Customer Reviews

The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse

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As I've mentioned in my previous reviews on self-help books for abuse survivors, I don't go for the current so-called Christian clap-trap ideas of healing and forgiving. Many push the idea that you should "forgive and forget," bury the memories, and be nice to your abuser by never mentioning the past, to "get along" at all costs. Some also argue that we should just hand it all over to Jesus and everything will be fine.

Dan Allender boldly attacks and rejects these notions in his book The Wounded Heart. Allender is a Christian counselor who has worked extensively with victims of sexual abuse throughout his career, and Colorado Christian University I believe still maintains a sexual abuse ministry he helped establish. The book itself is written mostly for women, though I believe men can also benefit from it.

My interest in this book was piqued by a friend who herself had used the book to tackle her own past issues. Something about the hopeful tone I picked up in her voice told me this book offered something different and worth looking into.

The Wounded Heart took me several months to finish, but not because it is poorly written or boring. Rather it is because Allender's words, what he has to offer, is so intense that I had to take breaks and let the weight of what I just read absorb before I could move forward with taking another bite. This book is definitely not for those in search of a quick read or wanting pat answers.

The first thing Allender does, and nicely done I might add, is stake through the heart all the notions that we have to play nicey-nice for everyone else's comfort and look like a good Christian while facing down our pasts. If anything, he states that this is probably the most damaging thing to push on an abuse survivor, because you can't bury what's alive and expect it not to scream. The cost of "getting along" with someone who has committed one of the greater evils in life against you for the sake of pleasing everyone else is ultimately that of revictimization, greater pain, and a deadening of the soul.

In reality this is not a true calling of Christ. Instead it's a way of other Christians to not have to face the discomfort they feel in response to the painful reality that something as horrendous as sexual abuse exists. They don't want to risk losing that warm fuzzy feeling some contemporary Christian experts and authors have rightly come to term "cheap grace." It is artificial in nature and stifles long-term growth.

From here, Allender explores how victims are often set up for abuse, most commonly from a vicious cycle created from an unloved, unhappy child receiving attention from a perpetrator zeroing in on a kill. The child, in turn, will do anything for continued attention... setting them up for unwilling compliance to the unspeakable.

Sometimes this is reinforced by other family members who cannot or will not understand why their child will suddenly turn cold towards Uncle Fred and chastize her for not minding her manners. It perpetuates an incredibly ugly cycle.

Allender then analyzes the effects sexual abuse has on the victim in later life. He outlines three specific personalities that can emerge. I recognized myself in all three as I looked back on my life. I could see where I was a Good Girl to please everyone and get along so people would like me, the Tough Girl because of that part of me that'd had enough of being a doormat and hyper-reacted, and the Party Girl during the times I wanted attention but didn't want anyone too close to me, which sadly was often.

The Wounded Heart then sets before the reader a challenge: We must die to the self that has come out of the past, and find renewed life in God to become what we were meant to be, not what the abuser made one into through his or her sinful acts, and we must act boldly for this change to occur. Allender could not be more tender or compassionate in getting this message across, but he also delivers it with complete and unwavering conviction. What he has to say is undeniable and motivating.

It's also crystal clear that we must do the work. God is there to guide and inspire, but as human beings with free will, the effort and the power to change is ours. Simply lobbing the whole mess into Jesus' lap and expecting Him to fix it all without us pitching in simply will not do... and speaking philosophically here, I do not believe it would be within our natures to feel satisfied or successful even if problems could be solved this way.

The book also covers ways in which a former victim can and should respond to various abusers in their daily life. Allender breaks down that there are different types of abusers, ranging from those annoying snotty little jerks we'll have to deal with every day simply because we live in a fallen world, all the way up to the perpetrator of the abuse and what Allender calls an abuse-surrogate, a significant other who has taken the place of the perpetrator in the victim's life and mind and continues to create an abusive environment. With the last two, there must be change to end the cycle.

With the childhood perpetrator, The Wounded Heart makes it very clear that there is no requirement to forgive or continue a relationship with such a person unless they have met certain conditions that indicate they repent and take responsibility for what they have done. In fact, it is argued, a relationship must not continue and there must not be forgiveness at all until this happens for the sake of the victim's recovery.

This is a Christian principle through and through. Allender cites Luke 17:3 in his emphasis that forgiveness towards the abuser is indeed conditional, something many Christians overlook in what is likely a spirit of misinformation. Yes, we must forgive as God forgives; however, God only forgives when there is repentance and amends are made.

"They know not what they do" cannot be argued here either - an abuser is a predator. They plan, they scheme and they deliberately attack having full knowledge of right and wrong. God has no qualms with calling us to discern what is evil. We must, lest we compromise morals and principles that help us protect the innocent.

The Wounded Heart is a cogent, loving devotional that dedicates itself soulfully to helping the sexual abuse victim discover a relationship with God they likely imagined they could never have. I cannot recommend this book enough for any Christian who is struggling with childhood sexual abuse; I have no reason to believe it can't help non-Christians at some level as well, if for nothing else than for validation and ideas on how to work through the abuse.

A companion workbook is available for use on one's own or in a support group. I do have a copy of this and I will review it once I've worked through its contents.

I am a Christian pastoral counselor and have used both the workbook and book with a number of sexual abuse survivors both male and female.It is an excellent resource for those who want to move out of the "victim" mode. Dan Allender provides the tools to help individuals to live independently of the suffering of past.What makes this material unique is that it can also be used with males. Previously, there has been real lack of usable material for them. But this is no longer the case.The books can be used in both a group setting as well as with individuals, as I have done.Highly recommended!

"The Wounded Heart" is a classic text on the understanding and treatment of the sexual abuse victim. Dan Allender writes from a foundation of biblical insight, psychological research, and counseling experience.

Allender is quick to defend abuse victims and to help them to understand that they were not guilty for their abuse. At the same time, he refuses to leave the victim a victim. Instead, "The Wounded Heart" provides the spiritual diagnostic categories necessary to help victims move to victors by exploring how they may have responded to the abuse in less-than- healthy and less-than-godly ways. He labels these responses "sinful relational styles"--learned, self-protective patterns that victims choose in order to handle life self-sufficiently.

Because of Allender's emphasis on sinful relational styles, victims looking for empathy and therapists wanting training in empathic responses may be disappointed. Diane Langberg's "On the Threshold of Hope" and "Counseling Victims of Sexual Abuse" offer more in this area of "sufferology." Still, for biblical insight into the heart issues surrounding sexual abuse, "The Wounded Heart" provides the healing cure.

Reviewer: Dr. Robert W. Kellemen is the author of "Soul Physicians: A Theology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction," "Spiritual Friends: A Methodology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction," and the forthcoming "Sacred Companions: A History of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction."

And all this time I'd thought that I was "big" enough to rise above the abuse. I became a better person, a better Christian, all under the same umbrella of sexual abuse. His insightful words touched places in my soul that I didn't even know existed. The so-called strengh I'd felt all these years was defense, a mask, to protect what had been damaged so long ago. I'd never been to counseling, but for my children's sake, I began to see a Christian therapist who recommended this book. If you've ever been sexually abused, no matter how insignificant you may think the contact was, you owe it to yourself to read this book. It has literally changed my life. The book, and it's wise words have helped me understand my thought processes, my defense mechanisms, and why I feel so torn and broken inside. This is the first thing that has brought light and clarity into a terrible and wicked past that has wounded me deeply. Most importantly, it shows that even things that I thought I was doing for the right reasons ("because I'm being a good Christian") are sometimes done with wrong motivation (though I didn't know better at the time). I literally thank God for Mr. Allender's book, and recommend it without reservation to victims of sexual abuse and those who love them.

Last year, I worked my way through the book and study guide. When I first began reading the book, I wanted to throw it across the room, and was angry that the author would even insinuate that I was sinning. Well, he was right. I was so filled with self-contempt and rage, and so chained up in the prison of abuse, that I would almost rather rail at him and run, than admit that I was existing in a state that was eating me up, inside and out. I had been holding myself separate from God, not allowing Him to bring healing for the past horrors in my life, dead from the numbness I had created to protect myself from pain. Through this study, and the pain, tears and difficult struggles that accompanied it, great healing has been taking place in my life. I am thankful for Dr. Allender's obedience in writing this study, and I am grateful to our Lord for using it to begin my journey of restoration and healing. I can highly recommend this book to someone who is tired of living a life behind the prison walls of childhood sexual abuse, someone who is willing to go through the pain of 'looking at' the abuse one last time and grieving for the child that was destroyed inside himself/herself. If you are willing to finally lay all of the pain and hurt and shame and rage down on God's altar, this book may be what you are looking for.

I read The Wounded Heart and its workbook six years ago before I ever became a Christian, never imagining the impact these books would have on my life. Now I conduct Wounded Heart Workbook studies at my church. Dr. Allender understands and is sensitive to the dilemas and pain victims face in adult-hood and offers a sensible real-life approach to healing. While the self discovery always involves pain and grieving, the issues are handled with love and fresh creativity. Each time I go through a study, I uncover deeper levels of understanding my past and greater hope to face the future whole and intact. I've also developed friendships and trust with other victims that I will treasure for all time. We are finding that spouses are now reading the book and joining our studies also, sparking renewed tenderness and communication in stressed marriages. Now I am free to laugh harder, love deeper, and care more. Thank you Dr. Allender!

Have you ever wondered if God is good? And if He is, then where was He when you were abused?

Read this book if you want your heart to be disrupted in such a way that you must have a relationship with God, or you cannot live another day. If your goal in life is happiness, this book will disappoint you. But if you want to know God, then read this book. You will be shocked by the ways in which Allender's words are able to tenderly pierce your heart.

The author is a gifted, courageous, sensitive man, who desires to pursue truth in ways that few people are willing or able to do. He will draw you into the mystery of a good God who redeems his beloved children out of the chaos and abuse of this tainted world.

Don't read this book if you are not serious about change. Dan's words change people. You will never be the same.

Dr. Allender has a wonderful way of explaining how damaging sexual abuse is to the survivor and the many emotions that the survivor faces. It is written in a loving christian format that truly makes the one who was abused feel they have nothing to be ashamed of and God was weeping right along with them. This book has helped me immensely on not only my emotional journey to health, but my spiritual one as well!

I think this is a soild book for anyone seeking to learn about the pain surrounding sexual abuse. Not only is it easy to read, but also developed from a clinical perspective. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced or professionals working with sexual abuse.

Chad E. Jones,M.S.,LPC

This book and the accompanying workbook are great resources for the support groups I have led for the past 5 years now. There are many women whose lives have been changed as a result, including my own.