You Don't Say: Navigating Nonverbal Communication Between the Sexes [Paperback]

Ph.D., Audrey Nelson (Author), Susan K. Golant (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 2, 2004

More than words, it's nonverbal cues that have the power to improve-or impair-our interactions with the opposite sex at home and in the workplace. In fact, 90% of communication is conveyed through unspoken behaviors-including gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, and proximity. You Don't Say is the first book to explore the misunderstandings that often arise between the sexes due to nonverbal communication-and to show readers how to say what they mean and get what they want. At last, they'll discover why actions speak louder than words-and what to do about it.

Features helpful tips on:

€ Achieving intimacy in marriage
€ Taking one's career to new heights
€ Getting the most out of the relationships in one's private and professional life
€ Becoming a better parent
€ Enhancing even the smallest exchanges throughout the day

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Communications consultant Audrey Nelson and writer Susan Golant have created a strategic book about the power of what men and women don't say. Drawing upon 25 years experience of "looking at the dirty laundry of male/female miscommunication," they invite readers to use nonverbal cues to succeed at work and in love.

Rather than assuming that men and women are from different planets, the authors explore how every culture invents sex-linked communication styles. Their key to effectiveness is "Gender-Flexing," a technique to recognize the limits of sexual typecasting and make strategic--rather than sex linked--decisions about non-verbal signals. The question becomes: What kind of non-verbal behavior will be most effective in this situation? The answer is found in understanding how a smiling woman can undercut her credibility or why a stone-faced man fails to convey understanding.

The authors' approach is anthropological, drawing on work of Ray Birdwhistell and Edward Hall, but it is also readable and highly practical. They focus on the misunderstandings that result from "typical" gender facial expressions (the flirt or poker face), eye contact (avoid the stare down and the down cast eyes), touch (death to the limp handshake and the space violator posture) and hand gestures (how to--and how not to--talk with your hands). This well written book is peppered with research and packed with solid advice. --Barbara Mackoff

From Publishers Weekly

Nelson heads her own communications consulting group and might boil her extensive experience down to a single maxim: "gender role transcendence is the key to successful communication." Writing with Golant (In the Company of Women), she examines the nonverbal styles of men and women, and explores ways that they can learn to pick up on, and use, each other's prevalent cues. Citing studies and anecdotes, Nelson notes that although some differences are biologically determined, most are based on the socialization process that children are exposed to in the home and at school. She shows how feelings and signifiers of social power get mapped onto eyes, faces and touch. Nelson's practical suggestions are geared toward the business world. She advises men against too frequent use of the "poker face," and counsels tuning into the other person and "mirroring" their emotions, a skill that conveys empathy and that women more frequently employ. Among much else, there is advice for women on the fine points of a conventional handshake, with the full palm and firm grasp that men often expect. Clear and concise throughout, Nelson also provides useful information on cross-cultural differences in nonverbal communication, such as the Japanese tradition of lowering the eyes to indicate respect.
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Product Details

• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Prentice Hall Press (March 2, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0735203474
• ISBN-13: 978-0735203471
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.9 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #747,883 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Moderately Disappointed, December 7, 2007

By 

Shiftspider (USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: You Don't Say: Navigating Nonverbal Communication Between the Sexes (Paperback)

This won't be very long, since I am not overly concerned with being critical of this book. However, the five-star rating is somewhat misleading.

Nelson's book is essentially a 323 page list of female nonverbal communication patterns and behaviours, contrasted with a list of male nonverbal communication patterns and behaviours. The first 100 or so pages provide a psychological analysis of the reasons for the communication patterns the author discusses. The extent to which the author "moves beyond" simply stating the differences between genders, is a "Gender Rx" at the end of every chapter, that basically tells women to use more "male nonverbal behaviour" and vice versa for males. Not an extremely useful book if you have studied nonverbal communication at any length.

This isn't a terrible book by any means; however, it is completely undeserving of a five-star rating.

5 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars understanding womanspeak, March 6, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: You Don't Say: Navigating Nonverbal Communication Between the Sexes (Paperback)

A great insight as to why men and women "hear" things differently from one another. It's fascinating to realize that the sexes approach communication from completely different sets of perspectives. This book has given me insight into my own inabilities to make myself understood by the women who surround me, at work and at home.
I would recommend it especially to managers and employers seeking to integrate a more holistic approach to communication between the sexes in the workplace.

Nelson has tried to show that it isn't necessary to attribute blame when "the message" isn't as clear as it could be. She offers insights into how to develop a way of listening that facilitates better understanding and dialogue.

4 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Fun & Practical--A 'Must Have' for People Seeking Success, March 3, 2004

By 

Linda D. Manning (Boulder, CO USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: You Don't Say: Navigating Nonverbal Communication Between the Sexes (Paperback)

Nelson's text is a welcome addition to the offerings available on gender and nonverbal communication. Where many publications are either too academic and dry or purely anecdotal and lacking in empirical support, Nelson offers a rich middle ground. I have been teaching nonverbal communication at the college level for the past few years and am thrilled to offer my students an accessible, practical and fascinating companion book to their textbook. Nelson's move beyond the descriptive (men do 'y' and women do 'x') to more hands on applications of concepts makes the book a worthwhile investment.