You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up [Paperback]

Heather McDonald (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 8, 2010

"Can’t a girl dress like a hooker, dance like a stripper, and kiss like a porn star and still be a nineteen-year-old virgin?"

You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again is the laugh-out-loud story of an attractive Los Angeles woman who found herself in the predicament of being an unwilling virgin. As an actress, writer, and stand-up comedienne, Heather McDonald passed up ample opportunities to have her V-card revoked by handsome, rich, and sometimes even fabulously famous men, but she could not bring herself to do "it" until well after her friends had been deflowered.

As Chelsea Handler so lovingly puts it, "Thank God Heather waited twenty-seven years to lose her virginity or she wouldn't have any material for this book." Whether in a backseat, a community pool, or a sports stadium, with a frat boy, a doctor, or an A-list celebrity, Heather McDonald knew how to turn those boys blue. Unlike "putting out," blue balling might not have paid her rent or landed her free trips to Hawaii, but it did provide her with hilarious stories and adventures in her search for true love—and, ultimately, her very own happy ending. Now, Heather McDonald will never blue ball in this town again.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

McDonald was a virgin until she was 27, not for religious reasons, but because she was waiting for Mr. Right. She went on numerous dates, got taken to lots of expensive restaurants, and was broken up with in countless creative ways. While explaining her saga, McDonald recalls the pivotal stages of her life: adolescence, the sorority years, her single twenties. The goal is a chronicle of a wacky LA life, but one woman's wacky is another woman's "whatever" and McDonald, who obviously wants to be seen as a clever, self-deprecating free spirit, comes off more like a poor man's west coast Candace Bushnell. Instead of laughing, readers will likely get the awkward feeling that comes at a party when a sorority girl proclaims her sobriety after a few too many trips to the keg.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

“The only thing funnier than Heather's impersonation of us is . . . this book!”

—Kim, Kourtney, & Khloe Kardashian

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Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Touchstone; Original edition (June 8, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1439176280
• ISBN-13: 978-1439176283
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.4 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (85 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #22,628 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #88 in Books > Literature & Fiction > United States > Humor

More About the Author

Besides performing standup comedy, Heather McDonald is a full-time writer and story producer on the E!'s top rated show, Chelsea Lately. Heather can be seen weekly either on the roundtable or performing in the comedy sketches on Chelsea Lately. She co-wrote White Chicks with the Wayans brothers and had a featured role in the movie. She appeared in the Wayans Brother's Dance Flick, was a regular on MTV's Lyricist Lounge, and had guest roles on hit TV shows like Frasier, Malcolm in the Middle, and Reno 911. Heather and her husband, Peter, have been married for nine years and have three children. They reside in the San Fernando Valley next door to her parents just in case they run out of milk, Chardonnay, or need one of her dad's Vicodin.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

171 of 184 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars do NOT buy this book, July 30, 2010

By 

ilovecupcakes - See all my reviews

This review is from: You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up (Paperback)

Let me save you the [...] and time it'll take to read this book and do NOT buy it. Here's a summary:
"Hi, my name is Heather, and I went to USC, and I was in a sorority, and I talked about it for the first 6 chapters of the book. I'm only willing to dry hump rich, successful, rich, handsome, rich, tall, rich men. If you're none of these, you're insignificant and worthless. I think I'm cute and beautiful and sexy beyond belief, and never miss an opportunity to talk about how wonderful I am. I'm also better than you. All I care about is getting married and having babies, and when I meet any man who meets my unrealistic and shallow requirements, I have crazy psycho-like fantasies in my mind of our life together. When I finally do manage to sink my teeth into someone and have my babies, I talk about how perfect and awesome my life is for the remainder of the book." If you think this book is going to be half as good as Chelsea Handler's, it's not. Not even close. Don't bother reading this diary unless you feel like wasting your time & money and rolling your eyes. To be perfectly honest, it's not that funny, either.

64 of 67 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars Not very funny, July 28, 2010

By 

Mai - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again (Kindle Edition)

I never write reviews, but if I can help someone save their money it is worth it. Chelsea Handler is hilarious and I am a huge fan, however this book was not funny. It was hard to relate to unless you grew up a valley girl. I could see the parts were Heather McDonald was attempting to be funny but it just came across as shallow. If you are looking for a good laugh out loud book read any of Chelsea Handler's, or Sarah Siverman's Bedwetter.

34 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Should have read these reviews before buying..., August 3, 2010

By 

k.el - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up (Paperback)

Let met start by saying that I haven't finished the book yet, which is an indication of how uninterested I am with it.
Like so many other reviewers, I am a HUGE Chelsea Handler fan! HUGE!! I knew this book wouldn't be as funny as any of Chelsea's, but I guess my expectations were still too high.
To be honest, there were times in the first couple chapters where I felt like throwing the book across the room. It's only recently (after forcing myself to just get through it), that I can actually stand Heather. Not only is she completely self absorbed and stuck up, but some of her attempts at jokes came off as trying too hard and even offensive. I'm also not a fan of the way she goes off on tangents in the middle of chapters. Sometimes these tangents would begin with an awkward transition in relation to the story line and then go on for several pages, which started to get annoying after the third random tangent.
Eventually, I got used to the overall style of the book and was able to get through most of it. I even found myself laughing at parts. I plan to finish it, but probably not until I finish reading 'My Horizontal Life' for the second (or third?) time.