The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (Hardcover)

~ (Author) "There isn't a day that goes by when I don't ask at least one woman caller on my radio program if she expects to stay..." (more)
Key Phrases: female caller, one listener, guy time, Laura Schlessinger

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In her newest book, Schlessinger (10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives) relies upon her experience in private practice, radio and letters she received from men and women in tackling the issue of women who mistreat their men and suffer the consequences of unhappiness. The women who criticize their husbands in the stories that Schlessinger relates are depressed in their marriages and feel little love from their husbands. Unabashedly asserting that man is a "very simple creature," who needs only "direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving'" to respond with devotion, compassion and love, this controversial marriage and family therapist claims that every woman can achieve a deeply satisfying marriage if she adheres to certain fundamentals men require. Preparing dinner, caring for the children without complaint, greeting her husband with a kiss and engaging in sexual intimacy instead of "tearing down a husband's necessary sense of strength and importance" can result in the harmonious marriage women crave. While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

Dr. Laura gets back into the battle of the sexes in this new offering, which will bring Marabel Morgan's Total Woman (1975) to the minds of readers of a certain age. Schlessinger doesn't advise women to greet their husband in saran wrap, as Morgan did, but she does tell women to shape up, literally and figuratively. Women need to understand that men are sensitive creatures who want to protect and cherish their wives. Is it any wonder that marriages go bad when churlish female spouses withdraw their affection, make unreasonable demands, and don't understand the male nature? In point of fact, there is nothing wrong with (or revolutionary about) Schlessinger's core point: be nicer and more nurturing to your spouse, and he will be nicer to you. But she beats her message to death, resorting to wild generalizations; repeating ideas, thoughts, and phrases ad infinitum; and bolstering her arguments with endless examples from callers and fax writers who are all making mistakes until shown the light. Not surprisingly, Dr. Laura promises no similar title for the care and feeding of wives. Apparently there would be no fun in that. Ilene Cooper
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 208 pages
• Publisher: HarperCollins; 1 edition (December 30, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060520612
• ISBN-13: 978-0060520618
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.8 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (154 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #18,529 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

154 of 160 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars STUNNED (in a good way), July 9, 2006

By	J. Shea "jaishea" (Southern California, USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands: What Successful Marriage is Really About (Paperback)

First, let me say that I am a very independent, very headstrong, liberal wife who has a higher education than her husband (masters' degree), owns a business and takes no B.S. from anyone. When this book came out, I truly thought it was a joke. WHO WOULD WRITE A BOOK LIKE THIS OUTSIDE OF THE 1950s?! And WHERE IS THE "PROPER CARE... OF WIVES"?! To add 'insult', a coworker of my husband (whose wife stays at home with their 4 kids because they feel that this is THE role wives are SUPPOSED TO take on), is the one who offered to lend it to me. I thought, "this will be interesting" but can't criticize until giving it a shot, right???

Ok - there's the background - here's the review:

I couldn't put the book down and read it in a just over a day. While I don't agree 100% with all that Dr. Laura says, and as another reviewer commented that there are parts that men may find insulting, this book has changed my life, and as a result it has changed my husband's life - both for the better. After 7 years of marriage, we are clicking like we never have before. I can't explain it to you, or to my married best friends whose jaws dropped as I confessed to them over margaritas that I NOT ONLY READ the book but I LOVED the book.

All I can say is that the foundation makes sense. It doesn't bash working women - Dr. Laura is one, after all. But it does point out, not so discreetly, that your family - the family you have chosen to create - should come above all else. And that the EXTREMISM of some aspects of the feminist movement is self-destructive to women, men and society as a whole.

And as I turned each page and as I tried to rebel against some parts (I shouldn't BURDEN him with the tales of MY day??!), peel away the layers, let down your defenses and let it make sense. (It isn't that my day is less significant, but men and women communicate differently - vent to him about your day and he'll feel like a second class citizen and a failure for not being able to fix your stress. Vent to your girlfriends and they'll dish with you! Focus your time on your husband, family, relationship, etc., once you get home instead.) AND LET ME TELL YA once you leave the work day at the door, your home becomes YOUR HOME again, too. So it's win-win! REALLY!!!

Dr. Laura's book includes parts and pieces of past calls and letters, which is a helpful, practical demonstration of her points and breaks things up so you don't feel like you're getting a lecture (especially if you are ready to admit you've been doing a few thngs wrong!). And as you can see the lightbulb go on with average Janes all over the country and across time in the dialogue- from them pushing back on her advice to (aha!) getting her message during their conversations, you see the pettiness we can cling to and frankly, the underlying simplicity in each of her messages.

OK - still skeptical? Then rent it at the library for free and give it a shot. Just TRY to put her ideas into practice - commit to changing for a week (if you aren't sold on changing your life)... What's the worst that can happen? If it's all wrong for you, you have just lost a quick week and you can pat yourself on the back for being right and you can write your own book. ;-)

But just think - what if it WORKS?! Then you will find a new meaning in your life that you didn't know you were missing. You will have a much happier and rewarding marriage. Your husband will adore you. (Sounds rough, huh?)

TRUST ME - I'm not about to become a submissive, mindless person rather than an equal partner in a relationship. But as I made a few MINOR tweaks in how I treat the man I chose to marry and spend the rest of my life with, I have received rewards from him 10-fold. And to think I thought I was doing it 'right' all along. ;0)

100 of 108 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Down-to-earth marriage manual, May 12, 2005

By	Star "Personal Legend" (Northern California) - See all my reviews

Even though I do not always agree with Dr. Laura, I enjoy listening to her. Mostly, it's because she has very strong beliefs and she stands firmly by them. Too often in our society people are wishy-washy out of desire to be "popular" and inoffensive. I admire her for her strength to stand for what she believes in or take an unpopular point of view. She's an inspiration for all of us to stand by our principles and, above all, to always be honest with ourselves and others.

"The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" is the first and only book by Dr. Laura that I have read. Overall, it is very much like her radio program, except that it is focused solely on what we as women can do to improve and maintain our marriage. Her style is conversational, no-nonsense, and down-to-earth. The advice that she dispenses is common-sense, practical, and time-tested. A large number of actual phone calls and letters make up the bulk of the book, as illustrations for the points that she makes.

The message of the book is that women have real power in marriage, since men, at their core, yearn for acceptance, approval, and appreciation (`the three A's'). Women, therefore, have the power to either make their husbands absolutely happy by giving them these three A's (which in turn makes men more willing to go the extra mile for their wives) or miserable by withholding them (which results in resentment and can ultimately lead to divorce). In this book, Dr. Laura exposes the problem in our society where women have a real need for control in their relationships, which manifests in them withholding affection, needlessly criticizing and otherwise alienating their husbands.

I can personally testify to the validity of advice that she gives. Being a child of a divorce, I struggled with all of these issues early on in my relationship and my marriage. Although I didn't have the benefit of this book at the time, I was lucky enough to be with a man who loved me and cared enough for me to stick around while I worked out all of these issues. He really taught me, through his actions, what "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" is all about - the importance of being unselfish, willing to compromise, and putting the relationship and the other person first. Doing so creates a virtuous cycle which invites the same behavior in the other person, thus bringing both people happiness and fulfillment.

Now being happily married, I believe that I'm already doing most of the things in the book. Still, it was a nice reinforcement of what I've learned through life experience and gave a few valuable pointers in the areas where I still have room for improvement. There were a couple of times while reading this book that I felt it was a bit redundant and lacked structure - mostly due to the author's need to reinforce certain points, as well as her overall conversational style. Despite these rather minor flaws, I still give this book five stars because there is nothing else quite like it out there. I believe that it should be a part of each married woman's library as the only marriage manual that she'll ever need.

463 of 534 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Honoring and Respecting Your Husband is the Key, January 4, 2004

By	Annette Thompson (College Station, Texas) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

Dr Laura's book is sure to be controversial but for wives who are willing to do whatever it takes to make their marriages work, this book has the answers. Dr Laura tells it as it is as she explains a wife holds the keys to making her husband happy and her marriage successful if she will honor and respect her husband and give him attention and affection.

My husband gave me this book last week because he knew I had started reading books on how to be a better wife and I was already a fan of Dr Laura's books. I imagine that if a wife was a feminist or not ready to make sacrifices for her husband then giving her this book would not help. I recently gave up my business to concentrate on my family and was primed for what this book had to teach.

Men who read this will likely get their feelings validated. Some might possibly be insulted though by Dr Laura's assertion, "Men are borne of women and spend the rest of their lives yearning for a woman's acceptance and approval...men admittedly are putty in the hands of a woman they love. Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food and good lovin', and he'll do just about anything you wish...You basic male is a decent creature with simple desires: to be his wife's hero, to be his wife's dream lover, to be the protector and provider for his family, to be respected, admired and apprecaited. Men live to make their women happy.

Though Dr Laura is Jewish, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" makes many the same points as conservative Christian marriage books such as "Liberated Through Submission", "Finding the Hero in Your Husband", "Joy of a Promise Kept", "His Needs, Her Needs" and the secular book "The Surrendered Wife".

The body of book is about 1/3 quotes from radio conversations with listeners and emails that Dr Laura has gotten. The heartfelt quotes from husbands drive home the points made. Dr Laura teaches that a good wife with her actions makes her husband the #1 priority in her life, clearly before both her job, parents, friends and even children. She tells women not to nag or mother this husbands because "If a man can't find peace in his own home, where he should be able to feel relaxed, accepted, loved, and content, he beings to hate coming home"

Dr Laura teaches that feminism has lied in claiming "men will oppress; they are the enemy; do not submit; terminate or donate." She condems the feminist movement "which supports personal success, acquisition, accomplishment amd power...over love, marriage and family."

I've read several criticisms of Dr Laura's position that it is a wife needs to meet her husband's sexual needs even when she's not in the mood. Dr Laura compares it to how irresponsible it would be for a husband to not go to work just because he's too tired or doesn't feel like it. If a wife still doesn't understand the reason behind her obligation, there are other books that cover this issue more thoroughly such as "Understanding the Purpose and Power of a Woman", "Making Sense Of The Men In Your Life" and "Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage".

This is not a book for wives whose husbands are abusive but if you have a decent, hardworking husband husband and are willing to be unselfish and honor your marriage vows, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" will motivate you to be a great wife.