Gifted writer and filmmaker Dana Schapiro takes on the big relationship questions in this compilation of interviews and personal narratives. Following in the oral-interview footsteps of Studs Terkel and Alfred Kinsey, Schapiro digs in and asks many far-to-personal questions of divorced men and women. It's all with the purpose of finding out what leads to divorce -- and how things might have been different. So, what's the sense in asking those with failed marriages how to stay married? You learn what mistakes to avoid, what paths NOT to tread.
The book is broken into three parts: Accelerating the Inevitable, Discussing the Dirty, and Engaging the Elephants. Each part looks at a different avenue to divorce, drawing from the failed marriages of the interviewees, and then suggests a non-divorce route.
Accelerating the Inevitable deals with the individual process of self-realization and self-discovery that often leads to the breakdown of a marriage. When two persons realize that they are cutting off vital aspects of themselves in order to stay married, divorce becomes an appealing option. So, staying married and fulfilled at the same time requires integrating necessary change and personal growth into the marrige.
Discussing the Dirty talks about the sexual exploration that must occur within a marriage if it's going to succeed. This is no clinical text, however. The tone is erotic, voyeuristic, and sensational. It's hot reading. You learn what needs people are supressing when they stay married. You find out about people's secret and not-so-secret cravings. And you learn what happens when a marriage is unable to integrate -- in some way -- the individual erotic needs of the spouses.
Engaging the Elephants covers the problems that arise when couples simply don't face the obvious. Years and years may pass with both spouses in denial. But present a catalyst, and suddenly the facade topples. It's so vital, argues Schapiro, for couples to seriously confront the issues they are faced with. Differences will tear a relationship apart unless they are successfully harmonized.
Schapiro's writing is funny, erotic and often insightful. You do get the sense, however, that the interviewed individuals have far more understanding of marriage and monogamy than does the author himself. His views tend towards the selfish and short-sighted, and his conclusions are often rudimentary. But if you read to learn from the other voices -- the many voices of the interviewed -- you won't be disappointed. Whether you're reading to be titillated, or to improve your marriage -- or to do both at the same time -- you'll find a lot in these pages.
If you're looking for a self-help book to save or improve your marriage, this may not be so much what you're looking for (consider
The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work and
Getting the Love You Want). But if you and your spouse are looking for (sometimes jaded) advice from those who have been there, done that, and failed, this book is a gold mine. We can learn a great deal from the failures of others. Come ready to listen... and don't be too quick to dismiss what you hear.
