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43 of 49 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Do Sharks Dream?, July 6, 2003
I am in my early thirties, which, by almost anyone's definition still classifies me as relatively young. I am old enough, however, that I have watched more than my fair share of grade Z ubercheesy movies. During my late night television excursions in the 1980s, I vividly remember watching the sort of films that could cause serious brain damage to even the most stalwart soul, films loaded with monosyllabic actors, scripts written on clay tablets, and special effects that were neither special nor effective. I thought I saw it all during those halcyon days of youth, until I discovered the wonders of "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon." You have not lived until you witness the spectacular beauty, the overwhelming sense of metaphysical ecstasy, the sheer jaw dropping brilliance of "Shark Attack 3." In fact, don't even finish reading this review. You are wasting valuable time better spent tracking down a copy of this inspiring objet d'art. Believe me when I tell you that this film will not stay on store shelves for long. I felt from the beginning that I was in the presence of greatness with this movie, and every minute that went by only confirmed this initial impression.The story of "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" is deceptively simple, but even a doctor of philosophy probably could not discern the higher planes of thought contained in this movie. A resort in Mexico faces danger from the reemergence of the prehistoric Megalodon shark, who swims up from the Challenger Trench to attack an underground cable set up by the evil Apex Corporation. The only hope for humanity rests with the actions of Ben, an employee of the resort, and Cat, a paleontologist who arrives in Mexico to hunt down the shark. The film is necessarily gory, as the shark attacks anyone in the water and even attacks boats with seeming indifference. Just when we think the shark's defeat is imminent, a surprise visitor shows up to wreak further havoc on the human race. See, it sounds simple, doesn't it? I will admit my credentials leave me woefully inadequate to properly analyze "Shark Attack 3," but I firmly believe the answer lies in the Challenger Trench where the Megalodon lives. The trench is obviously a metaphor for a Nietzschean abyss, and when man stares deeply into the crevasse the abyss stares back by disgorging the prehistoric shark. Ben represents the superman, as you will see when this seemingly mild mannered individual rises over all other humans on the planet to combat the ancient evil of the Megalodon. Ben accomplishes feats no other person could hope to achieve. The boats he sails on move even when they look like they are standing still, and a ship with the hull in tatters from an assault by the shark fails to sink when Ben appears on the scene. Only a superman will lead the human race, and Ben is that superman. If you think Crispin Glover is the end all be all of the performing arts, you will appreciate the genius of John Barrowman, the actor who plays the Ben role. Both actors share the sublime visions that make a film like "Shark Attack 3" possible even though Glover unfortunately never appears in the movie. I quickly realized you don't need to worry about watching the two previous films that constitute the rest of this series. Oh no, "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" stands alone, proudly eschewing such banalities as an engaging script, decent special effects, talented actors, and lush cinematography. The director, crew, and cast of "Shark Attack 3" roared their derision at the mere idea of such conventional cinematic structures. These brave pioneers, these trailblazers of the celluloid frontier used stock footage of divers and sharks for half of the total running time of the film. Sure, the actors laughed for no reason during many of the scenes, but you would not contain your glee either if you starred in this straight to video magnum opus. I also noticed how many times the male actors gave each other high fives during the course of the story, which makes perfect sense when you realize that these Shakespearean thespians are merely expressing the elation they feel about such career making roles. This cast is going places, folks. After delivering groundbreaking performances in this movie, they will take the world of industrial training films by storm. Special mention goes to the two gentlemen driving the boat with the parasailer in tow. The performance these two budding Brandos turn in evokes hints of a higher evolutionary form of mankind, a state the rest of us may reach in 10,000 years or so. It should go without saying that I have neither the ability nor the space to convey the full implications of the old tar that accompanies Ben on his quest to defeat the abyss-creature. Just watch for the line, "I have a spare. It's the Navy way," and you'll understand my dilemma. I suspect plans are underway to recruit additional Slavic actors in order to create a "Shark Attack 4," and I seriously believe that another film in this series will sweep away the old epistemologies and usher in a superior consciousness amongst the human race. In the meantime, we all have our hands full just trying to decipher the intricacies of "Shark Attack 3." I give this wonderfully vibrant cinematic venture one star, but not for obvious reasons. The one star is actually a judgment about me, a viewer who failed to grasp the inner configurations of this fascinating philosophical jaunt.
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