Customer Reviews

You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation (Random House Large Print)

5 star:		(36)
4 star:		(22)
3 star:		(12)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

If nothing else, this little volume reminds mothers that their words have more power and impact on their daughters than they may realize....and vice versa. I absolutely agree with Tannen that mothers should avoid discussing weight, clothing and hairstyles unless ABSOLUTELY necessary (would you want anyone critiquing you in those areas, especially if the advice was unsolicited)?

While much of the book is common sense, there are many insights at well. The intimacy between mother and daughter can so easily turn into hurt and pain. Tannen gives solid info on treading through those dangerous waters with a fair shot at maintaining deep bonds throughout life.

One tip I found particularly useful: Communicate via email or in writing when things get really hard. Somehow putting down one's thoughts on paper, editing and rewriting one's words can offer a calmer perspective and avoid impulsive and angry reactions. In other words, allow some breathing space before continuing the conversation...or find another way to communicate without speaking directly.

Good advice - because, in the end, it doesn't really matter HOW you maintain the mother/daughter bond...it just matters that you do.

I must say, I read the book with an open mind but I really got so much more than I could have ever dreamed of. This book is a must for Mom's and adult Daugthers. My daughter is reading the book now and already I can see the effort she is making to understand me better and I certainly will think before I speak (to her) from now on. I truly did not see how I was coming across to my daughter. The book has truly opened my eyes, made me think and has helped me a find a neutral and effective way to communicate with my 20 something daughter.

This book HAD to be written for my daughter & me!! My daughter had started reading it & was not even past the 2nd chapter when she was yelling, "MOM!! YOU JUST HAVE TO READ THIS!!" Ohmigod, It is DEAD ON our relationship. Unlike some books that before you finished it, would have you seeking professional help, this makes me feel WONDERFUL that we are obviously not the only ones with all these same feelings and interactions. How comforting in itself! I absolutely love this book so far & am looking forward to reading the rest of it. HIGHLY recommended :) Thanks for writing such a good one. Beverly (& Jennifer) Armstrong

Great book. It was hard not to see myself, my mother and my daughter. First half of the book points out the error of our ways but the second half gives some practical advice on how to stop hurting those you love.

I found "You're Wearing That? : Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" to be a little too stereotypical of what we assume the mother/daughter relationship has to be. Too many moms think they need to talk until they're blue in the face and then, as a result, their kids just tune them out, learn to rebel and resent. The time for talking is when they are young, pre-pubescent, when they are all too willing to listen. This is where you lay the foundation, give them roots. The teenage years are where you listen and moms especially are failing at this as is evident from this book. Deborah Tannen points out how moms feel the need to control their daughters and what I see to be a desire to have a mini-me. When moms fail to see their daughters as independent beings with their own tastes and dreams, sparks will fly as well they should. I think this book gives great insight to what takes place but very little to point to a solution.
Becoming independent, high achieving adults who make a positive difference in life only happens when you give your children wings. "You're Wearing That? : Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" would have earned five stars had it taken the time to point that out.

I read about this in Good Housekeeping Magazine and it's been worth every penny. Deborah Tannen includes humor along with great examples of where communication can go wrong between a mother and a daughter. She hits the nail on the head! It has helped me understand the metamessages of communication that take place between mothers and daughters, who have such unique joys and challenges in our relationships. It has helped me understand my mother better and it will be a great resource for me as my daughter grows up. I have a waiting list of friends and family who want to borrow it from me when I'm done. Great resource!

Deborah Tannen has once again captured the subtleties of communication in this book about communication between mothers and daughters. It is witty, wry, stinging and touching. I laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed. Tannen's examination of and insight into this specific communication is not simply entertaining, however. She also offers suggestions and observations that might very well assist in the minefield of mother/daughter communications. (Starting with NOT saying, "You're wearing that?!") Since I find linguistics a fascinating field, I thought perhaps I was biased, however, my daughter and my future daughter-in-law concur with me that this book is a gem.

It never occurred to me that my mother and I are "typical." What a relief.

Yes, the book is "light" in parts. Yes, Tannen's own issues and angst come through loud and clear, as though she truly needed to write this book to purge her own demons. But it is also extremely enlightening. Many AHA moments.

The book is a blueprint for mending fences, reading signals, and growing up. Either the mother or the daughter has to be the adult. It doesn't matter which one. The rewards for learning how to put the past behind are tremendous.

And as an only daughter who lives 1200 miles away from my 84-year-old mother, with brothers who all live 15 minutes away from her, I might have to give up all the resentments I've invested so heavily in toward the boys for ignoring mother's needs. Now I understand that our mother is not interested in receiving their help - she wants mine.

It took me a while to get through the book because I would read a few pages and then have to spend some time processing. Obviously it didn't apply totally to the "issues" I was having with my two grown daughters but it was a huge help. It got me to stop and think about words and conversations, how important they are and how "loaded" they can be. I like that it wasn't a "fix it" book, she is a linguist and not a therapist. So the focus was just on how we talk to each other. Sometimes that awareness is all that is needed.

I heard about this book on NPR one day and read the excerpt they had online. I was just so suprised at how much it related to my relationship with my mother! I highly recommend it! To say the least, it has helped me understand my mother better.