Hello. I am the guy who wrote and illustrated Zombies Hate Stuff.
And when I say "wrote," I mean that I avoided using any actual sentences and stretched 80 individual words into a 64 page book.
Perhaps it is also worth mentioning that my editor thought of four of those words.
So, let's do the math: Between 2008 and 2011, I wrote 76 words.
The chances of my winning a Pulitzer Prize this year are fairly slim.
On the bright side, I also painted 56 watercolor illustrations to accompany the text, and since a picture is worth, like, six BILLION words, you are probably now regretting the fact that you inwardly mocked my intellectual capacity while reading the preceding paragraph.
By now you are surely asking, "Greg Stones, how do you know so much about zombies?
How do you know what they hate?
And why do you smell of urine?"
First of all, leave my bed-wetting out of this.
Secondly, I have no idea what zombies actually
hate, partially because they don't exist, but mostly because research makes me sleepy.
My history with the undead boils down to this: I saw Night of the Living Dead
for the first time in 2004 and thought it was really cool, so I started adding zombies to my paintings.
Not gross, rotting ghouls like you see these days, but classy zombies who understand the importance of a good suit and tie.
(The small amount of research that I did do showed that nine out of ten victims prefer being eaten by a professional living corpse who looks the part, versus some slacker zombie who thinks that it is actually okay to wear pajama pants in public.)
Getting back to my incredibly enthralling artistic evolution: first I painted lone zombies wandering through pretty landscapes, then I unleashed the walking dead on a series of unsuspecting penguins, and finally I turned the ghouls against the entire world in a series of pieces entitled "Zombies Hate..." whatever.
Eventually it occurred to me to organize all these random zombie hatreds into a book.
More imagined questions from my audience: Will this book help us survive a zombie apocalypse?
If you know that zombies hate clowns, you will not become a clown, with the added bonus that there will be one less clown in the world.
Based on this fact alone, Zombies Hate Stuff
benefits the entire planet.Should this book become a huge success, how soon will you begin to display diva-like behavior?
And so concludes my first stab at writing about myself on an Amazon product description.
Either my editor at Chronicle will read this and think "Wow!
What a writer!
Let's have him create ten more books for us!" or "Wow...I can't believe we published one of his books..."
Let's keep our fingers crossed, because a book about a bed-wetting zombie clown who hates penguins sounds like publishing gold to me.
Thank you for your time.