I'm writing from a hotel room outside Chicago. I'm here for a photo shoot for Spring Air Mattress, a company I'm partnering with to get out the message that comfort and self-care is the foundation to create a life you love. In the past, I would have thought myself crash and less than "spiritual" for creating this kind of partnership but the person I am today is very grateful for any opportunity to talk about self-care because I really see how revolutionary it is. So at first I'll be talking just to the salespeople about why comfort is important for women so they understand and then creating a video and booklet for women to see / read in the stores when they buy a new mattress. It feels fun and hopeful.
Which is certainly not how I felt yesterday. Exhausted, short tempered, angry, petty, and judgmental would be more accurate descriptors. After Dad's last fall and trip to the emergency room, we convinced Mom it's time to get someone to come in a few nights a week so she can go to another bedroom and get a complete and deep night's rest. You see, Dad gets up and tries to go to the bathroom without waking her and falls... Mom and Dad agreed, I arranged for an agency to come out and meet them... everything agreed on, cost discussed, feeling good... I go home, the phone rings, it's my sister. Mom has just called her and said Dad doesn't want anyone staying with him at night, would she be willing to come out for a month and do it?
I just about flipped. It's not Dad, it's Mom and it's the age old dance of enmeshment and Mom not being able to claim what she feels... I'm proud to say I quickly realized all I can do for now is step back and so I gently told Mom, when she called later to see what I thought of "Michele's idea" that it was between she and Michele and that even if Michele did come, after that month, Mom would still need to get help. For Mom to get help means Mom is a separate person who will go on without Dad, and she can't quite grasp that yet. It took me hours to feel how sad that makes me... and to feel compassion - which is still, honestly, a bit distant.
And then Lilly found out she failed her 1st math test and she's was in tears and begging me not to leave and then the dog hid in the closet and lots more things happened I'm blanking on...
And you know what? Accepting what is and how I feel - and then tuning into my heart and feeling love for yourself and others - it works. I'm okay. Sad, sad, sad and pissed off and okay.
So here I am, polishing my toenails and thinking about:
Having what you want - for my last radio show today I interviewed the amazing
Michael Neill and we talked about things like, (Michael) "It turns out that in most cases, it’s easier to get what you really want than what you think you can get. I call that ‘the power of ‘Wow!’, and it’s a bizarre idea for most people to get their head around because it runs counter to so many of the ideas that are put forward in the classic ‘success’ literature.
In fact, your goals may actually be in the way of your having what you want. By setting goals based on what you think you can have instead of what you really want, you wind up without the inspiration necessary to fuel your journey. But when you begin to navigate by joy and follow your own wanting, things seem to happen according to a different set of rules. All sorts of things happen to help you on your way that you could never have predicted when you got started."
I'm thinking about how this morning, when I had a few minutes, I made a painting, or started one, and how happy that made me.
I'm thinking about the books I'm reading:
Reading Like A Writer - I want to learn to read more slowly and savoringly
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Jennifer Louden "http://www.jenniferlouden.com" sent the following posts to customers who purchased The Woman's Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life