Customer Reviews

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

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The title of my review probably sounds like hype but it's not. I've read 20+ ADHD books (Hallowell, Ratey, Amen et al) and "Is it you me or adult ADD" is the most practical and "real world" of them all.

It's the best balance of real-world anecdotes, situations, issues that ADHD'ers (and those who know ADHD'ers) face, science, and practical solutions, as well as many insights into ADHD that I've seen no where else.

Even though I have ADHD, have read so many books about it, and even regularly attend an ADHD support group, I had at least a half dozen "ah-ha" moments within the first few chapters. I learned about things that I had no idea were related to ADHD. It was really an eye-opener and has helped me live that much better now that I understand why and how it's related to my ADHD.

To me the book is also very practical and real world. It tells it like it is with no sugar coating--both the good and the bad. There's a trend in some ADHD circles to try to paint ADHD as a "gift". Take it from me, having ADHD sucks, it's not a gift. Of course we want to be rid of the stigmas and discrimination (both by people and by the insurance industry) but trying to spin ADHD as a gift just goes too far into la-la-land in my opinion. This book doesn't do that. It talks about what ADHD is, how it effects those who have it, and those who have to deal with those who have it. As I said, very real world, practical, and helpful.

Denial is one major thing this book talks about that I don't recall reading about before. Yes, many of us with ADHD deny we have it, or even if we admit we have it, we think we're doing fine without treatment. These are both unfortunate situations which can have bad if not dire consequences. (Witness the higher accident rates, drug abuse and crime rates of those with *UNTREATED* ADHD.) Amazingly enough, when you treat ADHD these things largely go away and life improves for everyone involved. Getting through the denial may be a major stumbling block though, and this book addresses dealing with that.

I can't say enough good things about this book. If you have ADHD read this book. If you are in a relationship with someone with ADHD read this book. If you're related to someone with ADHD read this book. If you know someone with ADHD read this book and get them a copy.

If you know someone who's life seems like a complete mess, is constantly late, is always losing things, seems distracted or day-dreamy, often says inappropriate things, may be moody or angry a lot, can't seem to stick to something to completion, it's likely that this person has ADHD.

Get them this book or read it yourself and see if maybe you can help them face and deal with their ADHD. You may, in no exaggerated terms, save their life.

Thank you Gina Pera!

Finally, a book written for non-ADHD partners. The author spent 8 years researching ADHD, and this text is clearly a masterpiece of her great efforts. The book is filled with examples, tips, and resources like no other book offers to date.

Most books on the market are written for a person with ADHD, and not chiefly for partners thereof. Perhaps there should be more support groups available, such as, ADD/ADHD Anonymous. Dr. Schwartz offers good help online at mentalhelp.net; however, there are limits. In fact, this is where the author was found [on Dr.Schwartz's article/comment page].

The book was received today, and there was so much to read AND highlight. The text offers a great "peace of mind," helps one realize the truth, without blaming one's self, and helps to comprehend the complexity of ADHD symptoms. Readers are reminded not to blame the person, but rather to understand or manage the "symptom," as Dr.Amen suggests.

There are stories from lives of others that clarify multiple topics, which also projects what non-ADHD partners are facing because others, including friends or family, may rarely understand. The best part is the included "Tip Sheets" to help manage, cope, and/or not take the termed ADHD-bait.

If your partner has ADD/ADHD, whether it is diagnosed or not, this text is highly recommended. As one reviewer noted, "Sure to become the authoritative guide..." Also, as reflected by the diagnosis, some ADHD'ers exhibit strong symptoms of denial, including remorse or blame when others [or their partner] attempts to discuss the illness.

Warning: Anger, and other unnecessary conflicts may occur as a result of having this text or others present. Therefore, if you have been a heavy sufferer, it may be best to put a book cover on this, and keep it to yourself while reading and learning more. Remember that AWARENESS alone can change everything. This book gives you the insight and wisdom to see what you may not have realized, and helps sufferers not to *react* to symptoms, but to recognize them, while offering solutions.

Those with the diagnosis may also benefit from this book if they are able to read with an open mind. Often, it can be difficult for anyone to [look in the mirror and] understand how they are affecting those around them. Indeed, this book is an excellent first step for those whom may or may not be diagnosed. It will offer unique insights into that which may be unconsidered. Finally, the roller coaster can be stopped and parked forever.

In closing, we wish the very best to everyone, and send a very special thanks to the author.

I recalled the shock of recognition and thrill of a first encounter with the unadulterated truth that I had when I read "Our Bodies, Ourselves" as a thirteen year old girl, as I read "Is it You, Me or Adult ADD? by Gina Pera.

As a 43 year old women with ADD who was married to a man with untreated ADD, the book rang so true and touched upon so many of our struggles that it was, at times, disorienting to read them detailed in the pages of a book written by an author who did not know my story. Often, I could only read a few pages before needing to take a break and let the enormity of the suffering and needless pain that ADHD causes in adult relationships to sink in.

For too many of us, the real tragedy comes from having seen expert couple therapists for years desperately trying to make our relationships work, while the good will, intimacy and benefit of the doubt was drained out of the marriage as each new round of therapy failed, all the while, never being offered the information provided in this book that could have put us on the path to understanding.

Gina Pera lays out the necessary truth about the impact of adult ADD on relationships and provides a framework to view the issues not as insurmountable, but rather as typical for our population and, in fact, manageable with the right treatment for ADD.

I urge all couples with children who have AD/HD to read this book. Because research tells us that this disorder is genetic, you and your partner may be affected by AD/HD without knowing it and your relationship may be needlessly imperiled. You may save your marriage by discovering how ADD plays itself out in relationships and learning how to address those issues in your own home.

This book provides clear descriptions of the classic dynamics that often underlie the interactions of adults with AD/HD and concrete strategies to preserve the respect and love that you have for your partner while working to make the relationship fulfilling for both of you.

I am in awe of Gina Pera's writing and her ability to harness what looks and sometimes felt like unrelated, distressing events into a cogent, comprehensive portrait that depicts in a devastatingly accurate fashion what life and love feels like being married to an adult with ADHD.

Thanks to this book, we, adults with ADD, can understand the emotional consequences of our behavior, accept responsibility for it and work to empathize with and advocate for our children, spouses and, most importantly, ourselves with a clear mind and full heart.

Okay, my story...My husband and I were married for 10 years before he was diagnosed with Adult ADHD, inattentive subtype. During that decade, I transformed from a relatively spontaneous, moderately adventurous, and generally flexible wife to a rigid, super-anxious, and critical one. Even though he tended to walk out of the room while I was talking, ran us into debt, forget plans, misremembered conversations/decisions we made together, etc., we both pretty much thought the whole thing was my fault because I was so negative all the time. I stuck with it, because I love my husband and because I didn't want my son to grow up with divorced parents, like I did. Even so, I was unhappy enough to start thinking about divorce and I definitely felt like I was going crazy.

Fortunately, my husband's best friend told him that he probably had ADHD and my husband was diagnosed and started taking medication at age 39. It was not a cure-all, but it let us get some traction on the situation and finally convinced us to get some marriage counseling. Three years later, we are not entirely out of the woods, but I think we will make it.

One very frustrating thing about the experience was the utter lack of support out there for spouses/partners of those with ADHD. I honestly adore my husband and I know that he needs a lot of support and love from me, but I could have used some support too. Even though I knew/know something about the effects of ADHD on his life and mind, I had a hard time putting in the necessary work to make things better because I was exhausted, demoralized and isolated. He got meds and counseling. I got no meds and urgings from websites and counselors to "help him be organized" and "reduce my negative affect so he could rebuild his self-esteem." I did/do my best, but it is hard. I couldn't find a site that discussed the effects on me or his responsibilities to help heal the marriage (just mine).

Man, I wish I had this book three years ago...ten years ago. It really is for me and people like me...people who love their partners and want things to work out, but need a sense of support and community. At parts I laughed out loud, but sometimes I was stunned and saddened by how much I had put up with and how bad my life and marriage had gotten before it started to (slowly) get better. My husband picked it up one day and spent the next few days reading it all the way through. Since he is really one of the most wonderful people in the world, he responded with a renewed sense of purpose to figure out how to use compensatory strategies (calendars, alarms, checklists, etc.) and to hire organizers, coaches, etc. (with my okay just because I needed to take over our finances). He came home with flowers after he finished, hugged me, and said that he never really understood the impact that ADHD had on me. He was surprised when he'd read quotes from spouses in the book that were almost identical to things I'd said recently or even years before. Just the hug and the compassion was amazing. I felt validated and appreciated...not a common thing in the past decade, unfortunately.

BTW: I disagree with reviewers who think the author treats those with ADHD without compassion or respect. It seem very loving to me. That said, if your partner is still dealing with a new diagnosis or is touchy about it, I wouldn't just dump the book in his or her lap. It really is written for spouses and partners. It does not pull punches when it describes how tough ADHD can be for us. In a way, I feel that both my husband and I have ADHD and that now I am getting some help too. I agree that she is pro-meds, but she makes that clear right from the outset and a lot of the book had nothing to do with treatment. I am pro-meds for adults too, at least for a trial run, so that part didn't bother me. Without meds, I just don't know what we would have done.

In short, I loved this book. I thought I'd read everything there was to find about ADHD, but I learned things in every chapter. I am going to order a couple copies for the spouses of my husband's family members, many of whom have similar profiles. I'm even thinking of starting a support group in my area, or finding someone qualified to lead one. I think this book could save marriages, relationships, and some people's sanity.

I am a wife "living in hell" for 48 years with a ADHD spouse. This book helps you see you are not "crazy", it is ADHD symptoms that are the problem.

I was very disappointed in most of this book. There seemed to be no mention of ANY good quality about a person with ADD. Most books I've read do acknowledge that many ADD people have strong empathy for others, and tend to absorb others emotions, that many ADD individuals have strong sense of "feeling" vibes from people when they walk in a room, many are very sensitive to others and other things about ADD that are real. But this book to me solely focused on the side of ADD that many others have that is totally self absorbed and having all lack of regard or consideration with others, all about self and no one else matters. If you are on rocky ground with your spouse, reading this book will defineately give them "entitled ammunition" to use against you, as the author defineately leans toward being ever so sympathetic to the spouse/partner that has been "wearily putting up with thier ADD partner". Its more about how we as ADD adults are "dragging down and causing problems" for these perfect non-add partners that were unlucky enough to be with us. There are MANY examples in the book, all from non-add partners, and alot of them have had "ex-aDD partners".....because at the end of the example, they say "We're not together anymore, I just couldn't deal with his/her ADD, the disorganization, the financial problems, the forgetfulness." And many also go on to say that their ADD partner made them miserable and feeling like they also had ADD because it put so much on them, their life was chaos.

There were things in the book that were certainly true about ADD and if the spouse of someone with ADD read the book, it may give them some insight and understanding to their ADD partner - if the author didn't repeatedly say "Its not your fault! Your ADD partner is to blame for this!". There are many other books about ADD that your partner can read that will give him/her better understanding of how life is for you that don't make you look like a lost cause or a mess to be cleaned up.

Overall, most of the book in my opinion put all the blame for problems in a relationship at the person with ADD's feet. I honestly DO NOT want my husband to read this book, as it seems to take any contribution to problems away from the non-ADD spouse. (And there is no mention of problems that arise when BOTH partners/spouses are ADD! Which is what I was hoping for, at least to have something on the subject and some insight) Its almost like anyone WILLING to put up with an ADD partner is not doing themselves any favors, this book didn't say much of anything about ANY redeeming/GOOD qualities about an ADD person that would make them worthy of loving and having a life with. There are many statements to the effect of "you may want to decide if you want to continue your life with an ADD partner as they will always be like this. Medication may help, but its not a cure." It seems to be a book written for the non-ADD spouse/partner that is fed up and needing confirmation that its not their fault, its the ADD partners problem that things aren't working right, entirely, to me. I would have to go back through the book to pick out specific statements that made me uncomfortable as I can't remember them off the top of my head. But, ultimately, it just opened the door for more finger pointing, blame and "something IS wrong with you!" aimed at the ADD spouse. As I think my husband and I both have it, but I've been diagnosed and he won't even think about getting a diagnosis, this certainly would have given him plenty of little ancedotes of how any failure in the relationship is the ADD persons fault. CAUTION to you if you let your spouse read this. REad it for yourself if you must, but you will be the villian in the book. Nothing about how to live harmoniously, just about "you need to medicate your ADD spouse to even think about living with them, and even then - good luck" type of book. My opinion, of course, but thats how the book made me feel - and I've hidden it from my spouse and will get rid of it asap.

This book will do for partners of people with ADHD what "Driven to Distraction" did for people who themselves have ADHD. It's easy to read and has enough medical and scientific information to explain what needs to be explained but not so much to bore the reader. You can go straight through the chapters in order or take advantage of the chapter to chapter references and pick up what you're looking for in the order that works best for you. I love this book! I'll be sharing the info with my clients and their spouses... and especially with the people who call and want me to "fix" their other.

Gina's book has transformed the way we have looked at the family challenges that have plagued us since the day we married. Thanks to this new understanding we have the clarity we need to go forward.

Ignoring the reality of my husband's adult ADD has caused us all a great deal of emotional pain and life disappointments. It was so confusing that someone could be such a "good guy", swearing love and devotion AND in denial about frequent behavior that was at best inconsiderate and frequently just plain mean.

We are hopeful about capitalizing on the commitment we have had toward each other while finally seeing some real improvement in the possibility of smoother marital interaction.

I am especially grateful that my husband chose to take the book with him to work and read most of it (after my reading parts of it to him that were so clearly "us"). He has apologized for what my life has been like married to him, because of his ADD, his first step in acknowledging that the relationship problems were stemming mainly from him, and not because I was "too sensitive".

A world changing book. A must read, especially for those involved in behavioral health. Marriage therapy that does not take adult ADD into consideration is worse than useless, as the adaptive and stress related behaviors of the partner of the adult with ADD can be focused on to everyone's detriment.

Plenty has been written about ADHD in children and in adults. All the focus has been on the person with the disorder. What hasn't been effectively addressed is how it affects loved ones of people with ADHD. Nor has there been much hope or help for non-ADHD partners until now.

Reading this book was like a look back into my former marriage. My ex-husband has had ADHD his entire life. During our 12 years together, we - and our children - suffered so many of the situations Ms. Pera describes in her book.

The first part of the book sets up what it's like to ride the ADHD Roller Coaster. Just reading the stories from the support group members caused my adrenaline to surge, like it used to regularly. Believe me, the partners of folks with this brain disorder tell their stories well. The hyper-vigilance, walking on eggshells, watching every penny - it's such a hard way to live.

The surveys the author used are also very revealing. You get a pretty good picture of the challenges faced by partners of folks with ADHD and how the disorder colors every facet of life - eating, sleeping, parenting, sex, finances - and the rest of the world can't understand. You feel positively bereft and, at best, nobody else understands. At worst - and this is standard operating procedure - any problems are entirely your fault.

In case you think I'm dissing folks with this disorder, you need to know how attractive, intelligent, creative, funny and talented they are. However, one does get sucked in by their hyper-focus on the prospective partner and the budding relationship. Then suddenly after the intended is "caught," that "knight-in-shining-armor" disappears and left in his (or her) place is somebody who has no concept of how to relate anymore because they've now moved on to the next person or project that catches their attention and they hyper-focus on that to the exclusion of everything else in their lives.

I spent years in therapy, both with and without the ex, and read many books on the subject to no avail. The problem was that none of the therapists or books took the next step into the challenges faced by partners and to offer effective coping strategies. Solutions were trite and useless. Communication tips for couples where one partner can't focus long enough to say good morning are no help whatsoever.

This book, "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D?" frames the problems differently than any other I've read and gives solid, multi-pronged, science-based solutions. It explains, in layman's terms, how neurotransmitters in the brain work and how medication can make a huge difference by physically getting those messages across those synapses. As the author explains, medication can be to the ADHD brain what eyeglasses are to the myopic eye. There's no more shame in appropriately using medication than the appropriate use of eyeglasses.

There is no one size fits all solution and Ms. Pera makes an in-depth exploration of other therapies that support and supplement medication for those who find that to be a good option.

The best part of the book, however, is the advice and resources for finding a therapist who truly understands the disorder and its effects on a relationship. We spent thousands of dollars on therapists who seemed to know less about the disorder than we did. There was no guidance for people in choosing somebody to help back then.

I particularly appreciate the coping and self-care strategies offered. If these had been available to me ten years ago, I might be in better health today.

Though there's no way I could go back to my ex - too much hurtful water under that bridge - I wonder what could have been if we'd had a resource like this book at the beginning.

While I realize this book's audience is meant to be the person with ADHD's partner, family, close friends, etc., my step-mother saw a PBS special with the author and realized that my dad had many of the symptomatic behaviors of ADHD. Therefore, I bought the book thinking I could help her and dad, as well as educate myself, as they tackled this problem.

I am 51 year's old, and have been on anti-anxiety and depression medicine since I was in my early thirties. Nonetheless, I still exhibited many--certainly not all (I LOVE to read, for example, and have an MA in Comparative Lit)--of the tell-tale signs of ADHD. Obviously, I feel a great sense of relief that I have something that may FINALLY bring peace to myself and my loved ones, but I'm also so SORRY for what they have had to put up with. I've been with my partner for 30 years now and I'm tearing-up as I type this.

WHether you think you have a loved one with ADHD, or you yourself, this book is so accessible and non-judgemental. I must do something special for my step-mom because I would've never even suspected this...I just thought I was getting crazier by the day.

Thank you so much,Gina Pera, you have given me the impetus to bring peace not only to my life, but, more importantly, to those loved ones who, despite some of my outrageous behaviors, have been steadfast in their love and affection for me. I'm a VERY lucky man.

GET THIS BOOK. Best.