The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (Paperback)

~ (Author) "Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to..." (more)
Key Phrases: underfunctioning position, blaming position, pursuit cycle (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review

'A careful and compassionate exploration of women's anger.' SUSIE ORBACH 'An inspirational book.' RELATE NEWS 'Provides a whole new way of looking at your problems. A good investment.' Amaxon reader, 2001 --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"Of all the books that have been written about the personal relationships of women and what to do about them, this is the most sound. Like a family heirloom, it can be passed from generation to generation as it is based on profound and lasting truths." (Peggy Papp, M.S.W., The Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy ) --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Harper Paperbacks (1997)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 006091565X
• ISBN-13: 978-0060915650
• Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.3 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (110 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #50,755 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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  #49 in	Books > Parenting & Families > Parenting > Emotions & Feelings

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

202 of 205 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars What is my anger telling me?, July 15, 2001

By	Marcy L. Thompson (Sammamish, WA USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

A large number of books on the topic of anger have recently come into my house -- how to recognize anger, what it means, and how to "control" it. This is the only one of these books that I liked. All the other books on this topic seem to treat anger as a loss of control, which should be repressed. In fact, they seem to be about impulse control more than about anger. (I have nothing against people learning to control their impulses, I just don't think that it's the same topic as the topic of anger.) Luckily, I did not pay for any of these books, so I can just be glad I read this one, and forget about the others.

In this book, Lerner treats anger as a signal that something is going wrong. She explains that only when we address the "something wrong" in a useful way will the anger go away. Then she explores the "dances" we engage in, in our attempts to make ourselves feel better. She suggests that most of our attempts to make ourselves feel better focus on the person(s) we think made us mad, rather than on ourselves. She compassionately and wisely shows how to disengage from the anger and the counter-productive patterns, while staying connected and acting with integrity. However, she also acknowledges the effect that this sort of change can have on other people in the dance, and she provides guidance in maintaining oneself in the face of countermoves.

Fundamentally, this is not the kind of self-help book that provides 10 easy steps to ridding oneself of anger. Instead, it describes a different way to think about anger, and discussion of the ways in wich one can respond to anger. No easy steps, just a way of thinking, which can radically change the way one engages with the world.

90 of 91 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Use anger to make your life better, July 31, 1999

By A Customer

I found this book as impossible to put down as any thriller -- it was fascinating even when it didn't directly apply to me. But most of it did.

All my life I have had a problem expressing anger. It usually comes out as tears, which does not impress anyone or improve the situation, or else I swallow it and tell myself it's not important. This book has helped me to understand that when I'm angry, it means something is wrong, and I attempt to calmly identify what that is, and take steps to make it better. I'm not expert at this yet, but the book has given me hope that small changes can lead to big improvement over time.

All in all, this is a great book for anyone whose anger has ever made them feel ashamed or powerless. Read and reread until your anger works for you, not against you.

102 of 106 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Wow !, October 28, 2001

By	Kelley Hunt (Texas, USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

Many years ago someone recommended that I read this book but I didn't bother. I thought "Yeah right, another self-help book. I don't think so!" I was so wrong. This book dares to take on that ugly, taboo emotion: ANGER! If you never learned good solutions for understanding and dealing with your anger, this is a book you need to read. It is filled with insight about anger. It also offers constructive solutions for getting rid of anger, and improving relationships with people who make us angry. It deals with generational patterns of anger! This book is not just for women. Men, too, could learn a lot from reading this book and putting it's suggestions into practice. Very highly recommended.