Customer Reviews

You're Not My Real Mother!

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I ordered this book after reading a positive review of it in Adoptive Families magazine. I am a mom of a 3 year old son who I adopted at birth, and I am always on the lookout for positive children's books on the topic of adoption.

I wanted to love this book, but found that reading it made me very uncomfortable. I had a hard time figuring out exactly why until I read the review here by "Another Mom" -- I think she really hits the nail on the head.

The adoptive mom in this book is really missing the point when she responds to her child's statement "You know, mom, you're not my real mother". Instead of launching into a long list of the wonderful things she does for her child ("What do you mean, my darling -- of course I'm you're real mother -- would a real mother let you have 20 bandaids when you only need one" etc, etc), she should stop at "What do you mean, my darling?" -- and let her child speak, then respond to the child's concerns.

About half way through the book, we do finally get to the child's concern ("I know you love me, Mom, but why don't you look like me?"). When I got to this part, I thought, "phew, finally!" -- and the mom does give a brief answer about not being her child's birth mother -- but then she waltzes right back into the litany of wonderful things she does for her child. The whole issue of her child's adoption and her feelings about it barely get touched.

This books strikes me as a more appropriate response to another adult who is rude enough to tell an adoptive parent that they're not a "real" parent -- in that case, the litany of wonderful, parent-like things that we adoptive parents do would be far more appropriate. Or, if this book were simply entitled "What Mothers Do", without the adoption angle, I might think it was ok (this is the main reason I'm giving the book 2 stars instead of one). The activities are all cute and heartwarming, but they completely miss the point.

If you're looking for a book that actually DEALS with the child's feelings about being adopted transracially and looking different from their parents -- while still treating the subject in a relatively positive way -- I recommend "Families are Different" by Nina Pellegrini, instead of this book.

This book was shocking to me in its offensiveness, and the positive reviews only reflected the deep and terrible ignorance in the adoptive community.

First of all, when an adoptive child says, "You're not my real mother," what are they really saying? This is a complex statement and deserves a complex, sensitive, thoughtful answer, not a litany of "Look at all I do for you!" This book was a serie of back-patting comments where the adoptive mother is doing nothing but tooting her own horn.

An adoptive child has TWO "real" mothers: an adoptive mother and a birth mother. What does "real" mean? What is the opposite of "real?" Imaginary??

I think the only appropriate to response to "you're not my REAL mother," is, "What do you mean by "real?"

and then....

"You didn't give birth to me!" "That's true. I didn't." (Pause to see what child will say next. Does that make her sad? Does it make her want to talk about her birthmother?)

"You don't look like me!" "That's true. I don't." Then see where the child wants to go with this. Is it a comparison of physical features, or it is a feeling of disconnect and distress over looking different than her family?

etc, etc, etc.

I think this book does a terrible disservice to adoptive families everywhere, is a blatant slap in the face to birth mothers, is a way of silencing the real questions and concerns of adopted children, and is missing the point altogether.

(written by an adult adoptee and author)

As an adoptee, I found this book to be seriously flawed. The book depicts an adopted child declaring that her adoptive mother is not her "real" mother. The mother's response is basically "look at all the things I do for you." At the end, the child takes up the "you do so much for me" chorus, and happily goes to sleep.

Ignoring the feelings surrounding the fact that she's adopted/separated from her birth family, or worse, shutting those feelings down only serves to further separate the adopted child from her adoptive family. The message is: I should feel grateful instead of all these other feelings, but I can't seem to make them go away. I guess something is wrong with me. I can't talk to my parents about this because they'll think I'm ungrateful.

Children should not have to feel grateful for their parents' love. And, speaking for myself, I love my adoptive family. They are my real family. AND, I know there is another set of people to whom I am connected - more real people. Those people chose not to parent me. Who they are, why they made that choice - these questions are also real no matter how much I love my adoptive family.

My suggestion to adoptive parents: honor your children's feelings around this BIG issue rather than over-simplify or belittle the feelings. Yes, it can be scary, but that's your job as the parent. Also, pass on this book.

This book gives adoptive Moms words to say to their young children about the love and joy that they feel for them. The message is that mothering is something that you "do". Mothering is action; it's love, laughter, and being there- always in all ways. Using honest and accurate adoption language, it is a story that gives young children the words to say if they are beginning to wonder about their adoption story, or if they encounter someone who may question, "Who's your real mother?".

This is a wonderfull book about the connection between a mother and a child. The theme applies to those who don't have adopted children as well as those who do. I Love it!

It's hard to find books that offer both wisdom and experience without being the least bit preachy. This book does that - it is so clearly written from the heart. And the bonus for me is that it is so succinct and simple. Every child, adopted or not, would gain something from this special book.

This is an ok book. Simple read. Better for a very young child.
There are better adoption books at there.

This is a sweet and reassuring book, simple enough for young children to understand. It is warmly illustrated with soft, colorful illustrations. Adoptive families will find it supportive in responding to the too oft used phrase "real mother" and in answering their children's questions about adoptive families.