Customer Reviews

You're Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery

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What can I say about Richard Stengel's book that this smart -- no, incandescent -- writer couldn't say better himself? And, while we're at it, wait'll you see how great he looks in the dust jacket photo! Like the lipstick-smeared derriere on the front cover, Stengel's book comes in two parts: first is a history of flattery. It moves from the Bible, which suddenly makes sense through Stengel's lens ("God begins to preach compassion and justice, and in order to flatter him, God's followers make those virtues the hallmark of three great religions"), through ancient Greece and Rome, the Middle Ages and the Renaissance -- all hotbeds of flattery -- before crossing the Atlantic, where Stengel's analysis is particularly astute. (He writes: "Flattery in America was seen as unmanly. You can't flatter the Marlboro Man, and he won't flatter you.") A Princeton-educated journalist (now managing editor of Time.com), Stengel surveys flattery in Hollywood, in Washington, and among the media elite (Sam Donaldson's obsequious letter to his journalistic quarry is a gem). Then Stengel switches from history to how-to, dispensing the kind of advice that makes the book seem cheap (and probably a tax deductible business expense to boot): Avoid seeming like you want something [who needs a job at Time.com, anyway?]; avoid giving the same kind of compliment to more than one person [but what will I tell Jay McInerny?]; be cool or neutral at the beginning and grow warmer and more complimentary over time [be honest -- do you think I mentioned the jacket photo too early?]. If there's one thing wrong with Stengel's history of flattery, it's that it's only 315 and 3/4 pages. It should have been 316 -- at least.

Without intending to be too kind, the question this book really raises is who should read it. Some will love it while others will hate it. What will be your reaction?

Flattery is one of those subjects that most people cannot and do not want to take seriously. If you like a little humor with your social commentaries, you will enjoy this book.

If you want a how-to book on being a more successful flatterer, you will find some helpful hints towards the end of the book. But you will feel unrewarded by the histories of flattery, beginning with studies of chimpanzee behavior.

If you want to learn how to defend yourself against flattery's corrupting influences, there are useful ideas here and there. But you will probably still feel vulnerable in this regard ( . . . at least until someone praises you for avoiding being taken in by flattery . . . assuming the praise is genuine, and not just flattery).

If you want a guide for how to praise, rather than flatter, you will find some ideas here. But that's also not the book's purpose. You belong elsewhere to serve your purpose.

If you take a very reverent attitude towards the Old Testament, you may be offended by what the author has to say about God in that context. You should skip at least that chapter or perhaps the entire book. If you are an agnostic or an atheist, you should probably start there in chapter three.

If you have read widely on flattery (animal experiments about how "alpha" males are created, Machiavelli, Castiglione, Franklin, Bacon, Dale Carnegie, Chesterfield, and troubadour verse), you will find little new in this book except for the quips. Now, the quips are quite good, so you may like the book anyway. But be aware that about eighty percent of the book is providing such historical perspectives.

On the other hand, if you want to add to your repertoire of cocktail party stories, this book is excellent. You get humorous glimpses into the foibles and virtues of those who wrote about flattery, as well as their writing. Mr. Stengel is a witty story teller, who makes it all much more interesting than it really is. For example, anyone who likes Dale Carnegie books or courses should read about Mr. Carnegie's background as an unpopular young person and ineffective salesman.

There are many legitimate ways to attract attention from people that are different from flattery (in the sense of "false praise"). For example, you can simply be very attentive because you respect all other people. You can tell funny stories because you like to amuse. You can help people accomplish things they care about, because you like to make life better for others.

Whatever you do, be sure that you choose how you want to be sociable, however, rather than simply falling into the habits of flattery without thinking about what you are doing. The unconscious desire to please may take you along paths you don't really want to trod.

Have true friends and a meaningful life!

Sam Rayburn was a towering Speaker of the United States House of Representatives in an era when the Speaker was king. His advice to new members of congress: If you want to get along, go along. This is Stengel's advice -- in spades! And he has the history to prove it.

But this is no more a self-help, climb-the-corporate-ladder book (although if you take his advice you will help your self and, perhaps, reach the top of the ladder) than was Alexander Pope's Essay on Man, which also was a guide through the shoals of life.

You're Too Kind is a witty, colorful, fast-paced trip through history -- the thread of flattery makes an engaging guide. This is a book you will enjoy from the first sentence to the last; and this is no mere flattery! :)

The book made for enjoyable reading. It was interesting as it is especially pertinent in a culture like the American culture which tries its hardest to bolster everyone's ego with feel-good messages. I think the truth is that we have got tired of hearing cliched congragulatory phrases and in an attempt to communicate something postive we try to outdo all the jaded postivisms out there by paying richer, heavier, and more meaningless compliments for things that are truly mundane.

YOU'RE TOO KIND covers all the bases of flattery, from its early origins in the Egyptian courts, to the modern conceptions we have today. Along the way, there are fascinating facts to be learned. And by the end, the reader will feel armed-and-dangerous with a myriad dinner-party-ready tidbits, as well as a solid understanding in the art of flattery (and, more importantly, how not to be detected).

The problem remains, this book just really doesn't know what it is. In many ways, it's a scholarly treatise, detailing the conventions of flattery through time, chock with allusion to historical text. But inevitably, it seems to be purposely injected with modern-day relativisms. Stengel writes in a casual, jocular manner, but inevitably, these comparisons denigrate his credibility as a scholar and end up distracting from the issues (is there ANY possible historical relevance to the movie "Titanic"??).

Despite the painstakingly detailed and incredibly interesting tracing of flattery through the ages, I still had to battle through the end of it. (And would that there were another word for flattery--that, in itself, made it all the more frustrating.)

Stengel's done some good work here. But the concept of the book is ultimately flawed.

***

NOTE TO BROWNNOSERS: skip to the epilogue for a condensed how-to on flattery.

I bought this book with high hopes, and did enjoy it. But. It does bounce around, from the fascinating history of flattery to great tips about flattery to research concerning flattery.

There's much to be learned from this book, and I'm glad I bought it, but I can't really say it's an enjoyable read. It's just not laid out well.

This book makes some good points and includes some interesting perspectives on flattery and grovelling. At the same time, it is decidedly "popular" rather than scholarly. The most irritating aspect of the book is the author's breezy flippancy; he tries much too hard to be much too clever, and the result is merely tiresome. I wish I could have checked this out of the library for a few days instead of buying it. For those with a serious interest in the subject, Alfons Silbermann's "Grovelling and Other Vices" is clearly superior.

I enjoyed this book tremendously because it zoomed in on the truth about human relations by way of all the different realms of knowledge (history, philosophy, entertainment, politics, business and of course psychology) where the truth is so often brushed aside. If you are willing to be honest about human relations, you will have to accept the fact that flattery does work. Stengel is not saying you should flatter; he's exploring the realities of life among a species that is curiously responsive to flattery. I was originally drawn to this book because it incorporates monkey studies that are central to my own book (I, Mammal: Why Your Brain Links Status and Happiness. I found it strikingly original - not a rehash of academic psychology. When you finish reading this book, you're armed to accept the facts of life among humans.

I read this book years ago- and enjoyed it immensely at the time. Funny, wry and incisive. But the best compliment that I can give, as this world turns ever faster, is that I have kept thinking about it over the years. Just discovered this page as I decided I would check to see if the author has written any new books recently.
A much loved treasure on my bookshelf.

So I bought this book because I was curious and share the Sir name with the author. And with a name like "Stengel" that means we are related (as we all came from the same part of Bavaria). Actually all humans came from Africa, so we are ALL related anyway. A very fun, easy to read book. Worth reading whatever your name is.