Is It You or Is It Me?: Why Couples Play the Blame Game [Paperback]

Scott Wetzler (Author), Diane Cole (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: July 1, 1999

In this provocative new look at romantic relationships, psychologist Scott Wetzler explores the widespread phenomenon of misplaced anger that seems to define couple dynamics in the 1990s. He finds a wary, secretive, and combative atmosphere clouding relationships. Partners are feeling hurt and bruised by the very people with whom they are most vulnerable. In desperation and puzzlement, they are asking, "Who's at fault here? Is it you or is it me?"

What seems to be driving this "inside-out" dynamic, says Dr. Wetzler, is our increasing inability to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that intimacy arouses--anger, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, or self-doubt. We have become utterly cynical about love and find it easier to hold our partners responsible for our psychological frailties than to own up to and work through the confusing emotions that inevitably accompany falling and being in love.

Written in a strong narrative style with illuminating case examples throughout, here is a book of relationship advice for grownups.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"It's all too easy for couples to get into the Blame Game, but once in the game, how do you get out of it? In the wonderfully written Is It You or Is It Me? authors Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., and Diane Cole have some surprising and remarkably helpful answers to offer." -- Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Worlds

"This is an incisive, perceptive, and original book written by a master clinician who appreciates the nuances of romantic relationships and human emotions." -- T. Byram Karasu, M.D.,psychiatrist-in-chief, Montefiore Medical Center

About the Author

Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Montefiore Medical Center, is the author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man.

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Harper Perennial (July 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060930292
• ISBN-13: 978-0060930295
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.1 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #344,577 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

38 of 38 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars What? Its me?, January 22, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Is It You or Is It Me?: Why Couples Play the Blame Game (Paperback)

Its hard to accept responsibility for all my arguments. This book will change the way you fight with a loved one, argue with others in the world and you will never view any communication with another person the same as you did before. A must read. From the beginning of the book you will continuously think its not me, its them, but Dr. Wetzler keeps beating you over the head until you know you have to accept at least some of the responsibility. And once you step over that line, the light bulb comes on. Read it twice: the second time you won't be looking for what the other guy did wrong. This book will change your life. Thank you Dr. Wetzler.

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent, life changing, May 22, 2007

By 

Sue Gleason "online shopping junkie" (Rochester, NY USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Is It You or Is It Me?: Why Couples Play the Blame Game (Paperback)

I bought this book about 5 years ago. It has been one of the most life changing books I have ever read. Like the other reviewer said, you finally see how you contribute to the issues, and it isn't always the other person in the relationship with the problem. This gives you some great tools on how to talk with another person as to not initiate their defense mechanism, and instead on how to discuss issues calmly, and in a respectful way. I will be re-reading this book soon.....it is a great tool.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars "It" is Whoever is reading THIS book, August 22, 2010

By 

always seeking truth "forgiven" (heading for heaven) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Is It You or Is It Me?: Why Couples Play the Blame Game (Paperback)

HMMMMMM..
IN-sight-FULL.
Who IS to blame?
You will have to read this book to find out.

However, leaving that mystery up to the reader, these chapter names provide answers to:
how we get confused, if we're struggling with our partners or ourselves, confronting anger, blaming others for our disappointments, reasons we fight and why we shouldn't, the fragile male ego, women's fear of intimacy, sex and emotion, competition in a partnership, separation, reconciling the past and going forward.

This is light reading, but heavy thinking. It's an introspective workout and an excellent one. It's time to not only ASK the question, Is it You or Is It Me but, moreso, to ANSWER it.

Dr. Wetzler has given his readers priceless tools to help them answer this question for themselves without entering a therapists office.

However, though this is a self help book, you are not alone in reading it.
You are accompanied by Dr. Wetzler's presence throughout. You will find him to be understanding, patient, encouraging, brilliant, logical and on YOUR side.

This book is not just for the hurting couple, it's for everybody in any relationship.

Read the book, and should you choose to pursue any type of counseling, take this book to your first session and tell your counselor that you've given him/her a good head start, for this book is your intial reference point.