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To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed Paperback – September 1, 2009

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Alix Kates Shulman (Author)
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4.8 out of 5 stars 23 customer reviews
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 192 pages
  • Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux; First Edition edition (September 1, 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0374532052
  • ISBN-13: 978-0374532055
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.4 x 8.5 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (23 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #195,196 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5 starsBeautiful storytelling wrapped around a clear explanation of TBI
By Pat McNees on September 28, 2008
Format: Hardcover
I agree with everything the official reviewers above say: It is a beautifully written memoir and a compelling story. It is also a portrait of a loving relationship that will probably make most of us think, "It's a good thing that wasn't me--I don't think I could have adapted the way Alix Shulman did." The author has woven in, especially in the last part of the book, clear explanations of what happens when there is traumatic brain injury (TBI), and works into the story some of the tips she picks up along the way of how to take care of herself and hang on to at least a few hours to herself during each day. This is not presented as a how-to book, but you sure do get a sense of what you have to be prepared to do, and to give up, if something like this fall from a sleeping loft leaves someone in your family handicapped. Among other things, she has to deal with her husband's loss of short-term memory, his around-the-clock emotional dependence on her, and outbursts of anger and aggression that are especially hard to deal with because he was such a gentle person. TO LOVE WHAT IS is a slim and highly readable book, one I would not hesitate to suggest or give to anyone who has to deal with TBI (or to decide how MUCH they love that person they are thinking of marrying).
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4.0 out of 5 starsLove is dedication
By D. E. Young on October 29, 2008
Format: Hardcover
Alex Shulman taught me to think about what lies ahead for many of us. If a spouse does not die instantly - the alternative could be anything from terminal illness, to brain damage or anything in-between. Her honesty and description of feelings that many people would not admit to are admirable. I truly couldn't put this book down. Being 50 years old and having not really thought about what lies ahead regarding illness and death of a spouse, this made me go inside myself about how I would handle a similar situation. My husband is now reading this book and he is already gripped by her writing style and the subject matter.
I highly recommend this book.
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5.0 out of 5 starsA Parkinsons disease patient's perspective.
By James N. Kulpan on May 30, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I am an 81 year old Parkinsons disease guy whose first symptoms began to show up fifteen years ago but who was not diagnosed until seven years ago. Fortunately my wife possesses many of the sterling characteristics possessed by Alix Shulman. She helps me get dressed, helps me into and out of chairs and the car, answers the same questions I ask her day after day without getting angry and generally replaces the important elements that my brain disease steals from me as the days go by.

As a quirk of fate, I played basketball at Duke University sixty years ago with Scotty, Alix's husband who is written about in the book, and what a wonderful love story she tells!

I agree with everything that has been written about the book by others. Alix Shulman as an outstanding writer. She presents complicated medical theories and problems in easy to understand language and relates a number of fascinating stories she has lived, while furnishing many interesting details others would omit for personal reasons.

Alix is a masterful reader's writer who gives the reader full value for each dollar spent, both in telling the story in all its details and in the manner in which it is constructed.

Jim Kulpan
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5.0 out of 5 starsTO READ WHAT IS, Marion D. Cohen, author of STILL THE END: MEMOIR OF A NURSING HOME WIFE
By Marion D. Cohen on November 28, 2013
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This book is, of course, wonderfully written, moving, inspiring, and so on. I find, too, that it's INTERESTING. First, things HE says: "Are you my mother or my wife?" he asks, only at times, then "Oh, don't worry about it... it's just a brain thing.. they keep switching back and forth: mother and wife. Just a brain thing, that's all." And, in a sad moment, "You do so much and I do nothing productive." Second, things SHE says, to him: "Maybe that's true right now... but until you fell, you had a tremendously productive life. Look around this loft at the artwork you've made..." I commend her on the things she thinks to say, not only in her writing but in her LIVING.

".. in my circumstances you'd do the same," she writes, to her friends and to us. My own circumstancess were very different from hers. The cognitive loss was subtle, not recognized by the medical system, thus depriving me of that type of support. It also took the form of verbal and financial abuse. And he was not physically healthy; in fact, his multiple sclerosis was what caused the cognitive loss and he was also paralyzed (below the neck). The cognitive loss was, for a long time, the least of it. And he, almost always, assumed I would "continue to do this" forever and ever; very seldom did he show the appreciation that Scott so beautifully showed. AND I had ceased to love him. I'll never know whether, in her circumstances, I'd "do the same". If I had a minute to decide, I think I'd choose to not.

But this author is honest. We trust that she's not into denial or martyrdom, that she values her self and her work; we trust her honesty and her emotional intelligence. We trust the thought and feeling processes she describes. TBI is interesting, but if it were my situation I don't know whether it would be interesting ENOUGH. But this is HER story, and I choose "to read what is", and to recommend it.
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5.0 out of 5 starsGorgeous, Outrageous, Courageous
By Sallie Reynolds on July 4, 2014
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This is a gorgeous and painful book about what I, for one, am most fearful of: losing my late-found love to age or injury. And we both know that one or the other of us will be left either alone or coping with the inevitable decline into death. We talk about it often, and make first one plan and then another. What Alix Kates Shulman does is wiser and braver. She takes it day by day and finds the beauty and joy as well as the pain and fear. Sometimes it is hard work. Sometimes, it is a gift from the stars. I will reread this book many times. Thank you, Ms. Shulman. Blessings.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5 starsGreat book!

Great story. Wish it was longer or there was a sequel.

Published 14 months ago by CNye
5.0 out of 5 starsI am Glad that She is a Writer

Without her writing skill, I don't think this true story could have been told so beautifully. I admire her for candidly sharing their journey in such a well-written and... Read more

Published 19 months ago by Mary Ann
3.0 out of 5 starsgood personal story

The story was well-written and interesting, and of course one always learns from others' experiences. Read more

Published 24 months ago by Jonna
5.0 out of 5 starswonderful book

I felt like I could feel every moment of the authors life while reading this book. The love and heartache was so moving. The clarity of writing was impressive.

Published on February 11, 2014 by Jeannette booklover
4.0 out of 5 starsWorth the read..........

Book documents how life can change in an instant - not for seen and not welcomed - not prepared for and not a clue on how much such an event / or comparable event - will change... Read more

Published on January 27, 2014 by Jack Webb
5.0 out of 5 starsheartbreaking, honest

Alix Kates Shulman wrote "Memoirs of an Ex-Prom Queen" many years ago and it has remained one of my favorite books. Read more

Published on August 20, 2013 by Jazzlily
5.0 out of 5 starsTo Love what is: A Marriage Transformed

Great Author, and I now have a greater understanding of how one woman can be as strong as she needs to be in any circumstances.

Published on December 27, 2012 by Shiralyn Yates
5.0 out of 5 starsA Love Story

In this movingly honest and bold memoir this gifted author captures the essence of life as a loving spouse turned caregiver.

Published on October 8, 2012 by carefulsnail
4.0 out of 5 starsImportant book to read for caregivers dealing with brain injures

Alix book was just the book I needed to deal with taking care of my husband who also also suffered brain damage as result of a fall. Read more

Published on March 1, 2011 by evyep
5.0 out of 5 starsA must read for anyone living with a TBI survivor

My adult son suffered a traumatic brain injury a year and a half ago. I have read virtually every book on the subject of TBIs written by survivors and those who love them. Read more

Published on October 22, 2010 by Nancy

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