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58 of 64 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
A big fat turkey, August 4, 2003
It would be difficult to find a movie more loathsomely, hilariously bad than "Gigli." Despite the tabloid buzz about its two photogenic yet stiff stars, interest in Gigli was generally restricted to the repulsed excitement of watching a train zooming toward a stalled car.Gigli (Ben Affleck) is a minor-league thug without much in the way of brains or talent. He's ordered to kidnap and imprison the mentally-challenged brother of a federal prosecutor, and he does so. After he's stashed Brian (Justin Bartha), in his apartment, Gigli gets a shock: His boss has sent Ricki, a hitwoman (Jennifer Lopez) to keep an eye on him. Lacking a brain, Gigli immediately begins pursuing Ricky, only to be semi-rebuffed by the announcement that she's a lesbian. Of course, he doesn't give up, and eventually despite her disgust for the male anatomy, Ricki starts to reciprocate his attraction. But things go haywire again when Gigli's boss decides to play nasty. Given the number of plot holes, "Gigli" should not be compared to Swiss cheese -- it should be compared with a fishing net in the advanced stages of decay. Through most of the film, it seems like the director just started direction, then walked off the set and said, "Seeya! I'm sure you know what to do next." "Gigli" doesn't know whether it wants to be a crime movie, a drama, a romance, or a black comedy. So it tries to be everything, and accomplishes nothing. Needless gore, stupid plot twists (Gigli sawing off a corpse's thumb with a plastic utensil?), and completely unfunny material (the lesbian lover slashing her wrists) deprive this of all humor. But it might have struggled its way to mediocrity, if it weren't for the ghastly dialogue. (And that horrific shot of Mrs. Gigli's butt) I can only conclude that whoever wrote this movie was either on crack, or possesses a level of ineptitude on par with the title character's. "Gigli" contains some of the worst dialogue ever, including the insane "bull and cow" discussion, Lopez's bizarre "turkey time, gobble gobble" seduction, and the hideously embarrassing and frighteningly written argument about the pros and cons of male and female genitalia. It'll make you laugh or cry, or both.
Affleck clearly has no idea what he's doing, and so wings it with an over-the-top, drawling imitation of Tony Soprano. Yet somehow he doesn't go over-the-top enough to make fun of himself (now THAT would be funny). Jennifer Lopez, with her perfect makeup, provocative yoga and baby voice, can't make her character even halfway convincing. You can't believe she's a thug, a lesbian, or that she could gouge someone's eyes out. Bartha might be good if he weren't retreading "Rain Man." Cameos by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino can't save the story, although they are briefly entertaining to watch, being the only actors of worth that we get to see. There are one or two moments of actual humor in "Gigli," such as the moment where the all-but-illiterate Gigli reads the tabasco sauce bottle. But a few flickering moments can't even begin to save the horrendous turkey that is "Gigli." Gobble gobble.
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15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
My synopsis, to save you money! (SPOILERS, like you care), January 11, 2005
At a laundromat, toughguy Ben Affleck (lol) has a man in a dryer. He talks to his victim (not the audience), rattling off threats regarding shoelaces and body moisture, threats that exist only in the world of hack writing. The man owes some money to Ben's boss, Louis. Ben says "f**k" a lot, so he's tough. Ben then meets with Louis. Louis chews out Ben. Louis says "f**k" a lot, so he's tough. Louis wants Ben to kidnap Brian, the younger brother of a man causing bossman Mr. Starkman trouble. Brian is a "beloved relative with certain psychological defects"; no, he's not the screenwriter.
Ben heads out to the institution. Apparently, security there is non-existent as Ben walks right in and begins conversing with Brian (Justin Bartha). Brian is apprehensive, as if he were going to a Ben Affleck movie. Brian says "f**k", so he's tough. Naturally, Ben has no trouble leaving with Brian as he heads to his apartment (great place to bring a kidnap victim). Brian wants to go home. I wonder if they'll put aside their animosity and eventually develop a true friendship?
Later on, JLO (who says f**k, so she's tough) visits, asking to use Ben's phone. They stare, then Ben asks her "Do we know each other?" Clever!?! JLO turns to Brian and says "you're a very handsome young man" Apparently, JLO is lining him up to be her ninth husband or whatever number she's up to now. JLO tells Ben, "I heard you were a f**kup". She must've seen `Pearl Harbor'.
Louis calls Ben, telling him he hired JLO because of the operation's importance. Why have Ben there in the first place, I dunno. JLO and Ben argue, then Ben says something which isn't quite a killer put-down:
"...sit at my f**king feet. Gather the pearls that emanate forth from me" ?!?
This movie is real deep. Brian twice tells Ben he's an idiot.
We discover that Brian likes to be read to before sleeping(Read him the script!). Unsurprisingly, Ben doesn't own books. Later, JLO reads a book. Ben finds out she's a lesbian. And that's about it for that scene.
Morning comes and Brian calls a number in Australia that gives weather reports, `Cause Brian is so innocent, and he doesn't know the call is expensive! Comedy! A detective stops by (Christopher Walken, proving he will appear in ABSOLUTELY ANY MOVIE!). Walken is suspicious of Ben. Before leaving, he proves that, like Ben, he's a master of verbal jabs:
"go down to Marie Callender's, get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it, mmmm good. Put some on your head your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it. Interested?"
The trio drive (let's drive our kidnapee around in our convertible) to a restaurant (let's bring our kidnapee to a public place) where punks are playing loud music. Ben demands they lower it (let's loudly bring attention to ourselves). The gang threatens to beat him (if only!). JLO steps forward and makes another forced speech about how she's tough. Suspend disbelief, `cause the SEVEN punks fearfully back off, instead of wasting Bennifer.
Ben goes to his mom's house. She gives him a slap, meant to elicit laughs but really elicits envy. Brian volunteers he has to pee. I have to vomit.
At Ben's apartment, Ben catches Brian calling Australia again. Brian states he likes the weathergirl's voice, maybe `cause she has a POINT! Ben pesters JLO, who's doing yoga. For five minutes, Ben and JLO describe private parts. Comedy!?! Louis calls but Brian picks up; They argue `comically'. Louis orders Ben to mail Brian's thumb; Ben reluctantly agrees. Given the films Ben stars in, I figured he'd agree to anything.
The next morning Brian's dancing and rapping. Comedy!?! A woman knocks; Ben lets her in. She says, "f**k", so she must be tough. It turns out she's JLO's ex (who isn't?) and wants her back. Everybody argues. What is this movie about, again? The ex-lover runs into the kitchen and cuts her wrists, presumably because she'll never again be taken seriously as an actress. They rush her to the hospital to get bandaged and that's the last we see of her. Too bad, I thought she had some kind of PURPOSE.
Ben and JLO decide to get a thumb from a corpse in the morgue, apparently not realizing thumbs get fingerprinted. JLO asks Ben, "Are you with me?". Ben says, "sure", beginning a debate about how "sure" is the same thing as "yes"; an argument some concussed 3-year-olds might have. Ben sneaks into the morgue with no problem. Ben obtains a corpse's thumb with a plastic knife (?). Brian raps again. Comedy!?!
The next day, Ben gets all teary-eyed, babbling about how he feels about JLO. In Ben's apartment, JLO makes a `funny' speech about how men check their fingernails. Mine are currently embedded into my skull. Louie calls and wants a meeting. Our two stars get it on in a PG-13 way. JLO's character likes women, but she couldn't resist girly Ben's charm.
Louis tells them Starkman wants a meeting. At Starkman's impressive home, we are puzzled to see Al Pacino in this turkey. Somewhat unshockingly, police fingerprinted the thumb. Pacino shoots Louie. Finally, something actually happened in this film. Pacino shouts, "I have no compunctions!", which is obvious; he's in this film. We now hope Pacino splatters Ben's and Jen's brains but JLO makes another pathetically forced speech, saving them.
Our leads drive down the coast with Brian; Ben bonds with him in more insightful exchanges that I leave to your imagination. Brian thinks he sees "the Baywatch" and they eventually drop him off there. I guess Brian will be fine wandering a beach by himself. JLO drives away only to come back and pickup Ben; why, I dunno.
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20 of 24 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Gigli? Gee..., October 4, 2003
This film, which is currently in the # 1 spot on the Internet Movie Database's "100 Worst Films" list, will be a smash on the video and DVD rental market. At least that's my prediction. Allow me to explain.It's no secret that Gigli tanked at the box office and of the 27 people who went to see it, 26 walked out of one of the worst movie-going experiences of their lives while the remaining one was taken to a sanitarium afterwards for laughing uncontrollably at J-Lo's bizarre speech about a female body part. So, we all know it's bad, right? Even those of us who haven't seen it know it's bad. And THAT'S why I think it will do well on video and DVD. I think that Gigli (like Glitter, Showgirls, Plan 9, etc.) will eventually become a movie that's known as "so-bad-it's-good." Everyone will want to see just how horrible this thing is and what the fuss is all about and in doing so will have a great time pointing out what exactly went wrong with the project, who should be shot for being involved with it, etc, etc, etc... So, is Gigli worth seeing? Sure. At least it's a charming abomination. And I'd rather sit through two hours of this train wreck than endure two hours of the Fast and the Furious and it's sequel. So, check Gigli out. P.S. - If Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Martin Brest do a commentary for this film, it will be worth buying. Affleck isn't afraid to rag on his own movies and he'll have a field day with this one.
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