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Yes, I Can Say No: A Parents Guide to Assertiveness Training for Children

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I got hooked onto Dr. Manuel Smith's approach to assertiveness training over 27 years ago when I read his book WHEN I SAY NO I FEEL GUILTY. And one day, many years later, I was browsing through the shelves of the library of a nearby small town and found this gem. He had taken the assertiveness techniques and fashioned them for the use of children!

The techniques came out the same, even though modified for children. He wisely pointed out that unlike adults, who find commercial situations easiest to practice assertive techniques and "close" relationships the hardest, with children it is often the other way around -- because children's "commercial" relationships usually involve adults (more of an authority relationship). So he suggests that children practice the assertive techniques on their peers first.

Dr. Smith is very astute in his observation that teaching children to be "good children" (i.e., people pleasers) doesn't always help them become effective adults later on. He encourages the teaching of the verbal techniques of assertion training when when the child reaches about severn years old.

A side benefit of this book is for the adult who teaches his/her child these techniques. The adult learns them as well! Contrary to what many think about assertion, it is not "aggression," even if the two words rhyme. It is about teaching children to deal with problems as they really are and to not let someone else manipulate them by making them feel foolish, anxious, or ignorant. It also helps the children to express what they really want without manipulating others themselves.

In the beginning of the book, Dr. Smith reports on the success of the Irvine school system when they began to teach students these techniques through their PLUS and STAR system. The behavior of the students as well their grades improved as a result.

The only down side to the book: it's out of print. I'd like to see it back on the shelves of bookstores, and I'd like to see other school districts do what the Irvine district did.

I wish this book had been around when I was younger!

One of the most significant books you can read and immediately share with your children to teach them life skills of assertiveness that will benefit them throughout their lives.

One of the greatest truths I've learned is "raising good children leads us to teach them to be quiet and submissive, when actually we should be raising them to be good adults by teaching them to express themselves and be assertive." And as you teach them, you will see that the teacher learns maybe even more than the student.

This book got my family closer to that goal and can do the same for you. Set up a search agent on Ebay or here on Amazon to find it.

Still the best. I have the original editions, now I am giving them away.