Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples (Paperback)

by Harville Hendrix (Author) "WHEN COUPLES COME to me for relationship therapy, I usually ask them how they met..." (more)
Key Phrases: unconscious partnership, positive flooding, mirroring exercise, Getting the Love You Want, The Conscious Partnership, The Unconscious Partnership (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review
When Harville Hendrix writes about relationships, he discusses them not just as an educator and a therapist, but as a man who has himself been through a failed marriage. Hendrix felt the sting of his divorce intensely because he believed it signaled not only his failure as a husband but also his failure as a couples counselor. Investigating why his marriage dissolved led him to start looking into the psychology of love. Marriage, he ultimately discovered, is the "practice of becoming passionate friends."

As a result of his research, Hendrix created a therapy he calls Imago Relationship Therapy. In it, he combines what he's learned in a number of disciplines, including the behavioral sciences, depth psychology, cognitive therapy, and Gestalt therapy, to name just a few. He expounds upon this approach in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. His purpose in writing the book, he says, is "to share with you what I have learned about the psychology of love relationships, and to help you transform your relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship."

Divided into three sections, the book covers "The Unconscious Marriage," which details a marriage in which the remaining desires and behavior of childhood interfere with the current relationship; "The Conscious Marriage," which shows a marriage that fulfils those childhood needs in a positive manner; and a 10-week "course in relationship therapy, " which gives detailed exercises for you and your partner to follow in order to learn how to "replace confrontation and criticism ... with a healing process of mutual growth and support." The text is occasionally dry and technical; however, the information provided is valuable, the case studies are interesting, and the exercises are revealing and helpful. By utilizing his program, Hendrix hopes you too will be able to solve your marital difficulties without the expense of a therapist. --Jenny Brown

Review
"Hendrix provides much insight into how spouses can mature through one another." -- -- Booklist

"I know of no better guide for couples who genuinely desire a maturing relationship." -- -- M. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled

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Product Details

• Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: Harper Perennial; 1ST edition (February 1990)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060972920
• ISBN-13: 978-0060972929
• Product Dimensions: 7.8 x 5.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (139 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #322,741 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

44 of 48 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Worth a Good Look, November 12, 2008

By	Melody - See all my reviews

This review is from: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples (Paperback)

I looked at this book from a different perspective than most readers. I didn't read it as a person in need of relationship advice. Rather, I read it as a person who has been happily married for 22 years. My question was, how closely did the advice in this book match what I was doing successfully?

A bestseller since 1988, the book is separated into 3 sections:

-the first part talks about how unmet childhood needs can affect your future relationships.

-the second part talks about a marriage that can fulfil your unmet childhood needs in constructive ways.

-lastly, part three is the exercises. Here you'll be taken through a series of exercises that you can do at home that have been actually used in the author's practice. They're easy to do and involve writing.

Well, that's a rough synopsis that should give you a little bit of a feel as to how the book is set up- and what its about.

So how closely did the advice in this book match what I have been doing all this time to create a successful 22-year marriage? Perfectly- both the book and I promote the idea that you have to work at your marriage to make it work!

And perhaps that's the best piece of advice of all: find constructive ways to make you marriage better- and that's one thing this book most certainly succeeds at. Other self-help books I liked include "Finding Happiness in a Frustrating World".

25 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The thinking couple's guide to marriage, January 7, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples (Paperback)

If you want an intelligent guide to making marriage work (as opposed to some quick fix or gimmicky guide, or, even worse, some retro-marriage guide that's based solely on female self-sacrifice!) then this is the book for you. This book recognizes that when two people seriously commit to working on a marriage, the results can be amazing. I have used this in my work with couples as well as in my own relationship with my partner. It's a first-rate resource.

208 of 254 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars One of the few books that may really change your life, April 9, 2001

By	SH in Tampa "SPH" (Tampa FL) - See all my reviews

The relationship/self-help book market is booming. When looking for one of these books you are presented with a bewildering array of "experts" and "specialists", each with their pet theories about where men and women come from or what "rules" you should apply to your relationship.

It is rare to find a book written by an author with solid academic credentials and years of clinical practice. This book is one such find.

The book is organized into three parts. In part I, Dr. Hendrix describes the type of relationships most of us have - "Unconscious Marriage". In this section, he details how our childhood experiences, self image and ideals of romantic love combine to create an unstated power struggle between spouses. Often many books stop at this point, assuming that the reader can now go forth and solve their problems. Fortunately Dr. Hendrix continues.

In the second part, he describes what a more fulfilling relationship might look like, the "Conscious Marriage". He describes how to begin with commitment, stop destructive exit patterns, creating a zone of safety, understanding yourself and your partner, how to begin real self growth and containing rage. He closes by providing two examples of marriages that have been transformed by applying these techniques. The exercises and approaches described by Dr. Hendrix are hard. His most meaningful techniques are not quick tricks but require a lot of introspection and self awareness. As he mentions in his book, many couples may require external assistance (we did). However, his techniques provides lasting changes in the way that you interact with your partner.

The final part of the book is a series of exercises that help drive how the major points in each chapter of the preceding two sections. Relevant and helpful, their main point appears to be to draw the reader into applying the theories presented in the book to their own situation. In this respect, they are helpful.

We have tried a number of different books/techniques to help our relationship and we found this one to be the most helpful by orders of magnitude. I hope it works well for others