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674 of 829 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
the ring of truth, March 3, 2005
By the top of page 4, I knew who Martha is and who her father was. I was raised in the church and served a mission to Japan in the late 1970s with one of Martha's brothers.
Martha's book is the most honest and even-handed account of the church and its doctrinal dilemmas I have ever come across. Most accounts are either for or against the church and seek only to destroy other viewpoints. I didn't get that feeling from Martha's account at all. It's clear that most of those condemning this book haven't read it. Ignore them and read it yourself.
I grew up reading every LDS Church book I could get my hands on. I pored over them, practically memorized some of them, and read the Book of Mormon and other scriptures daily and prayed with all my heart. I was the kid who always loved to go to church; no one had to drag me there. After a great deal of soul-searching over many years, I left the LDS church about 20 years ago, at the age of 27. I didn't experience the kind of sexual abuse Martha went through, and my heart goes out to all who have suffered so, but I could relate 100% to her descriptions of the Church, the doctrines, the good people who try so hard to be perfect, the yearning for God, the incredible mental efforts to try to make sense out of the nonsense, the secrecy and obsession with control of the leadership. I'll never forget how disappointed I felt when I first put on the temple garments and went through the endowment ceremony at the Oakland Temple.
I first became aware of certain issues about unsavory behavior by some of the leadership while on my mission, and it left a terrible taste in my mouth. I know we are all human and have weaknesses, but the problem is when religious institutions try to set up some people as infallible and not to be questioned (the Pope, the mullahs and ayatollahs, and the General Authorities all come to mind). I tried to make it all make sense, and I tried to forget that polygamy was the fate that awaits good Mormon women. I tried to forget the many little insults and debasements of Mormon women. Ultimately I could not ignore the evidence of my senses, my reasoning and my conscience. The greatest lessons that I learned from my years in the Church are ultimately what led me away: to listen to the still, small voice inside, to do what I knew was right no matter what others around me might say, and to open my heart and mind to unsuspected sources of joy and understanding. I can't say I've found as much certainty as Martha seems to have found, but I am certain that one of the smartest things I ever did was to leave the Church; I only wish I'd done it sooner. Much, much sooner. Martha's book has helped me to free myself from the last vestiges of regret. I miss the sense of community, yes, but I know that the Church is not the only place that can be found.
I've read some of the hate mail Martha has received on her site, www.leavingthesaints.com, and it doesn't reflect well on those people's personal religion. That is, spewing that kind of hate and intolerance is hardly a sign you are close to the divine. I know that most Mormons are very good, sincere people who try very hard to do what is right. I grew up among them, I was one of them, and many family members and extended family members are still very devout and no doubt think I'm beyond the pale because I left. I say, if it works for them, more power to them, but I could not continue in such a patriarchal, controlling, domineering environment where the truth must be whitewashed and carefully controlled. Thanks, Martha, for writing so eloquently and compassionately about your journey.
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750 of 928 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Discrepancies, May 8, 2005
I've been asked by many people to give my views on this book since I am one of only five people actually named in the book: three of them are my children and too young at the time to comment on the veracity of the book; the other named person is Martha and her view is expressed in 320 pages.
Before you read my comments, you should understand that Martha and I are divorced and have not lived as husband and wife for over ten years. Martha may argue that I am writing this review out of spite. I am not. Without my consent, I am made to feel like an accomplice in her accusations and her anger; I'm not comfortable with how that makes me look to my friends and family. By dint of her profession, she has a national audience ready to believe in her story. Others who are described (often unflatteringly) in this book have little or no access to the court of public opinion.
Let me describe two topics in the book that bother me the most: the way my parents were portrayed and the "Mormon Response" to my leaving the church.
One of the most hurtful discrepancies in the book is the way she describes my parents. She reports that my mother and father came to our house the day after my appearance on television (not true, it was a couple of days later) and in the midst of much small talk Martha inferred that my parents were telling me that they still loved me. Here's how it really went. My mother walked in the door gave me a hug before she even had her coat off and with tears in her eyes said "I don't agree with your decision, but you are my son and I want you to know that I will always love you." It was one of the most touching and important moments in my life. I will always love and respect my mother for her forthrightness and willingness to so openly forgive me even though I had done something so hurtful to her.
My experience of the Mormon response to my leaving the church is also rather different from the one I read in this book. While I left the church even before Martha (and arguably more publicly), I personally never received one threatening phone call or note. I never even saw any of Martha's. While I remember Martha talking about one crank phone call, she received; I do not remember that the caller threatened to "dis-member" us. Nor did Martha show or talk to me about the copy of a "blood red" Antichrist note she writes about receiving. I never took any precautions against such "threats" because I never heard about them. Perhaps she did receive them, but said nothing to me about them.
When I did leave the church, I did it for principally spiritual reasons. I was never ostracized by my friends or colleagues. Two of my close friends at that time were sons of top Mormon officials-they remain colleagues to this day. I had many discussions with Mormon co-workers, family members, and even old high school friends in the days and months that followed the public disclosure that I had "left the church." People wanted to understand, but none of them shunned me. Neighbors were sometimes socially uncomfortable and didn't know how to react to me when I wasn't going to church on Sundays; some of them expressed their differences of opinion with my decision. But I still have many, many Mormon friends.
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68 of 82 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
The need to ask hard questions, February 28, 2007
I have already reviewed Martha Beck's first book "Breaking Point" to which I allocated five stars. (I still maintain that it is one of the best books I have ever read.) In it, Beck addresses the paradoxical demands imposed on women by society, but emphasises the need for "honesty and compassion." However, after my initial gut reaction to "Leaving the Saints" I began to ask myself some hard questions about her radical change of heart. Those two qualities for which I admired her in "Breaking Point" seem to be absent in "Leaving the Saints."
In particular, Beck refers frequently to experiencing "the Light" which occurred during several NDE-like experiences and which immersed her in an infinitely accepting and unconditional love, irrespective of whatever wrongs she had ever committed. The first question for me was not concerning her father, but Beck herself - why was she unable, even years later, to show the same love for him that she had experienced herself. NDEs and other mystical experiences tend to result in a new compassion, even when there is much to forgive. But the conventional therapy that Beck went through (which addresses pathology rather than power) seemed to diminish rather than reinforce her experience of "the Light." In fact, I have serious concerns about the training and qualifications of the counsellors Beck consulted. Some of their actions were well outside the parameters of normal procedure.
In case you think I am just another armchair critic, I should say that I related very personally to what Martha Beck claims to have experienced. But the similarity ends there. My experience of healing from abuse is that it does not come from condemnation or retribution (especially public.) While this book may be valid as autobiography, it assumes an advisory role that is questionable. I can only urge women who have been abused to have the courage to reject personal retribution as an option. In the end it will prove an empty victory. Your pain has not robbed you of your power: it has only concealed it from you. Find someone who will help you rediscover it -but not at the expense of someone else.
Whether Beck's accusations are true or not (and she expresses doubt as to their validity herself) her unremitting anger means that more than a decade has passed without closure or healing. Take Beck's treatment of her father after all that time (I take it this event took place close to publication.) She conducted a five-hour interrogation of him - a 94 year old just out of hospital - in a hotel room. Would you do that to an elderly parent? He was not permitted an advocate to speak in his defence, while Beck had a number of women supporting her. How fair was that? And her description of his growing fatigue and confusion is derisive. Where was "the Light" in that hotel room? Or in her recounting the incident?
I decided that, in fairness, I should research all points of view on this book, and was challenged to find the family's response to be calm, loving and concerned, contrary to what is implied elsewhere. No counter attack at all. The formal response from Boyd Peterson (her brother-in-law) to be found on the FAIR website, is well-reasoned and fully referenced, but still deeply caring. I get the impression that all of the family - including Beck herself - are experiencing ongoing pain, which leaves me asking; has the book initiated healing - or prevented it?
It was also eye-opening - and disturbing - to see on her "Leaving the Saints" website that Martha Beck dismisses false memory syndrome as completely fabricated and the movement as having been begun by a paedophile. That is manifestly untrue, and it is totally unprofessional for an academic researcher to smear the opposition to prove her own argument. It is ad hominem argument of the worst kind. I am deeply saddened by the hate mail Beck received, but this does not justify her pejorative statements, which, by implication, denigrate authorities on memory distortion, like Emeritus professor, Elizabeth Loftus. It is damaging to victims of abuse and victims of false allegations alike. The latter do occur - as do false charges for every other crime on the legal calendar. That's why we have a justice system. I know several women who are victims of false sexual allegations, and as Richard Ofshe (also a sociologist) says, they suffer a "private agony" - a form of spiritual rape.
It is tragic that, in the ten years following Beck's first allegations, the family was unable to achieve private mediation and resolution. Not being a Mormon, and never having been one, I cannot make informed comment on the church issues; I'll have to leave that to Boyd Petersen's comprehensive response. But what is even more tragic is the fact that, by writing this book, Beck has taken her father to a public court without allowing him recourse to the defence he would have had in a court of law. That would have been far kinder. She did not even choose academic publication that would have been open to peer review - and the thoughtful scrutiny that would have involved. What is more, she has virtually undressed her family in public. Surely there was a better answer - for Martha Beck as well as her family - than her book "Leaving the Saints." I sincerely hope they find it.
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by Martha Nibley Beck
