Customer Reviews

Zubaz Pants

5 star:		(49)
4 star:		(11)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Having recently moved into an upscale manufactured housing facility thanks to the luck conveyed upon me by my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, I stumbled upon the Zubaz pants here at Amazon and decided that these would complement the crisp, confident, and rugged image conveyed by the T-shirt.

Black Zebra naturally, as these are the sartorial equivalent of the red power tie or a navy blazer with bright buttons. My buddy has an original pair that I always admired. I should warn that in direct sunlight the high contrast pattern of these pants, if viewed directly, can cause dizziness and disorientation. That's why I keep my Oakley Blades on a leash around my neck, just in case.

I had just returned to my humble abode from the pheresis donation center when the UPS driver pulled up with my package. Realizing what was being delivered I grabbed the box, thanked the driver and mostly ran up the five steps to my double wide.

Hopping on one foot while trying to get my acid washed jeans over my boots, I simultaneously opened the box with what pass for my teeth. As I pulled the silky polyester over my legs I was simultaneously struck by a sense of awe and wonder. That's when I fell over and nearly knocked myself out on the rear projection television in the living room.

In hindsight I should have realized that this was the first sign of trouble.

After putting the pants on and admiring them for a few hours, I went down to the Wal-Mart to get some scratch and wins. I went over to Arbys and smoked half a pack of Marlboro Light Menthols down to the filter while I went carefully through the lottery tickets, rubbing each one on the Moon for luck. After 25 tickets, I hadn't even won $2!!!!!

Perhaps it was the nicotine, perhaps it was the sheer awesomeness of my attire which overwhelmed me, but I didn't realize that this was another sign that things were not altogether correct.

In the next 48 hours I misplaced my keys, lost my job at Waffle House, was rejected by four women I tried to pick up, chipped my remaining front tooth when I botched a flying roundhouse kick breaking up a fight at the roadhouse, and even spilled ketchup on my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt while eating a chili-dog.

To add insult to injury, someone keyed my Camaro. Three days later I found myself face down in a puddle of my own sick, choking back the tears of a wasted youth.

I don't know how to explain it but the awesome factor of the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt is not in fact multiplied by the Zubaz pants. It's like Cold Fusion - once you bring two multifarious confidence and testosterone factors into play, the inverse coalition of chronological extremes dipolarizes the original fulcrum.

That is to say, not only do they cancel each other out, you're screwed.

I've burned the pants, bought another Three Wolf Moon T-shirt and even tried the Breakthrough Wolf T-Shirt.

Nothing has restored my Mojo.

Upon quiet reflection I've come to accept my fate. Don't let this happen to you!


Now to settle back for a tall glass of

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz

You might enjoy it's nourishing and self defense properties as described in my recent review....

I was searching for clothes that speak to me.. These pants not only spoke to me, they entered my soul and transformed me. When I get out of my bitchin 78 camaro wearing these bad boys, there's no question who the boss man is..
You can easily go commando in these and feel even more manly. Your junk swings freely and using the restroom is that much easier..
Accessories to consider:
Flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off. The "don't mess with me" look.
flip flops - The casual "I'm too lazy to get fully dressed" look.
baseball helmet with two beer can holders on the sides.
Ball cap worn backwards or to the side. You know I'm coooool.
These pants will get the ladies. There are many many places these can be worn to attract the female species:
Tractor pull
Walmart
NASCAR events
Your local neighborhood crack houses.
The drug rehab rec room
Any place in the state of IOWA.

I recommend buying multiple pairs. Keep an extra pair in the trunk of your car.. You never know where you will wake up in the morning but you will always have a clean pair of these bad boys with you..

I call these my Cock Fight pants. I know what you are thinking, why Cock Fight? Why not Zebra Fight pants? Here, let me explain:

The first time I wore these pants, I tried to capture the spirit of the animal print from which they came: the Zebracorn (50% Zebra / 50% Unicorn = 100% real. See Google). I would wear these pants with nothing more than Crocs on my feet and hair on my chest, and prance around the block like the mighty, legendary Zebracorn. It was kind of like skipping, using an intermittent hop, kind of a gallop. Yes, definitely a gallop. And I held my hands in front of my chest like I wasn't exactly sure what to do with them. People would ask if I was gay as I pranced around. I'd smile, wave, and wish them a happy day too. Then one day my friend explained to me that those people used a redefined meaning of that word. I didn't know they did that! (Change word meanings, I mean.)

So I got worried. No more prancing around the block. To help protect myself from the block bullies who changed words, I decided to take Capoeira lessons. I wore these pants to every lesson. For years worth of lessons, my pants never failed me. They didn't fade, and the stripe lines never blurred. My confidence roared, like a Zebracorn! I was so elite that I entered every Street Fighter contest and won!

I became so confident that people began to call me "cocky". I tried to get them to call me "Corny" in respect to the legendary Zebracorn, but it didn't work. Eventually the name "Cocky" grew on me. I decided to officially adopt it and took on the street fighting name of Giant Cock. My logo was a Cock with a pirate's eye patch. I shaved it into my chest hair! It looked so good with these pants. The women flocked to me like Hens. I asked if they wanted to be my towel girls. They said yes! They were so proud to be able to towel the sweat off the Giant Cock after a fight.

In my youth I was strong and stood tall. But after years of fighting, and just plain old age, I had problems staying up against almost any opponent and would get knocked out easily. Usually less than one round. I had to retire. As a sign of my past life behind, I burned my Cock Fight pants at sea. There were no ashes, just melted goop.

Now, after breakthroughs in science and bad economies, I'm so happy to see these pants make a come back. I've been going through physical therapy, taking steroids, and have started fighting again. I couldn't find a Cock t-shirt to symbolize the rebirth of my career, but I found a wolf one! Breakthrough Wolf T-Shirt - Available in Various Sizes But I still wasn't complete without my Zubaz! I ordered a pair, and am waiting for delivery. Very soon the Giant Cock shall return!

Order a pair of Zubaz pants and you too can be a Giant Cock!

Pros: Turns you into a Giant Cock. Doesn't burn easily.
Cons: None!

"These are not jeans!" I said to my boss as he looked at me accusingly last casual Friday.

"I don't care what they are, you still can't wear them," he replied.

WHAM POW! FLYING ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO HIS STUPID FACE!

Man I am so glad I found these. Its so rare to find a pair of comfortable pants that are also so dang stylish. Normally I have to settle for boring sweats if I want this much room for my package, now I got some slick stylin zubaz pants to strut around in. The ladies will love them, you can wear them to work and then keep them on when you get home for pajamas. Best pants ever, its either zubaz or I go naked.

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." -- Sir Winston Churchill
These are the pants truth wears.

When I first saw that they still made these I was so exited. I've been saving my white reboks, cutoff shirts (both nex and sleves, whats up ladies)(It's also cut off to show my rock hard abs.) Icouldn't wait to pull those pants up past my belly button. i grabbed my croakie equipped Jim Mcmahon oakleys, and drove my house to the post office in anticpation. when i got them i put them on immediately (Hey lady, if you don't like the package than don't bring your kids to the post office) and have yet to take them off. i actually haven't left the mirror in a few hours. That's right, my van has a mirror ceiling. Next I went to the bowling alley and all of its hot mamas was waiting for me when i got there last night. i felt like macho man randy savage, no one couldn't take their eyes off me. snap into it! yea! after a few miller lites, i took not one, but two beautiful women back to the van. Less teeth less bite, know what I'm sayin. Rock on. when this vans a rockin dont come a knockin! you know what i mean? yea! turns out one was maybe a guy but at that point I don't ask too many questions. maybe the rose bushes will bloom now.

Not since my audition for the "U Can't Touch This" video have I seen pants these amazing. Five stars are really not enough, I would select the entire galaxy of stars, suns, black holes, and hemorrhoids to even give these pants a wink of a chance of what they are worth. Now I am not a particularly attractive person, and have, in fact, been called "a hideous monster", "pedophyle-like", and "just plain disgusting." But these pants have changed my life. It could be that people are so wowed by my pants that they are too distracted to look at my face, or they are captivated by my monkey wrench dangling betwixt my legs as I walk in these (might I add, swoosh-less) pants, but whatever it is, they attract all kinds of ladies. I even buy Zebra Stripe gum to make sure to match my whole outfit. I can blend in easily in any serengeti setting or at the local zoo, where I get my kicks showing off my new "business in the front, party in the back" look. Although I have yet to be approached by anyone with more than 4 strands of hair and 6 teeth, I know that I'm not buying the cow because the milk's always free when you rock ZUBAZ! HUZZAH!

When I wake up at 5pm everyday before going to the box factory I make sure I am not actually naked because my Zubaz are so comfortable. Then I make sure I grab my Roadhouse VHS to get on with the business.

Until recently, I've had trouble finding pants that are both fashionable and conducive to my chosen fighting style (a lethal mix of Filipino stick fighting, Thai kick boxing, and Oklahoma pig grappling). Jeans have always proven constrictive, while corduroy chafes. Sweatpants are comfortable, but hardly something one would wear out to, say, Olive Garden or Old Country Buffet.

No, I needed something that would enable me to dish out a neck-high snap kick while still looking classy and cool.

These are those pants.

From the moment I slipped them on, I knew I had found what I had long been searching for. The purple and white zebra pattern is not only stylish, it hypnotizes enemies, giving me an added advantage! And the dangling red drawstring doubles as a fantastic key holder.

If you're in the market for pants that not only look and feel great, but allow for maximum kick height and velocity, look no further than Zubaz. I've got a pair for every day of the week!