We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce (Hardcover)

~ Constance Ahrons (Author) "It was a sunny, unseasonably warm Sunday morning in October..." (more)
Key Phrases: devitalized marriages, predivorce family, joint custody legislation (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In 1979, sociologist Ahrons randomly selected 98 pairs of divorced parents in Wisconsin for a five-year study. As she reported in 1994's The Good Divorce, while everyone handles the divorce process differently, "divorce doesn't destroy families," even if it rearranges and expands them to embrace new members. This reassuring viewpoint has been attacked by researchers like Judith Wallerstein, who argue that divorce's damage may not appear for a decade or more, when ACODs (adult children of divorce) struggle unsuccessfully to bond with partners. In response, Ahrons went back to her original research panel to learn how their children fared. Her team managed to interview an astounding 90% of the original cohort's children. Approximately three-fourths of these 173 "children" (now 30-somethings) thought their parents' divorces were a good idea, and that parents and children were better off than if they'd stayed together. Their comments on what made a difference to them when their parents were divorcing are instructive. Kids are very tuned into-and upset by-parental warfare, so "how parents relate to each other" is key. Parents battle over joint custody schedules, oblivious to how stressful the transitioning between parents can be. Ahrons reminds parents it's not the quantity of time they spend with their child, but the quality of relationship they establish: reliability, consistency and genuine interest in their lives are what matter most to children. More prescriptive than descriptive, Ahrons's supportive guidebook should aid anyone trying to make a "good divorce" better.
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Review

"A more nuanced picture of divorce, one that defies sound-bite conclusions.... Constance Ahrons is generous, wise and pragmatic." -- San Francisco Chronicle

"An astounding accomplishment! Filled with insights and advice....If you want the best for your children, read this book." -- Richard A. Warshak, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology, University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, and author of Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex

"Insightful, wise and honest, this longitudinal study is an important addition to our understanding the family after divorce." -- Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Father and Child Reunion and Why Men Are the Way They Are

"Required reading for those contemplating or recently or long-divorced; adult children; clergy, mental health practitioners, teachers and policy-makers." -- Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D. , Editor, Family Process and Director of the Center for Families and Health, Ackerman Institute for the Family

"Solid research by this qualified professional will help put to bed the conclusion that divorce is the demise of family." -- Lansky, author of Divorce Book for Parents and It's Not Your Fault, KoKo Bear

"The voices of grown children are compelling! Filled with practical advice for helping two household families tap into unanticipated strengths." -- Harriet Lerner, author of Fear and Other Uninvited Guests

"With clarity and compassion, Dr. Ahrons presents solid research that gives us answers to the questions plaguing families and clinicians!" -- Lois Braverman, President, American Family Therapy Academy and author of Women, Feminism, and Family Therapy

"With her long-term unbiased research, Ahrons shows that children can grow up secure and loved by both parents." -- Mary Catherine Bateson, author of Full Circles, Overlapping Lives

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: HarperCollins (June 1, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060193050
• ISBN-13: 978-0060193058
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 5.9 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #888,421 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Worth the wait, July 19, 2004

By	Jennifer Corcoran - See all my reviews

This was a great book, well-researched and living proof kids can survive and thrive after divorce! It's great to hear what the kids have to say about things 20 yrs later. Good read before, during and after the divorce. Highly recommended to anyone remotely involved in a divorce--even relatives.

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Resource for Adult Children of Divorce, July 13, 2004

By	Jon Henshaw (Nashville, TN United States) - See all my reviews

For me, the best insights in the book came in the last chapter. Dr. Ahrons posits two questions to her research participants:

1. From your experience growing up in a divorced family, what advice would you give to parents who are divorcing?
2. What advice would you give to other kids whose parents are divorcing?

The answers that follow are tremendously valuable to anyone (including children) who are experiencing, or have experienced, divorce.

I highly recommend this book to parents who are concerned about the impact that their divorce may have on their children, and to adult children of divorce who are struggling to understand how their parents' divorce has impacted their lives.

(Full Review at FamilyResource.com)

5.0 out of 5 stars Straight Talk On Strengthening Binuclear Families, July 11, 2004

By	ethelyn cohen (Scottsdale, AZ. USA) - See all my reviews

Dr. Ahrons offers solid direction in ways to improve binuclear family harmony, yet there is no cookie cutter approach, for her recognition of the unique circumstances that exist from one person or family situation to another is crystal clear. If you wish to feel both informed and optimistic about gaining strength as part of a binuclear family, or you want a deeper understanding of the myths surrounding the lives of families, maybe yours, postdivorce, read this book.

It is fitting that the final chaper is Advise From The Front Lines: How to script a good divorce. Here you can see clearly what her research unveiled giving the 173 adults interviewed, the opportunity to express what does and does not really matter when you are a child living in a divorced family. What advice would you give to parents who are divorcing, what advice would you give to other kids whose parents are divorcing? This illuminating chapter is an opportunity to learn from the kids who have lived it, now with 20 years of experience under their belt.

Dr. Ahrons believes in family. The results from her interviews coupled with the wisdom and experience that her impressive background provide, give me hope for the connectedness possible in binuclear families.

This book is readable, not at all dry, which is an accomplishment when it comes to revealing results from interviews. See for yourselves.