly written or boring. Rather it is because Allender's words, what he has to offer, is so intense that I had to take breaks and let the weight of what I just read absorb before I could move forward with taking another bite. This book is definitely not for those in search of a quick read or wanting pat answers.

The first thing Allender does, and nicely done I might add, is stake through the heart all the notions that we have to play nicey-nice for everyone else's comfort and look like a good Christian while facing down our pasts. If anything, he states that this is probably the most damaging thing to push on an abuse survivor, because you can't bury what's alive and expect it not to scream. The cost of "getting along" with someone who has committed one of the greater evils in life against you for the sake of pleasing everyone else is ultimately that of revictimization, greater pain, and a deadening of the soul.

In reality this is not a true calling of Christ. Instead it's a way of other Christians to not have to face the discomfort they feel in response to the painful reality that something as horrendous as sexual abuse exists. They don't want to risk losing that warm fuzzy feeling some contemporary Christian experts and authors have rightly come to term "cheap grace." It is artificial in nature and stifles long-term growth.

From here, Allender explores how victims are often set up for abuse, most commonly from a vicious cycle created from an unloved, unhappy child receiving attention from a perpetrator zeroing in on a kill. The child, in turn, will do anything for continued attention... setting them up for unwilling compliance to the unspeakable.

Sometimes this is reinforced by other family members who cannot or will not understand why their child will suddenly turn cold towards Uncle Fred and chastize her for not minding her manners. It perpetuates an incredibly ugly cycle.

Allender then analyzes the effects sexual abuse has on the victim in later life. He outlines three specific personalities that can emerge. I recognized myself in all three as I looked back on my life. I could see where I was a Good Girl to please everyone and get along so people would like me, the Tough Girl because of that part of me that'd had enough of being a doormat and hyper-reacted, and the Party Girl during the times I wanted attention but didn't want anyone too close to me, which sadly was often.

The Wounded Heart then sets before the reader a challenge: We must die to the self that has come out of the past, and find renewed life in God to become what we were meant to be, not what the abuser made one into through his or her sinful acts, and we must act boldly for this change to occur. Allender could not be more tender or compassionate in getting this message across, but he also delivers it with complete and unwavering conviction. What he has to say is undeniable and motivating.

It's also crystal clear that we must do the work. God is there to guide and inspire, but as human beings with free will, the effort and the power to change is ours. Simply lobbing the whole mess into Jesus' lap and expecting Him to fix it all without us pitching in simply will not do... and speaking philosophically here, I do not believe it would be within our natures to feel satisfied or successful even if problems could be solved this way.

The book also covers ways in which a former victim can and should respond to various abusers in their daily life. Allender breaks down that there are different types of abusers, ranging from those annoying snotty little jerks we'll have to deal with every day simply because we live in a fallen world, all the way up to the perpetrator of the abuse and what Allender calls an abuse-surrogate, a significant other who has taken the place of the perpetrator in the victim's life and mind and continues to create an abusive environment. With the last two, there must be change to end the cycle.

With the childhood perpetrator, The Wounded Heart makes it very clear that there is no requirement to forgive or continue a relationship with such a person unless they have met certain conditions that indicate they repent and take responsibility for what they have done. In fact, it is argued, a relationship must not continue and there must not be forgiveness at all until this happens for the sake of the victim's recovery.

This is a Christian principle through and through. Allender cites Luke 17:3 in his emphasis that forgiveness towards the abuser is indeed conditional, something many Christians overlook in what is likely a spirit of misinformation. Yes, we must forgive as God forgives; however, God only forgives when there is repentance and amends are made.

"They know not what they do" cannot be argued here either - an abuser is a predator. They plan, they scheme and they deliberately attack having full knowledge of right and wrong. God has no qualms with calling us to discern what is evil. We must, lest we compromise morals and principles that help us protect the innocent.

The Wounded Heart is a cogent, loving devotional that dedicates itself soulfully to helping the sexual abuse victim discover a relationship with God they likely imagined they could never have. I cannot recommend this book enough for any Christian who is struggling with childhood sexual abuse; I have no reason to believe it can't help non-Christians at some level as well, if for nothing else than for validation and ideas on how to work through the abuse.

A companion workbook is available for use on one's own or in a support group. I do have a copy of this and I will review it once I've worked through its contents.

24 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars True help for the sexual abuse survivor, November 18, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: The Wounded Heart Workbook: A Companion Workbook for Personal or Group Use (Paperback)

I am a Christian pastoral counselor and have used both the workbook and book with a number of sexual abuse survivors both male and female.It is an excellent resource for those who want to move out of the "victim" mode. Dan Allender provides the tools to help individuals to live independently of the suffering of past.What makes this material unique is that it can also be used with males. Previously, there has been real lack of usable material for them. But this is no longer the case.The books can be used in both a group setting as well as with individuals, as I have done.Highly recommended!

32 of 35 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Diagnosing and Treating the Wounded Heart, May 7, 2005

By 

Robert W. Kellemen "Doc. K." (Crown Point, IN United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse (Paperback)

"The Wounded Heart" is a classic text on the understanding and treatment of the sexual abuse victim. Dan Allender writes from a foundation of biblical insight, psychological research, and counseling experience.

Allender is quick to defend abuse victims and to help them to understand that they were not guilty for their abuse. At the same time, he refuses to leave the victim a victim. Instead, "The Wounded Heart" provides the spiritual diagnostic categories necessary to help victims move to victors by exploring how they may have responded to the abuse in less-than- healthy and less-than-godly ways. He labels these responses "sinful relational styles"--learned, self-protective patterns that victims choose in order to handle life self-sufficiently.

Because of Allender's emphasis on sinful relational styles, victims looking for empathy and therapists wanting training in empathic responses may be disappointed. Diane Langberg's "On the Threshold of Hope" and "Counseling Victims of Sexual Abuse" offer more in this area of "sufferology." Still, for biblical insight into the heart issues surrounding sexual abuse, "The Wounded Heart" provides the healing cure.

Reviewer: Dr. Robert W. Kellemen is the author of "Soul Physicians: A Theology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction," "Spiritual Friends: A Methodology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction," and the forthcoming "Sacred Companions: A History of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction."