The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love (Paperback)

by Pia Mellody (Author), Lawrence S. Freundlich (Author) "Those of us in twelve-step recovery learn that the most pernicious effect of our addictions and the psychic disorders that come along with them is..." (more)
Key Phrases: listening boundary, external physical boundary, adult wounded child (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
A certified addiction counselor and registered nurse, Mellody (Facing Codependence), writing with the assistance of Freundlich (president of Freundlich Communications), offers a self-help guide based on the role of spirituality in intimate relationships. As a recovering alcoholic, Mellody experienced a profound love coming to her from God; this supportive love led her to develop the fairly complex program that she currently uses while counseling clients. The author believes that many children are traumatized by parents who either shame (disempower) their children or force them into a parental role (falsely empower). Labeling both actions as abusive, Mellody provides examples of how children treated this way can recover and function more happily in the adult world. She details here how to erect healthy physical, emotional and intellectual boundaries that will foster rather than hamper intimacy and boost self-esteem. For example, she advises that affectionate approaches require controlled containment, e.g., when deciding to engage others in sexual intimacy, it is necessary to respect their physical boundaries by asking permission. In order to really communicate, people in close relationships should maintain other boundaries such as refraining from giving unasked-for advice, accusing or making judgments. Appended is an example of a "feeling reduction" workshop conducted at a residential treatment center where Mellody practices. According to the author, these workshops are central to overcoming trauma and abuse. Devotees of Mellody's earlier books will be the most interested in this latest offering.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review
A splendid example of her pioneering and cutting edge work. . . . This book can change your life. -- --John Bradshaw, author of the #1 New York Times bestellers Homecoming and Creating Love

With vast experience and insight, Pia Mellody continues to bring to her reader an empowering experience. -- --Claudia Black, Ph.D. author of It Will Never Happen To Me --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 240 pages
• Publisher: HarperOne (May 25, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060095806
• ISBN-13: 978-0060095802
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.9 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #6,569 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

  Popular in these categories: (What's this?)

  #47 in	Books > Health, Mind & Body > Relationships > Marriage
  #80 in	Books > Health, Mind & Body > Relationships > Interpersonal Relations

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

70 of 80 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Good boundary work; quit it with the AA stuff!, September 16, 2003

By	Amazonbombshell (Milwaukie, OR, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love (Hardcover)

Pia Mellody notes in the beginning of THE INTIMACY FACTOR that her deepest reason for writing the book was "to acknowledge the role of spirituality in intimate relationships." This is in itself is a worthy goal; spirituality (general, not within a specfic religious framework) as specifically applied to relationships is not addressed often enough, and it's a frequently forgotten part of too many partnerships. Mellody writes that true sprituality is the realization that God is Love and we can trust in that Love. That love is what restores to us the truth of our own inherent worth, thereby enabling us to have truly intimate relationships with other human beings.

Following an initial discussion along these lines, Mellody spends most of the rest of the book describing the concept of boundaries -- the "psychological passages" through which we both express our truth and recieve the emotions and words of others. She explains how functional boundaries lead to a spiritual relationship with God and good relationships with people, and the various ways in which dysfunctional boundaries can impair relationships. She also talks about how "boundary work" therapy helps to restore boundaries to healthy function.

Mellody's descriptions of boundaries are both interesting and very useful -- you can really see where how your own boundaries are functioning (or not) and what you can do to improve them. However, she ascribes all boundary dysfunction to myriad possible forms of abuse in childhood (often more subtle than your stereotypical drunken and physcially abusive parent.) While this is interesting and helpful as well, I think it is a stretch to say that ALL relationship problems stem from childhood abuse. Does everyone have abusive parents? And what about adults who had abusive parents but have been able to transcend that upbringing without therapy and become functional people in healthy relationships? Mellody makes it sound as if there are no exceptions: everyone with childhood trauma is messed up unless she gets therapy, and practically no one is without such past trauma (since many, many people have relationship problems.)

Another thing that bothers me about the book is the constant referencing to AA. I realize the author is a recovering alcoholic, and that alcoholism can deal serious blows to a relationship, but that's not what this book is about. It should be confined to one of two examples, not splashed all over the text. By the end of the book, I was getting really tired of the serenity prayer. It may be good, but it's cliched in the first place, and refering to it several times in 200 pages is not helping matters at all.

Also, though the author gives many helpful examples of how to have healhty discussions about relationship issues, PLEASE don't use her wording! It's stilted and totally unnatural; if you used it on your partner, he or she would wonder what was wrong with you. Use the ideas; forget the format!

I don't mean to imply that this book is completely faulty; it's actually very enjoyable and informative. The subtitle really ought to have something about boundaries in it though, because this is where the author really shines.

29 of 31 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book for Co-Dependents, December 18, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love (Hardcover)

I've read all of Pia's books. They are all great, especially the first one (Facing CoDependence) and this one. The first book explains the symptums and the mechanics of how and why. This book drills into details of the key concepts from the first book. It touches the how and why briefly, but focuses on the real life examples of dysfunctional behaviors and contrasting it to functional behaviors. This book really manifests the concepts in the first book into practices and guidelines.

This book turns out to be a great handbook even for parenting skills.

I also attended a few CoDA meetings. Those meetings are good, but Pia's books helped me much more.

I highly recommend Pia's books, I also recommend reading them in the order of published dates.

29 of 31 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Really helpful book!, October 11, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love (Hardcover)

This book explains how we develop insecurities and feelings of inferiority that makes us develop codependent relationships. The author uses many examples from her own experiences as well as those of many other people to vividly illustrate the connections between our past life experiences, our present insecurities and inferiorities, and how we feel and behave in our present relationships. It is an excellent book that allows us to open our eyes and see inside ourselves! I would recommend it to anyone who feels like their life (not just their relationships) can be happier than what it is now. Another more comprehensive book that allows us to apply these messages to a wider variety of things is "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato. It is absolutely one of the best in the business! Sato's book makes it so easy to understand our development, our personality, and our relationships. I would highly recommend both of these books!