The Way Out: The Gay Man's Guide to Freedom No Matter if You're in Denial, Closeted, Half In, Half Out, Just Out or Been Around the Block (Paperback)

by Chris Nutter (Author) "I have spent my entire life looking for the way out of pain..." (more)
Key Phrases: New York, Tony the Trainer

Editorial Reviews

About the Author
Christopher Lee Nutter has been shedding new light on the gay experience for over a decade through ground breaking journalism in The Village Voice, Details, The Advocate, The New York Times, Vibe, The Gay and Lesbian Review Worldwide, and many others. He has also written for Cargo, New York Magazine, Time Out New York, HX, The New York Post, Lambda Book Review and appeared on VH-1 and the Metro Channel's Naked New York.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Introduction: Finding My Way Out

I have spent my entire life looking for the way out of pain. However, no matter what form it took—fear, depression, bitterness, anxiety, jealousy, loneliness, addiction, anger, judgment, self-criticism, you name it—and no matter how much it hurt, for most of my life I didn't think of it as pain. Rather I qualified these feelings as symptoms of my imperfection. In other words, I thought the pain was me.

As an adolescent growing up in the suburbs of Birmingham, Alabama, in the '70s and '80s, I was in a lot of pain. But by the time I was sixteen, I was sick enough of being listless and depressed to do something about it. I decided that I wanted to be happy. And I was certain that the way to do this was to correct my imperfections.

The most serious of these imperfections was my homosexuality— it was my fatal flaw, my original sin that I had not chosen to commit. Though by my midteens I had accepted that this condition was never going to change, I could not really accept that I was gay. To me that would have meant accepting that I was a lonely, pitiful and defective human being, that I was not loved by God, that I was less than straight men, that the only others like me were shadowy discards from society. Doing that would have meant accepting that I was never going to be happy, so that was out of the question.

My sexual attraction to men, however, was by no means the only imperfection I needed to cloak. Compared to the fabulous Pretty in Pink teens I grew up with, I was absolutely riddled with imperfections—I wasn't beautiful; I wasn't rich; I wasn't masculine; I wasn't confident; I wasn't athletic. As I became hyperaware of these inadequacies, too, I slowly became both ashamed and embarrassed to be me. To remedy this I became devoted to getting gorgeous and becoming popular—in other words, to getting "perfect." And college became the set where I was able to successfully act the role of a privileged pretty boy. Playing this role felt like the very first shot of morphine after a lifetime of debilitating pain, and I often felt high. But whenever the morphine wore off, I would find myself hurtling back into the void, and it was as if I had never left. Meanwhile, my sexuality was literally in the closet—that's where I kept my gay porn, on a high shelf in a small closet blocked off by a large chair. I even did such a number on myself that, whenever I saw a guy I thought was gay, I would find myself thinking, "Ugh, how horrible that would be." Then I would momentarily move into a kind of twilight zone of awareness of the fact that I was this person I pitied. I was in a state of shock over my own being.

Then in 1993 I made a monumental shift in how I experienced my life when I rebelled against the depression that still tormented me and looked inside myself for the first time for its source in the form of my own thoughts. Not only did learning how to fight my thoughts mark the beginning of the end of depression for me, it awoke a nascent awareness of my power to change the reality of my life by looking inward rather than outward. As a result, the way I lived my life began to change.

First I ditched my plans to go to law school and decided instead to follow my lifelong dream to become a writer. Even more significant, for the first time in my life I began to question my belief that I couldn't come out of the closet and be happy. There were few images of gay people in the media then, so it was still a very lonely time to be gay. And I couldn't even say the word "gay" out loud, so I was at a total loss as to how to go about coming out. Then opportunity struck. One night I read in Details magazine that they were starting a new section that readers could submit stories for. And I had a revelation: I would write an essay about life inside the closet and thereby come out in the process. As much as going through with it scared me, and as much as it seemed an impossible long shot that it would be selected, I became aware of a silent, certain knowledge about what to do next: write that essay. And so I did.

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: HCI (May 16, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0757303927
• ISBN-13: 978-0757303920
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.4 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #423,741 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

12 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars Wild Thing! A Gay Stuart Smalley In Blunderland, February 4, 2008

By	G. Charles Steiner "Charles Steiner" (San Francisco) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

The editors who put the author up to writing this manifesto of silly mystical trash ought to be run out of the publishing business. This ridiculous, nearly hysterical screed of a book in no way shows "the way out" to anyone about anything.

If the author actually meant to indicate some kind of door to freedom for gay men, it's certainly not a psychological door. It's a back door -- back to another kind of closet, the religious closet, one in which you can hide or, better, disguise (or deceive) your "fabulous self" (a phrase used frequently in the book) and drop your gay identity so as to become One with God and everything -- but still have sex, of course (though probably not as much as you're used to).

The author is offering the reader an "alternative religion" closet (as compared to the Roman Catholic priesthood closet, for example) to step into. Religion and "spirituality" can perform these (verbal) "tricks" so well. It's called "word-magic." Like standard religions, Nutter's particular brand of theology (New Age) has all the answers so you don't have to use your tired out, stressed out brain to do any more thinking! Just follow the golden stream -- er, dream!

There are eight (8) chapters to this book. Passing over (or even pissing over - no matter) the required Introduction, the second chapter is tentatively about coming out consciously, but what the author means by "conscious" won't be hammered onto the reader's brain until much later in the book. This chapter, like all the other chapters, however, reads like a fifth grade reader, as spoken by a teenager, not a mature adult. "If you look into what Jesus said, he really had it down about how the universe works." Curiously, Mr. Nutter doesn't discuss Jesus' hell and judgment that will come to man on Judgment Day either in this context - or anywhere else in the book. I suppose that would just be too much of a downer, eh?

In the third chapter, the author gives really bad and dangerous advice about how to come out. He tells you, like a Nike commercial, just do it. It's easy. Since you don't know what other people think, you're just identified with your own thoughts. You can only know what you think and feel, not what other people think and feel. Put aside your expectations, he advises. Not only is coming out not an easy process but it can be a very dangerous one, and it is patently false that we can't know what other people are thinking and feeling. Ever hear of gossip? How about facial expressions? Slamming doors and cursing at the same time? The author actually believes that because his intent is goodness and kindness, he can do no harm! (The man seems informed by no academic discipline whatsoever -- good literature, logic, history, or science.)

In the third chapter, he now understands his advice needs to be qualified: coming out can be dangerous after all! What?

In this chapter, what had been a trend in his thinking from the Introduction on, now becomes fully consistent and heavily established: the author thinks in absolutes and extremes -- what Stuart Smiley (an actual reference within this book -- no kidding!) used to call "stinkin' thinkin'."

Here are some sample absolutistic assertions in this book:

(1) "All you have to do is . . . ." All?

(2) "I am just like you." No, you're not!

(3) "....only your character could believe that you are inferior to someone who is younger..." Only my "character" (he means "subpersonality")? Have you ever caught a glimpse of a teenager talking to his parent? Remember the slogan "don't trust anyone over 30"? My "character" isn't the "only" one.

(4) "Judging others is a symptom of self-judgment." And your point is? You're judging me for my review, aren't you? A man who gives bad advice and can't think beyond middle-school level (given his brain being normal) can't be judged a fool? Something smells stinky here . . . . The author, at the end of his manic religious tract of a book states, "...denying a creator when presented with .... an infinitely complex ... universe . . . is ... insane...." No judgment there, I suppose, eh?

(5) "Any thought that it's too late in the game for you to change ... is the thought of your internal abuser . . .?" The thought that it's too late for me to get caught in this con game is not my internal abuser, I can assure you! Besides, the tv program "American Idol" won't accept people beyond a certain age, no matter how good they can sing, and they won't listen to you, Mr. Nutter!

(6) "...in the universe there are only two emotions: love and fear." In the universe? I thought human beings and living creatures like animals were the ones who possessed this level of consciousness. What science book is Nutter reading? And "only" two emotions? The author lists "conflict" as an emotion (emotion?) derived from fear. Yeah, right! That's some fine psychological discrimination there!

(7) "...you are immensely powerful and you don't need other people." This is a strange absolute, except the author earlier mentions that we all do have a need for intimacy and HERE contradicts himself. But let's just say he's right, and I don't need other people: How am I supposed to get my intimacy needs met then? Robot sex? Computer counseling? What kind of freedom is this author after after all? In Chapter 5 we learn "Without Robert," the author declares, "I would still be extremely angry and isolated when it came to men...." So we DO NEED PEOPLE . . . .?

(8) Here's a really good dogmatic absolute: "...every romantic fantasy starts off, and ends, with loneliness." Every one! Why I am surprised! How about that! I can only hope the author's romance with this alternative religion has the same cycle -- though I don't wish him any emotional pain, poor guy!

(9) Lastly, the author states, "The truth ALWAYS diffuses negativity because the truth is ALWAYS harmless." Harmless! Harmless? Always! Just like the author's advice to come out to parents who may be hostile to your identity? Always? Wow! That's how I like my truth: impotent and harmless! 2+ 2 is totally harmless, just as is E=MC2. The truth is mosquitoes with malaria are deadly. Hitler's Ayran truth was harmless as well, I suppose. Bah, harmless truth!

Running throughout all eight (8) chapters, there are two intertwining threads, like DNA. One thread is vertical or chronological authorial and confessional information and the second thread is horizontal or dogmatically theological or the author's own system of beliefs. In the last two chapters, the author turns on the hysterical heat like some new contending gay Prophet for all the ages -- intimidating 14-year olds everywhere! He lets you know his palm tree is conscious. He tells you that you are the creator. (But Margaret Cho already told us: "I'm the one I want.")

By the racing, manic, torrential-rush-of-words finale that the author (and his unconscious editor who "validated" the author's writings) made of this book, sadly, I couldn't think of a more irritating and dislikeable author (except perhaps for Mark Steyn, author of the hatred-stirring book "America, Alone!"). What the author truly accomplished was to establish himself, and probably quite unconsciously, or better, what he did was to portray himself (again, unconsciously) as "THAT GUY." You know, the one who "has everything," and has got "the look" and every material possession to go with it, including the hunky boyfriend. Him. Christopher Lee Nutter is "THAT GUY" -- only this time round he's playing an entirely different "game" since he's reaching middle-age. The author earlier confessed to the reader that he'd "been there." He had been THAT GUY, WAS that guy. Now he is "all changed" from "that guy," or so he claims or wants the reader to believe. He says, "Believe me!" Dear Reader, do not believe him! No, Mr. Nutter is still "THAT GUY" -- but in the "spiritual universe." You do understand, don't you? The author simply switched the turf on which he likes to be "powerful." He's still "that guy"!

In conclusion, this book has one or two worthwhile psychotherapeutic insights to it, but I don't feel the author deserves any real credit for them. He certainly didn't originate them. These worthwhile ideas and insights from Nutter's memoir qua mystical tract about "conscious gay relationships" can better be explored, won, and understood more maturely and more sanely, by Alan Downs, Ph.D., the author of "The Velvet Rage."

"The Velvet Rage" addresses gay or homosexual relationship issues with greater finesse and intellectual discrimination than any book on gay psychology in recent years, and he tells you why it is important to heal your traumatic wounds before you enter into a relationship. "The Velvet Rage" is also available on Amazon.

If you want a thoughtful challenge to the current status of gay culture, read "Androphilia" by Jack Malebranche.

If you want to expand your consciousness without losing yourself in the process, read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.

But do not give "The Way Out" a moment's consideration. You'll be wasting time and wasting your being.

12 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Should be read by every gay man, June 19, 2006

By	MT - See all my reviews

The Way Out is a superb guide for gay men who want to achieve true freedom and peace of mind in their sexuality and relationships, and ultimately, the liberation promised by the greatest spiritual teachers of past and present. I cannot say enough good things about this book. I sincerely believe that nearly every gay man would profit tremendously by reading it and taking its recommendations seriously.

Nutter doesn't attempt to impose a new paradigm onto what it means to be gay, but rather helps us realize the importance of breaking out of ALL limiting paradigms so that we can be truly free. And yes, this is possible! Like the author, I've tasted it myself. As Nutter points out, it's only our unexamined beliefs that cause us pain and apparent limitation. Anybody who doesn't understand this has not yet taken the time to look at and critically examine his or her beliefs. And if the idea of doing this makes you uncomfortable, which it might, it's probably because you're just holding onto a belief about what it might mean.

The Way Out is NOT just another "coming out" guidebook. While it treats coming out with great depth and clarity, it the only book I know of that takes the idea of "coming out" ALL the way -- right through complete self-acceptance into self-liberation. This is the only true liberation possible for anyone, straight or gay.

Nutter has obviously navigated a challenging life road, and he candidly shares his fascinating stories with humility, honesty, humor and the clarity born of the willingness to follow one's own truth. Doing so has brought him enormous wisdom for a man still in his 30's. At 41, I've been following my own path of freedom for many years, but Nutter's book has offered me insights that I crucially needed. I completely agree with the subtitle to the book which suggests that any gay, bi or questioning man can profit from reading it, no matter how in or out of the closet he is.

In fact, if this book becomes the hit it deserves to be, the dominant gay culture, which as Nutter suggests can be as oppressive as straight culture, might change overnight. Buy this book, read it, be inspired by it, dive into your depths, find what is true before and beyond all the garbage in your mind (garbage imposed by straight culture and gay culture, but particularly our own minds), and realize freedom. Then give this book to others so that they can find freedom as well.

In closing, the only limitation I will ascribe to The Way Out is that the author does not explicitly recommend additional readings on the subject of spiritual freedom (although I realize this may have been an editorial decision). Interested readers of this book may want to consult Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" (the biggest-selling spiritual book of the century so far, and one which Nutter quotes in the text), and also Byron Katie's "Loving What Is," which would be an extremely helpful companion to the type of liberating inquiry into one's pain-inducing beliefs that Nutter recommends. The teachings of these two authors will complement perfectly Nutter's inspiring teachings on freedom in the final part of his marvelous book.

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Helps with the INWARD journey of coming OUT, November 21, 2007

By	DinLA (Los Angeles, CA) - See all my reviews

I really enjoyed Christopher Lee Nutter's book. For me when I came out, I thought the hard part was just that - telling family and friends and the world "I'm gay." For me the hardest part was coming out to myself. That was dealing with my own homophobia, fears and so forth. I came upon this book well after coming out to others. It helped me with my own ongoing inner journey of accepting and loving myself just as I am. Chris' honesty and openness about his own journey helped this reader embrace the book and its important messages.