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34 of 39 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Dungeons & Disasters, November 20, 2001
Well, folks, here it is- the movie we've all been waiting for. The only problem is, it's NOT the movie we've been waiting for. There must be some sort of mistake.All right, we're all big D&D fans, aren't we? That is, anyone that sits through this whole thing had better be one, or you'll probably need a 'remove paralysis' spell cast on you at the end of it. Anyone familiar with the franchise will know that the true power of D&D lies in the imagination, the development of characters, and plot- in that order of importance. Well, I suppose there is some sort of a plot mixed away in the screenplay, but it looks like someone cast 'blur' on that element of the film. Characterization? I suppose there was a hint of a romance between the hero and heroine (kissing and such, but nothing naughty), and yeah- there was the comic relief guy- who happened to be impaled and tossed off a wall much to the greater amusement of the audience. Other than that, your villains were obviously villains and your good guys were obviously good guys. Very black and white, plain, and childishly simple. Imagination? Naah. So we have a lot of dragons, I suppose, especially at the end. Boy was the firebreath flying in that part. Oddly enough, the city is still quite a city when they're done with their fireball frenzy. We should look up those architects for terror-proof buildings. The world is a completely new one, and no, that isn't a good thing. I have heard or read about a million suggestions that they redeem the D&D license on the silver screen by making a movie adaptation of Icewind Dale. I heartily agree. Not only did this new world lack the development of Faerun, but everything you did see in it seemed no different. Onward to the D&D aspects of it. If they had changed the title to something else, say- 'Attack of the Killer Fire-breathers,' you probably wouldn't be able to tell it was D&D. Okay, so the guy tells the girl that she's just a 'low level mage.' Cute, but that's where the game ends and the follies begin. There's some magic here and there that's recognizable- the mages chucking their fireballs at the end, and the dimension door that 'low level mage' is somehow able to cast even though it's a 4th level spell, which requires... okay, enough of that. Poor Snails just gets buried, no 'raise dead' or 'resurrection' for him. Then again, who wanted him back? I found myself actually cheering for the bad guys, which was unfortunate because they were all idiots. At least they were less stupid than the heroes, though. You get the feeling they're evil, but only when they feel like it. Obviously, they aren't aware of the experience penalty a change of alignment incurs on their character. As for the confrontations between the good and evil, they are so cliche it is painful. The hero just has to give up the thing-that-ends-the-world for the life of his girlfriend, but then *gasp* the evildoer double-crosses him! He lied! Son of a- ! My, my, it looks like we're going to need a sword duel to settle this. So, here is the debut of Dungeons & Dragons, that pinnacle of role playing games, now in movie format. If you haven't played the game before- or a computerized version of it- please do NOT think it's like the movie! No, it's really much better than that, because even the dumbest dungeon master in history could think up a more enjoyable adventure! For those of you that start shoveling popcorn the moment a special effect plays, maybe you'll get plenty of reconstituted butter sauce down on this one. Little kids, feel free to check it out, but unless your parents (heaven forbid) let you watch a PG-13 movie, you're probably going to have to wait until you come of age, and then you probably won't enjoy the movie anymore on account of your newfound measure of maturity. For those above age five, view at your own risk. It's a good thing I made my saving throw, or this thing would have polymorphed me into a poached egg.
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12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
I haven't laughed this hard in ages., January 23, 2002
After a dark and ominous opening narration, we see a great mage's chamber, almost completely taken up by the standard Giant Twirling Machine (a la "Dark Crystal"). Cut to a wild-eyed Profion (Irons), who paces toward the camera and STARES. But wait! he's just staring at the machinery behind us. Lightning sparks, and the wheels spins faster: a wand is being charged. Profion extatically darts to the machine, plucks the scepter, and proclaims: "Yes! At last!""Release him!" Profion commands. A henchman gasps; he's never to be seen again. Henchmen spin flywheels. A grate is raised, revealing an irate dragon. The beast spits fire, causing henchmen to scatter. Cut to one tripping and falling. Cut to another catching fire. Profion points his wand and rasps: "You are mine now! Come to me!" His blue-lipped right-hand man looks on admiringly. Then the spell is broken and the dragon gets mad. Profion crushes the beast with a portcullis and covers his face in frustration. There's always another day. Thus begins a movie that does a disservice to the already-marred name of fantasy cinema, a genre with a "Conan" for every "Willow." "Dungeons & Dragons" is a relentlessly idiotic action-comedy that is best compared to Power Rangers: there's a lot of special effects and colorful scenery, but it's little more than computer-game grapics and some plastic armor on the orcs. To add insult, the movie has nothing to do with the game. Alright, I take that back: there are a few things. There's a tiny, meaningless cameo of a beholder; and a hold spell is mentioned (though it's performed with rope); even the kingdom of Izmer looks like something an amateur DM threw together. But all the nostalgia in the world won't prepare you for the "heroes": a young queen (Birch) who ambles about spouting populist nonsense ("I do declare that you now all equal!"); a pair of young enterprising thieves, Ripley (Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans), whose lingo and body language mark them as refugees from "Scary Movie"; an oddly mangy and gangly dwarf, whose function is to a) run around waving an axe and b) to furrow his brows disapprovingly; Marina (McClellan), who knows about three spells and, I guess, is supposed to be the love interest for one of the thieves (not Wayans); and, lastly, Norda the elfin seeker, who appears to have been shoe-horned into the movie. This sorry bunch has to travel to a distant ruin to recover the Wand of Red Dragon Control for reasons unknown to the viewer (the charaters teleport INTO a scroll, and reappear with their mission explained to them). Two questions inevitably arise: who lights the torches in the Antius Maze if no one's ever gotten through? and, more interestingly, how did Profion sneak that first dragon into the castle? In addition, the movie is infinitely quotable: "I've never seen a scroll so hard to decode! It's very ancient!" (just like a sage to say that) "You've gotta believe it, they're framing us." (a bit too modern, no?) and, perhaps the best, "Do not let them escape or you will suffer a fate far worse than that which has been inflicted upon me!" (try yelling that in one breath!). One scene is especially memorable: Ripley is surrounded by Damodar's troops, and decides to hold the scroll hostage by setting it on fire: "Clear the way and I'll put it out." The scroll catches fire - but doesn't burn. Oh, alright, one last one: as Ripley and Co. leave the elfin lands, two masked natives speak in gibberish in the movie's one scene with subtitles. "Does he know of his untapped potential?" one blurbles. "He soon will," replies another.
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16 of 18 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Dung and a drag., March 29, 2006
OK, first things first true believers - The Curmudgeon is NOT a D&D fan. I've nothing against it or anything (I don't think it's nerdy or whatever), it's just never been my bag. But I was VERY excited when I saw this movie was being released. Why?
Simple - the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, which was by far the coolest cartoon of the 1980's. It smoked He-Man, Thundercats and any other contender and became one of THE best experiences of childhood. So while a movie based on the board game would have been cool, I was secretly hoping for a movie based on the cartoon. Come on - Hank and his flaming bow and arrow? Sarcastic Eric and his shield (you'd think the Dungeon Master would have thrown a SWORD in there too?), Bobby the Barbarian.. and let's not forget the uber bad-ass - Vengar himself. Let's face it folks - done right, it would have been AWESOME.
But we didn't get that - we got, well.. who knows? The plot is so incoherent and amateurish it could have been based on a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo's. And whilst great acting is never the prime goal in these sorts of movies, special mention MUST go to the utter lack of any conviction the actors here have in their performances, coming across as just stepping out of a Snow White pantomime.
And then there's Jeremy Irons. Bit of a superb actor is our Jeremy, and I'm sure he thought at first he had signed up to a classy fantasy movie, thinking perhaps of Sir Alec Guiness in Star Wars. Then he read the script and saw the talentless monkeys he was working with and went full out into giving the worst performance of his entire career, not so much saying his lines as yelling them and spitting at the camera in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. Easily the best thing of the movie.
The producers obviously thought it was going to do well judging by its laughably hopeful ambiguous ending. Not a chance in hell, guys. You had your chance and you blew it with this dragon turd of a film.
Stick with the boxset of the cartoon, and see how fantasy really SHOULD be presented.
The_Curmudgeon_Hates_You@yahoo.co.uk
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