Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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23 of 29 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Worst. Remake. Ever., January 5, 2007
Surely no one sets out to make a bad movie. But in the case of the Black Christmas remake, it's hard to imagine writer/director Glen Morgan honestly thinking that this was the best he could do. The orginal Black Christmas is a classic, a forerunner to the modern slasher movie - stylish and eery and unsettling. But most importantly, simple and straight foward. A slasher and a murder mystery, deftly directed by Bob Clark. The remake (WHY!?) is, to be blunt, absolutely dreadful. From the first frame to the pitiful end, Black Christmas (2006) puts its viewer through the ringer, from the absurd and outlandish to the just plain dull and stupid. Giving the killer an elaborate (and ridiculous) backstory is beside the point, meaningless, mere filler. We get lame attempts at humor and gross out moments that are bad camp. The inclusion of Billy's sister, Agnes, is so out-of-left-field that it feels like Morgan was simply trying to throw in a few extra kills and pad out the movie's already spare running time. The movie isn't even 90 minutes, but you feel every second, particularly with the completely unnecessary hospital finale dragging things out to an asinine, but blessed close. Fans of the original Black Christmas should feel insulted. Horror fans should feel taken advantage of. The human race as a whole should shudder knowing this slag of trash came from one of its own. We can only hope this movie will end the careers of all involved.
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8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Ho, Ho, Horrible, February 5, 2007
NOTE: THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS THINGS THAT ARE NORMALLY CALLED "SPOILERS." HOWEVER, THE WORD "SPOILERS" INSINUATES THAT SOMETHING IS FRESH OR NEW TO BEGIN WITH. SINCE THIS MOVIE IS NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS, LET'S JUST SAY THAT THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS "RE-SPOILERS."
If there's one thing wrong with "Black Christmas" (and, trust me, there's a lot more than one), it's that it hardly feels like a movie at all. The movie is as hollow as a shiny, Christmas tree ball, all shiny gleaming glass with absolutely nothing underneath.
We have the requisites for some mindless horror here: a sorority house full of girls, a road-blocking blizzard, and an escaped mental patient, but, amazingly, this trite little flick fails to do anything even remotely interesting, creative, or suspenseful with these paint-by-numbers elements. Instead, what we are given is a rushed, uninspired mess, something that plays out like the bare outline of a horror movie script. I felt like I was watching a treatment of a film idea, and not the actual movie itself.
For instance, character development is virtually nonexistent (according to this movie, not only are sorority girls indistinguishable from each other, but they are also all very crabby and self-centered). This makes it much harder (much, much, so much harder) to care when they are hastily and unceremoniously dispatched by the Killer On The Loose. The murders themselves never come as a surprise; the movie takes great pains to let you know what's coming. It's okay for a horror film to be mindless (by all means), but not if it is also lazy and predictable.
This movie is both. It is barely seventy minutes long, but each second scrapes by, relying on token effects (eerie Santa decorations, blood red Christmas lights, lethal Christmas presents) to convey a mood and urgency that the script itself can't be bothered to provide. Likewise, the heavy lifting of the plot (near misses, motives, and twists) is handled laughably with an improbable story and the eye-rolling inconsistencies.
For example, a normally easy fear-builder -- the Call From Inside The House -- is so overdone with vocal effects that you'll be wondering less about the fate of the characters and more about how the killer manages to make himself sound like five different people ... at the same time ... while adding in spooky static hisses and screams ... without alerting anyone to his presence inside the house. Perhaps he is a demon, calling from another dimension? No, I'm sorry, he is not. That would've been too interesting. Another question: what kind of EMT bags a person who is not dead? You'll find out! Are icicles heavy enough to fall straight through a person's skull from a ten foot drop? Sure! Some of them!
So, what is this movie then? It's quite simple. It's an excuse to watch the dull and dumb deaths of roughly a dozen people, most of them young, trash-talking bimbos. If you want suspense, atmosphere, uncertainty or even just creative gore, you are looking in the wrong place. If you want goofy exposition, fifth grade dialogue, and an ending that will make you scream, "Finish already!" and "What? That's it?" at almost the exact same time, then this movie is your cup of eggnog.
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6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
I would have given it zero stars...., May 6, 2007
I would have given this movie zero stars but you have to rate it. This remake is an absolute insult to a classic horror film. Come to think of it, it's and insult to horror movies. Where to start....I wont. I wont waste your time like this movie wasted mine.
To sum it up, I'd rather sit through a 24 hour marathon of Richard Gere romance movies than spend 30 seconds watching any of this junk.
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