Customer Reviews

You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- An 8-Step Program

5 star:		(17)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(10)

 

 

Elgin states in the beginning of this book that this is the work that her whole "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" series has been building up to. I would agree, in that this is a solid guide for those suffering from verbal abuse.

There's nothing in this book that will make you jump up and shout "Eureka! That's the solution!" But the truth is that there probably is no such solution.

What you WILL get from the book is a practical framework that you can build on to improve the situation. And, almost as important, to help you avoid the trial-and-error of trying out ways that don't really help in the long run.

I might have given this book 4 stars, but one other thing makes me push it up to 5: the attitude the book encourages toward the verbal abuser. Other books for victims of verbal abuse engender a lot of negative feelings, sometimes to the point of hate-mongering. This book, however, helps you manage the situation without encouraging ill-will.

I just wanted to echo the words of the reader from Minneapolis who pointed out that the concept promoted here, that anyone can be successful with this method, is wrong, is dead right! In other words, great book, and well worth trying very hard at. But - be aware as you read this that there are people with something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder who cannot change because they are unable to experience empathy. And empathy is fundamental to "real" human relationships, fundamental to having someone understand how something feels to you. I suffered for too many years trying to make this approach work. It did me a lot of good, I admit, but it didn't change my abuser's behavior. He stopped doing certain things and started doing others. And I felt so terribly guilty about that, when in fact he really was whacked out and incapable of change. Thank goodness I finally found a therapist who specializes in abuse to help me figure this out. So please - read this book and try it. It can do you a world of good. But also be aware of the limitations of being able to change someone else. The only real goal should be changing yourself, which is great. And if they don't change then, it's time to leave, because nobody but nobody can or should put up with continuing abuse.

From reading the reviews, some of the reviewers haven't read the book, it is obvious. Many of the complaints actually agree with the perspective of the book.

For example someone complains that the book is about "mastery of slick responses to throw the attacker off guard." That is not what the book is about. None of the responses are slick, none of the responses have to do with throwing anyone off guard. None of them are about fighting, instead they are all about relationships.

Or the complaint that Elgin simplifies it all to "the pain is all in your head" -- Elgin is one of the few people who really believes that verbal abuse can kill you and it is terrible to have to endure. She never simplifies it to "it is all in your head, you can just learn to ignore it" -- in fact she teaches the exact opposit.

I think that many of the reviewers are just reacting against books in this genre -- the same reason that Elgin wrote the one great book of its kind for normal people trying to deal with these problems while in the midst of them (her other books deal with related issues, but this one book is for the non-professional in real life home situations).

What she does is go over how you can deal with abuse from people who are not mentally ill and with whom you deal in day to day and family relationships -- all recognizing that verbal abuse is a feedback loop, something many people do not know. The books teach how you can dampen the feedback loop instead of intensifing it, and by dampening it, control and remove it from relationships.

My mother found this book invaluable for dealing with some people who had her at her wits end.

Consider that when there is abuse in a situation not controlled by mental illness you can do one of two things: you can intensify the situation or you can defuse it. Elgin, in an eight step program of solid steps and approaches, goes over how to train yourself to recognize and defuse verbal violence without blaming yourself and without minimizing the harm that verbal abuse causes people.

The techniques work. Over forty years of implementation and practice demonstrate that they work. In my practice I've given about fifty or more copies of her books for that very reason. The thing that marks this book from all of her others is that it is a program for teaching normal human beings how to use the techniques and how to escape the prison of abusive verbal loops that can destroy otherwise valuable relationships.

If there is hope, then this is the book.

I was caught in the verbal abuse cycle with my husband and had no way to get out. I blamed him and was miserable. This book brought me to a new level of accoutability and gave me hope for my relationship. I just kept thinking, wow! if I can just follow these 8 steps, I can totally transform our relationship, and it is true! The most uplifting, empowering book on abuse I have ever read. This is a must have book for any relationship!

When you read this book carefully, you learn that what this book is really about is how to understand why your communication may be going very wrong - despite your best intentions.

If you are being hurt by what you feel are words spoken thoughtlessly, this book is for you. If you want to walk out the door of your home in the morning knowing you have more energy to face the world because you did not have to waste your strength is a fruitless family squabble, this book is for you. If you've always wanted to express yourself and your ideas more clearly and have them be received in the way you intend them, this book is definitely for you.

Because what is book is really about is learning precise, yet loving-kind language. This book is about communicating very well without hurting anybody.

On page 13, the author of this book, Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. in Linguistics, shares a remarkable insight. She writes: "Chronic communication breakdown happens when we don't realize the source of a problem is language and we take it for granted that the problem is caused by a _person_."

If language precedes violence (and research shows that it does), it makes such good sense to be able to learn and speak the language and never have to worry about the violence. As a parent, journalist, and teacher for over 30 years, I needed this book. It helped me immensely at home and in my work. I highly recommend it.

Elgin's Gentle Art system of Verbal Self-Defense empowers people so they no longer are easy targets of verbal abusers. The verbal abuse is met with systematic resposes based on how language works. This deflects and deescalates the verbal abuse. The abusive person is held accountable when the responses needed to keep the victim role going are not forthcoming. This puts them on notice immediately that things have changed. Verbally abusive people are insecure people who have learned to get temporary relief from their insecure thinking by verbally abusing others. Elgin's system disarms the presupposed claims of the abusive person including "You are a victim, and I will get you to take the bait."

Elgin's Eight Step program is effective. One of the things that naturally occurs as a person understands Elgin's system is that they become calmer, more grounded, and more confident. You use Elgin's system calmly without getting angry at the verbal abuser. You feel better about yourself because you are using your own inner resources (your language) to protect yourself and others.

While Elgin provides some useful synopses, there are troublesome problems with her approach. The book is useful in identifying characteristics of verbal abuse, and for that it is well worth reading. Verbal and emotional abuse are very difficult to see, especially when one is inside the relationship, and getting clarity about the characteristics is important. What I find troubling is Elgin's tendency to simplify the dynamic, suggesting that the abuse will be stopped if only the recipient of the abuse responds in the right way. That is exactly what his/her abuser has been saying all along! This easily becomes a form of "blame the victim" which most victims of abuse struggle with anyway. They are told they are at fault by their abuser, and now here's another book telling them that if they just communicated in the right way, they wouldn't be abused. They don't need yet another voice telling them they could fix things if they were only good enough. Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, provides more insight into the dynamic in a more helpful way that does not blame the victim. To quote Evans, "The problem is the problem, and the problem is abuse."

I agree with the reviewer who says that Elgin oversimplifies. It just isn't that easy. The "Jerry" in her examples seems positively malicious to me, no matter how much Elgin insists that he really loves his wife. With love like that, I'd hate to see loathing! The answer to systematic verbal abuse of this kind--constant erosion of another person's self-esteem by belittling and criticizing, and not only in private but in front of others--is intensive counseling, not mastery of slick responses to throw the attacker off guard. I have a hard time imagining Jerry, as Elgin portrays him, falling for any of these devices and backing off. And I know that men like Jerry exist, because I am presently in the process of divorcing one. If they are determined to hurt you, and to blame you for their failures, they will find a way.

On the other hand, the book is excellent when it comes to helping you communicate more effectively with people with whom you aren't intimate and have less emotional capital invested. You may catch yourself falling into the kind of verbal cadences, sarcasm, brown-nosing, and so on, that Elgin describes. I found good info on how to reprimand my children too, without blowing up and verbally beating them into the ground...

This writer seems to assume that all verbal abuse stems from miscommunication and that with work from both sides it can be stemmed and that the pain the abusers inflict is only what we perceive it to be. Hogwash. She doesn't seem to take into account that some people are totally mentally incapable of being rational in the heat of their anger. Is it not possible that pain is exactly what the abusers want to inflict? While it does give some valuable ideas of how to deal with "difficult" people and situations and lighterweight marital difficulties, it does not give very realistic advice for a deeply abusive marital relationship. In my own experience, I'd love to know what response Ms. Elgin would have given to my husband who on the day after I had come home from the hospital after giving birth 2 days earlier, walked into the kitchen after work and saw me holding our newborn son while I was cooking dinner at the stove and our 18 month old daughter playing on the floor and remarked "I figured dinner wouldn't be ready" and then proceded into a temper tantrum because his immediate needs were not met. Was my response supposed to be: Honey, I know you've had a hard day at work and you've felt the stress of adding another child to our family too - but things just can't quite be the same for a little while because I need to get used to caring for 2 children now, a newborn baby and an 18 month old child at the same time, - so that is why I'm late with dinner tonight and it was not on the table the minute you stepped into the kitchen. Does Ms. Elgin really believe that a man who is so insensitive to his wife's needs (perhaps she was tired after giving birth 3 days ago and had emotional needs as well) could possibly interact with his wife in a sane and emotionally mature way? In all actuality - I did say something akin to the "perfect" response above, but it didn't make a bit of difference. His intent was to make me feel pain and to put his feeling of stress and pain upon me. It would be wonderful advice if all verbal abusers were rational people - but they are not. I only wish it were so easy.

I highly recommend this book as an introduction to dealing with verbal abuse. I've found it helpful in two ways 1) I've become more aware of the hidden verbal attacks in common English phrases and have stopped using them myself. This has resulted in my having better relationships with people. 2) I've learned some win/win methods of responding to verbal abuse. This frequently stops the abuse while maintaining good relations with the abuser.

I found the techniques especially helpful when I was teaching a high school class. A student would verbally attack me or another student. I would respond with a verbal self-defense technique from the book. The student couldn't believe the attack didn't work (I wasn't enticed into a fight.) and would try the same attack again. After the second attempt, the student realized the attack wasn't going to work and stopped.

(Note: Verbal self-defense is for dealing with sane people. An insane person, a sadist or criminal who enjoys harming people, should be referred to a professional.)