The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self (Paperback)

by Harriet Lerner (Author) "Fear stops me from doing so many things," a neighbor confided when I mentioned the subject of this book..." (more)
Key Phrases: anxious workplace, anxious system, shaming messages, The Fear of the Mirror, The Secret Power of Shame, New York (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
"No one is immune to the grip of anxiety, fear and shame—the ‘big three’ that muck up our lives," observes Lerner (The Dance of Deception; The Dance of Anger). But such emotions shouldn’t be crippling, she says. Instead, the psychologist and relationship expert suggests studying the pros and cons of these inevitable feelings. For example, anxiety over hurting a friend’s feelings can keep us from bluntly offering unsolicited advice, or, at the other extreme, keep us from speaking up about something we feel passionate about. In conversational and often witty prose, amply dotted with personal anecdotes, Lerner advises readers how to achieve a balance between healthy and life-consuming fears over rejection, public speaking, body image and physical suffering, among others. In a chapter devoted entirely to "Your Anxious Workplace," the author shares her pain on discovering that her co-workers considered her a "problem"—her personnel file was fat with complaints about her attitude toward paperwork and tense relationship with other psychologists. Breaking down the office "system," she realized that she was an "underfunctioning" part, adding stress and creating opportunities for "overfunctioning" staff to both save and resent her. To confront fears, Lerner suggests stepping back and taking responsibility, thoughtfully considering the issue and engaging rather than disconnecting with the surrounding world. Readers looking for a "quick fix" will not find it here (Lerner purposely sidesteps any oversimplified solutions to conquering fear); rather, they will find a mindful and highly readable meditation.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review
"With characteristic intimacy, Lerner encourages a dialog ... filling the book with superb insights.... " -- Library Journal

Conversational and often witty …. A mindful and highly readable meditation. -- Publishers Weekly --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Harper Paperbacks (May 3, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060081589
• ISBN-13: 978-0060081584
• Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.3 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars See all reviews (27 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #32,399 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

82 of 84 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Good, Practical Guidance, August 2, 2004

By	Kat Bakhu (Albuquerque, NM United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving (Hardcover)

I purchased this book because I had the misguided hope that it contained some secret antidote to all the fear I had in my life. Something about the subtitle-- Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame that Keep Us from Optimal Living--led me to that conclusion. The author dissuaded me from this hope, however, in the introduction. She wrote that she had little respect for the plethora of self-improvement books that made great promises about transcending all fears. We were not going to accomplish anything as dramatic as that in this book, she informed me.

So, was I disappointed that I bought the book? No. I read it from cover to cover and thoroughly enjoyed it. Did I get any help from it? Yes, I did. Through the numerous, real-world, realistic examples of people dealing with a fear, anxiety or shame and making a step forward, I acquired an understanding that there are actions one can take that will help one to open up and move to a richer, better life. I was able to look at my own bogeymen more directly in the eye and see that there were some not too scary things I could do to get my fears and anxieties to ease their grip a little.

The thing that I liked most about this book is the author's conclusion that, no matter how far you go or advanced you get, there are still going to be moments in your life where you are just going to freak out. We all do. We always will. Somehow knowing that fear is just a part of the process of life, and always will be, makes it easier to deal with.

73 of 76 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Commonsense meets inspiration and wisdom, June 14, 2004

By	Dr Cathy Goodwin (Seattle, WA USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling The Anxiety, Fear and Shame That Keep us From Optimal Living and Loving (Audio CD)

If I had to pick one word to describe this book, I'd say "wise." Lerner avoids two traps of therapist-authors: She doesn't rely on theory and jargon and she doesn't jettison her education to serve up easy-to-swallow formulas. She's not afraid to talk tough and to season her wisdom with humor.

I love her opening. Cats live in the moment, she says, and goes on to compare the relative advantages of being a cat versus being a human. But then, she concludes, it doesn't matter: if you're reading this book, it's safe to say you're not a cat.

And unlike many authors, Lerner offers a balance between relationship and work stresses. She describes a powerful but controversial intervention she designed for a young man who feared social rejection. While she reminds us she took into account the young man's non-threatening persona, I'm still amazed he didn't get arrested. The point, however, is well-taken. Action, not insight, creates change.

I especially appreciate Lerner's advice: "Be able to live without your job." She's right: being free to walk allows you to speak up for your values. And although she doesn't make this point, I've found that when we're free to leave, we usually end up neither having to leave nor wanting to go.

And, adds Lerner, remember that the workplace is not your family. Organizations exist to ensure their own economic vitality -- i.e, their own survival. "Your work family may treat you in such an insensitive and uncaring manner that it will take your breath away." SO true.

Dealing with emotion, Lerner is more realistic than most authors. Recognizing unhappiness requires courage, yet unhappiness itself can help us become brave enough to make changes. Anger and suffering can become part of who we are, so letting go leads to a feeling of homesickness.

All in all, a superb addition to the self-help shelf. Recommended to all.

17 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Wise Woman Speaks Again, May 21, 2004

By	Luise R Eichenbaum (New York, N.Y.) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling The Anxiety, Fear and Shame That Keep us From Optimal Living and Loving (Audio CD)

Once again Dr. Harriet Lerner has taken complex psychological dynamics and made them thoroughly comprehensible for the general public. This time Dr. Lerner has tackled fear, anxiety and shame and through numerous examples - both personal and anecdotal of other's experiences - has enabled the reader to feel understood, not pathologized but 'simply human'. Always a pleasure to read, Dr. Lerner brings the wisdom and honesty of a seasoned practitioner translating human emotional life into something at once accessible and instructive. I loved her blend of eastern mindfulness with western psychotherapy techniques.
As a psychotherapist for nearly 30 years I have heard countless stories of people suffering from shame,anxiety and, increasingly over the last few years, of fear/terror. I will recommend this book to many people, including other colleagues who I'm sure will find it comfoting, inspiring and enormously useful.