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You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up Paperback – June 8, 2010

129 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

McDonald was a virgin until she was 27, not for religious reasons, but because she was waiting for Mr. Right. She went on numerous dates, got taken to lots of expensive restaurants, and was broken up with in countless creative ways. While explaining her saga, McDonald recalls the pivotal stages of her life: adolescence, the sorority years, her single twenties. The goal is a chronicle of a wacky LA life, but one woman's wacky is another woman's "whatever" and McDonald, who obviously wants to be seen as a clever, self-deprecating free spirit, comes off more like a poor man's west coast Candace Bushnell. Instead of laughing, readers will likely get the awkward feeling that comes at a party when a sorority girl proclaims her sobriety after a few too many trips to the keg.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.


“The only thing funnier than Heather's impersonation of us is . . . this book!”
—Kim, Kourtney, & Khloe Kardashian

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Touchstone; 1 edition (June 8, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1439176280
  • ISBN-13: 978-1439176283
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.7 x 8.4 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (129 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #304,735 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Besides performing standup comedy, Heather McDonald is a full-time writer and story producer on the E!'s top rated show, Chelsea Lately. Heather can be seen weekly either on the roundtable or performing in the comedy sketches on Chelsea Lately. She co-wrote White Chicks with the Wayans brothers and had a featured role in the movie. She appeared in the Wayans Brother's Dance Flick, was a regular on MTV's Lyricist Lounge, and had guest roles on hit TV shows like Frasier, Malcolm in the Middle, and Reno 911. Heather and her husband, Peter, have been married for nine years and have three children. They reside in the San Fernando Valley next door to her parents just in case they run out of milk, Chardonnay, or need one of her dad's Vicodin.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

229 of 247 people found the following review helpful By ilovecupcakes on July 30, 2010
Format: Paperback
DO NOT READ OR BUY THIS BOOK. I watch Heather on Chelsea lately and LOVE HER. She's smart and funny and I love watching her interact with the other comedians; which is why I was so excited to read this book and bought it on the first day of its release. However, this book is nothing like the Heather we love to watch on tv.

Here's a summary: "Hi, my name is Heather, and I went to USC, and I was in a sorority, and I talk about it for the first 6 chapters of the book. I'm only willing to dry hump rich, successful, rich, handsome, rich, tall, rich men. If you're none of these, you're insignificant and worthless and not worthy of my precious princess time. I think I'm cute and beautiful and sexy beyond belief, and never miss an opportunity to talk about how wonderful I think I am. I'm also better than you. All I care about is getting married and having babies, and when I meet any man who meets my unrealistic and shallow requirements, I have crazy psycho-like fantasies in my mind of our life together. When I finally do manage to sink my teeth into someone and have my babies, I talk about how perfect and awesome my life is for the remainder of the book. And also, I'm better than you and everyone you know."

I have bought and read all of Chelsea Handler's books (ALL of which are 5 star wonderfully entertaining), so maybe its my fault for setting my expectations too high for her round table buddy. If you make the same mistake as me and assume that it's going to be just as good as Chelsea's books, you're wrong.

PLEASE don't bother reading this glorified diary unless you feel like wasting your time & money and want to roll your eyes at her stupid tangents and continuous shallow selfishness. The only funny thing about this book is how much money she's probably making from us. I want my money back.
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82 of 88 people found the following review helpful By Mai on July 28, 2010
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I never write reviews, but if I can help someone save their money it is worth it. Chelsea Handler is hilarious and I am a huge fan, however this book was not funny. It was hard to relate to unless you grew up a valley girl. I could see the parts were Heather McDonald was attempting to be funny but it just came across as shallow. If you are looking for a good laugh out loud book read any of Chelsea Handler's, or Sarah Siverman's Bedwetter.
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45 of 51 people found the following review helpful By k.el on August 3, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Let met start by saying that I haven't finished the book yet, which is an indication of how uninterested I am with it.
Like so many other reviewers, I am a HUGE Chelsea Handler fan! HUGE!! I knew this book wouldn't be as funny as any of Chelsea's, but I guess my expectations were still too high.
To be honest, there were times in the first couple chapters where I felt like throwing the book across the room. It's only recently (after forcing myself to just get through it), that I can actually stand Heather. Not only is she completely self absorbed and stuck up, but some of her attempts at jokes came off as trying too hard and even offensive. I'm also not a fan of the way she goes off on tangents in the middle of chapters. Sometimes these tangents would begin with an awkward transition in relation to the story line and then go on for several pages, which started to get annoying after the third random tangent.
Eventually, I got used to the overall style of the book and was able to get through most of it. I even found myself laughing at parts. I plan to finish it, but probably not until I finish reading 'My Horizontal Life' for the second (or third?) time.
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18 of 19 people found the following review helpful By Kelly Houser VINE VOICE on October 24, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Synopsis: Comedienne Heather McDonald, best known for her appearances on the hit TV show Chelsea Lately, was a virgin until she was 27 years old. Sure she had lots of boyfriends, was a sorority sister, and went on plenty of dates, but the idealistic California girl was holding out for Mr. Right, while simultaneously holding out on everyone else. McDonald recounts her sexless youth and how she finally "gave it up."

Review: I wish I had not read this book and there are two reasons for that. First, because I disliked this book so much, I wanted and still want my money back. This memoir was a waste of words and paper. The reason I feel that way is the second reason I wish I had not read this book: it made me severely dislike Heather McDonald. I used to really enjoy her appearances on the round table on Chelsea Lately and I thought she was pretty funny. Having read her book, I now find her nauseating.

Throughout her memoir, McDonald makes continual references to her appearance, i.e., how cute she is, how she is too cute to date a certain guy, how a certain guy should be glad someone as cute as she is is dating him, etc. Also, she placed a strange amount of importance on the fact that she was in a sorority in college, and having been in one seemed to continue to affect her present life. Both these things together made McDonald come off as extremely shallow. I did not go into this book with the expectation that McDonald was the deepest, most thought-provoking person in the world. But the excessive shallowness was a complete turn off for me and prevented me from enjoying this book.

Instead of being what could have been a pretty funny memoir, the author was so distasteful as a person that the book was ruined. I would not recommend this memoir to anyone.
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