Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress [Hardcover]

John Gray (Author)

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Over the last fifty years, life has become more complicated. Longer working hours, intensified by grueling commutes and more traffic, the increased cost of housing, food, and health care, rising credit card debt, and the combined responsibilities of work and childcare in two-career families are only a few of the sources of stress in our fast-paced modern lives. In spite of the new technologies designed to connect us, information overload and round-the-clock accessibility via the Internet and cell phones have reduced much of our communication to the equivalent of text messaging. We are stretched to the limit, with little energy for our personal lives. Despite increased independence and opportunities for success at work, we are often left with a sense of isolation and exhaustion at home.

The unprecedented levels of stress both men and women are experiencing is taking a toll on our romantic relationships. Whether single or in committed relationships, we are often too busy or too tired to sustain feelings of attraction, motivation, and affection. Everyday stress drains our energy and patience and leaves us feeling too exhausted or overwhelmed to enjoy and support each other.

We are often too busy to see what is obvious. A man will give his heart and soul to make enough money to provide for his family and return home too tired even to talk with them. A woman will give and give to support her husband and children and then resent them for not giving back the kind of support she thrives on giving. Under the influence of stress, men and women forget why we do what we do.

Over the last fifteen years, a new trend in relationships has emerged linked to increasing stress. Both couples and singles believe they are too busy or too exhausted to resolve their relationship issues, and often think their partners are either too demanding or just too different to understand. Attempting to cope with the increasing stress of working for a living, both men and women feel neglected at home. While some couples experience increasing tension, others have just given up, sweeping their emotional needs under the carpet. They may get along, but the passion is gone.

Without an understanding of our different needs, men and women are adjusting their actions and reactions to no avail. Our actions may be pointed in the wrong direction. Why Mars and Venus Collide provides a new understanding and a variety of techniques you will need to counter the disruptive effects of stress and to steer a true course to a lifetime of love.

Remembering and understanding our differences are only half the battle. The other half is about action--learning to cope more effectively with stress. This book aims to help you discover new ways to lower your own stress and help to lower your partner’s. Whether you are in a relationship, starting over, or single, you will discover a variety of new and practical ways to improve your communication, uplift your mood, increase your energy, elevate levels of attraction in your relationship, create harmony with your partner, and enjoy a lifetime of love and romance. You will learn why communication breaks down or why your relationships have failed in the past, and what you can do now to ensure success in the future.

From Publishers Weekly

The author of the wildly successful Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus now posits that men (Mars) and women (Venus) naturally react differently to everyday stress, which in turn causes more stress in their relationships. When Gray says naturally, he means hormones. When a man, after a stressful day, wants to veg out in front of the TV, he is not rejecting his wife. Rather, he is replenishing his depleted testosterone. And when a woman wants to talk about her day, she is not being a nag. It's just her way of replenishing her cuddle hormone, oxytocin. According to Gray, the fact that women have more body fat means they burn more energy than men, which makes their minds create endless to-do lists. Gray does not consider cultural differences figuring in the stress mix. If anything, Gray seems to come down hard—or focus more—on women, perhaps because women are his most likely audience. Thus, he discusses Why Women Never Forget a Quarrel; and Making a Man Happier Is Easier than You Think (in which he uses a devoted dog as an example). It's simplistic but easy to digest and no doubt headed for the bestseller lists. (Feb.)
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Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Harper; 1 edition (January 22, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0061242969
• ISBN-13: 978-0061242960
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (32 customer reviews)
• Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #249,904 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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  Books > Health, Mind & Body > Authors, A-Z > Gray, John

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

13 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Empowering, April 7, 2008

By	Rebecca Johnson "The Rebecca Review" (Washington State) - See all my reviews (TOP 10 REVIEWER)    (COMMUNITY FORUM 04)    (VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress (Hardcover)

"The real reason women are tired today is not because they have too much to do. It is because they are not producing enough oxytocin to cope with stress." ~ pg. 81

In "When Mars and Venus Collide," John Gray masterfully guides readers from a place of conflict to a place of peace. He gives the tools that are necessary to cultivate a harmonious relationship and also gives scientific proof to support his main arguments.

While this book seems to have been written mostly for women there is an amazing list of ideas for men who want to boost their partner's oxytocin (helps women deal with stress) levels. There is also a list for women who want to boost their oxytocin levels naturally.

Since the last place you want to be even more stressed is at home with your partner, John Gray shows you how to argue more effectively. Instead of avoiding problems there are ways to connect with your partner while you solve real-life issues.

As life becomes increasingly more stressful it is good to know that there is a way to balance your life through thoughtful actions and positive thoughts. John Gray has refined his message so you can feel the fluidity of his thoughts. At the end of the book, he also discusses lifestyle choices that are essential for health.

This book will encourage a reduction in stress in any Mars and Venus relationship. I can recommend this book to women who are trying to balance their work and home life and need to connect with their partner in a more meaningful way.

~The Rebecca Review

16 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This Doctor gives TWO THUMBS UP!!, March 15, 2008

By	Dr. Scott Freeman (Alameda, CA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress (Hardcover)

I'm a Doctor, and BY FAR the #1 cause of all people's concerns is stress. Whether it's back pain or emotional distress. Financial concerns or lack of energy. It doesn't matter the outward expression. 99% of the time, the ultimate cause is an inability to manage the stresses of their life.

I saw John speak last night, and was blown away by the content of his new book. Finally, a biological basis for who we are as men & women! It's so clear and makes so much sense now.

What I especially appreciated were his easy to apply actions and strategies for creating more happiness and success, both as individuals and as couples.

The few hours spent learning this new material from John last night has instantaneously catapulted the quality of my life, my relationships, and my ability to make a difference and contribute to others.

Thank you John!

10 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Destress Your Marriage And Save It, December 12, 2008

By	Kelly J. Jadon "Founder:BasilAndSpice" (Florida) - See all my reviews (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress (Hardcover)

From: www.BasilAndSpice.com
Author & Book Views On A Healthy Life!

Book Review: Why Mars & Venus Collide by John Gray, Ph.D.

Are you stressed out? The burdens of work, child-rearing, credit card debt, commuting, including the rising costs of healthcare, housing, and food is demanding a significant payment from our marriages and romantic relationships today. We are too tired and busy to maintain our partners emotional and physical needs. Which in turn, creates further pressure, leading to fights, emotional separation, and divorce.

John Gray,Ph.D. author of Why Mars and Venus Collide points out the effects of stress on modern relationships:

Mild depression from stress suppresses passion.

A sense of urgency takes away our patience and flexibility.

A sense of distress, anxiety, and panic greatly diminishes our capacity to be happy.

Irritability overshadows our feelings of affection, appreciation, and tenderness.

Decreased energy limits how much we can freely give of ourselves.

With unstable blood sugar levels, our moods either become flat or fluctuate too much.

Men lose interest in the relationship while women feel overwhelmed with too much to do and not enough time and support.

Beyond this, stress of course leads to physical problems as well--infertility issues, digestive difficulties, insomnia, high blood pressure, and decreased immune function among other impairments.

Men and women react differently to stress because of chemical and physiological differences within our bodies. Not understanding the behaviors of the opposite sex during these difficult times can lead to further misunderstanding. Men produce large amounts of testosterone, especially during stress situations, which hinders oxytocin--a calming chemical. This allows men to fight for survival or protect the family when necessary. It also causes hostility, withdrawal, and sometimes anger.

Women produce oxytocin, released in large quantities during childbirth and breastfeeding. Estrogen, another female chemical, raises the effectiveness of oxytocin. Women would rather talk through their difficulties, protect and care for their children, and surround themselves with female support.

Understanding your partner is the key to a destressed relationship, making home a safe haven rather than a war of roses. Men tend to think of themselves as the breadwinners, difficult as it may be today. Though needing nurturing and love, they are risk takers with money, more dominant and independent, and tend to focus by blocking out distractions. When under stress, they will become silent. Best option here--John Gray writes that it is important to leave the man alone. In fact, ignore him for a while. This will help destress him.

Women tend to multitask, see the implications of a situation in a broader context, reach out to absorb more information, and skillfully use verbal abilities. Faced with stress, they will argue and persuade. Best option here--give the woman some attention. Ask about how she feels.

John Gray states that a woman's greatest challenge is caring for herself. She is a giver. 9 out of 10 women will sign up to donate their organs if killed in a traffic accident versus 1 out of 10 men. A man will give everything he has to support his family and then return home tired and needing to unwind. Having been married nearly 20 years, I understand this distinction between men and women. My sister-in-law phoned me not long ago, concerned that her husband arrives home from a 12-hour workday, only wishing to watch TV. Because she did not comprehend his need to switch gears and relax, this issue had created some minor friction in their household. I advised my sister-in-law to not nag her husband about watching television first, explaining that many men do this to loosen up after work.

Handle your stress rather than blame it on your spouse. Recognize that your spouse deals with stress too, even if he doesn't want to talk about it.

Best stress releasers:

Relax through yoga, meditation, massage therapy, listen to music, read a book, or just sit quietly.

Make time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it.

Sleep 7 to 9 hours a night.

Eat properly--fruits, vegetables, lean protein, whole grains.

Exercise induces the release of endorphins which will also improve your mood.

Talk to a listener who will not judge you, but who can offer a new viewpoint.

Seek out a professional therapist who will treat serious stress related disorders.

Compromise your point on occasion and avoid the argument.

Write down your feelings, volunteer your time, begin a hobby.

Say "No" to demands that exceed your time limits and abilities.

Avoid smoking, emotional eating, too much alcohol, and abusing drugs.

Highly Recommended Reading: Why Mars And Venus Collide by John Gray, Ph.D. The book will open your mind and eyes and allow you to see your partner for who he or she is. Restore the passion and romance in your marriage with the insight offered through the author's research and knowledge of the intricacy of relationships.

5 Stars