Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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15 of 16 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A unique research in positive psychology, April 13, 2009
I think the title of the book could be misleading for some people, as many wouldn't label themselves as perfectionists , Tal Ben Shahar proves in his theory that we all have struggles in perfectionism in one field of life or another which is very true to me. I prefer to call this book: The book of change, in which the author takes us into a journey of self reflections, self insights & subsequently a chance for a meaningful change only through the HARD WORK of sincere implementations of the exercises.
His unique writing style mingles philosophy & the best of academic research in cognitive psychology all together in a persuasive presentation. The exercises are persuasive enough because they all stand on the solid ground of empirical evidence.
What took me in awe were the closing 10 meditations, or better to call them the 10 wisdoms .
In conclusion, a unique work indeed, bringing a deeper and more mature level, for a more happier life.
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13 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
From Harvard to Happiness--What Makes Us Tick, April 12, 2009
From: www.BasilAndSpice.com
Author & Book Views On A Healthy Life!
The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life (McGraw Hill/ Apr 2009) by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D.
Author Tal Ben-Shahar is known for his Positive Psychology and upbeat lectures surrounding happiness. A Harvard graduate, he is also a champion squash competitor, winning both the U.S. Intercollegiate and Israeli National competitions. Ben-Shahar is also known for his bestselling book Happier. He began his search for the happiness while thinking about the subject, as a successful but unhappy athlete, and also as a successful but unhappy professional, leading him into the research of Positive Psychology.
Traveling abroad, giving international lectures has allowed the author to meet diverse groups of people, all in search of happiness. A common barrier coexisting in them all is "the aspiration to a life that is not just happier but perfect." The Pursuit of Perfect Ben-Shahar writes is about what perfectionism is and "about how to overcome this obstacle to a happier life."
Positive Psychology differentiates between positive (optimal) and negative perfectionism. Ben-Shahar points out that the perfectionist rejects failure, painful emotions, success, and reality. He limits himself with worry of failure, producing anxiety and procrastination. The optimalist however, accepts failure, painful emotions, success, and reality; he lives the full scope of the human experience. Though the optimalist may fail, he accepts the reality of the situation and moves forward.
Written in workbook format, the author suggests that readers stop and start with The Pursuit of Perfect, taking time to think about what he's read, apply the material, and complete the exercises at the end of the chapters. Referencing many specialists and researchers like himself, Ben-Shahar details seven pages of references.
Divided into three sections The Pursuit of Perfect explores the danger of perfection and the necessity of becoming an optimalist.
Part 1 The Theory--the need for accepting failure (think eating disorder sufferers), emotions (think depression), success (realistic goals), dealing with reality; mentions Viktor Frankl (paradoxical intentions) and David Barlow (worry exposure), Khalil Gibran (The Prophet--our capacity for increased joy).
Part 2 Applications--helping children attain happiness and success (mentions the Montessori school concept); taking optimalism to work (no-blame policies of the Israeli Air Force and U.S. Air Force; problems with micromanagement); finding love in the face of reality (Do you accept the flaws in your partner?)
Part 3 Meditations--focuses on the difficulties with releasing ourselves from perfectionism; cognitive techniques given; the need for self-love; pro-aging vs. the anti-aging lifestyle ("Those with a positive view of old age lived on average more than seven years longer than those with a negative view.")
Ben-Shahar relates several personal stories of reaching for perfection, living with emotional disequilibration, and parenting for relativity to the reader. His conclusion to The Pursuit of Perfect begins, "My name is Tal, and I am a Perfectionist," and the book concludes as "My name is Tal, and I am also an Optimalist." Perfectionism and its pursuit resides within many of us, perhaps hurting, distorting, and forcing rejection unfairly upon a life worth living. The journey toward Optimalism however, is viewed as a process or direction toward which one points his life.
The Pursuit of Perfect is a fascinating book, helping all of us discover what makes us tick, and in the end live life happier and more meaningfully.
5 Stars
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13 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
How to recognize, understand, and cope with "destructive perfectionist tendencies", April 5, 2009
In the poem "Richard Cory" written by Edward Arlington Robinson (1869-1935) and first published in 1897, the first two stanzas identify Cory as "a gentleman from sole to crown, /clean favored and imperially slim" who "fluttered pulses when he said, /`Good morning,' and glittered when he walked." Then in the two remaining stanzas, Robinson adds
"And he was rich--yes, richer than a king--
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
"So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head."
In The Pursuit of Perfect, Tal Ben-Shahar explains that many people (as well as fictional characters) fail to lead a full and fulfilling life because they do not allow themselves "to experience the full range of human emotions" and thus limit their capacity for happiness. They need to give themselves the permission to be human...to ground [their] dreams in reality and appreciate [their] accomplishments." Throughout this book, Ben-Shahar refers to negative perfectionism simply as perfectionism and to positive perfection ism as optimalism. "The key difference between the Perfectionist an the Optimalist is that the former essentially rejects reality while the latter accepts it...as a natural part of life and as an experience that is inextricably linked to success."
Ben-Shahar organizes his material within three Parts: First, he presents his theory and explains how to accept failure, emotions, success, and reality; next, he focuses on applications of the theory with regard to optimal education, work, and love; and then in Part 3, he asks his reader to participate in a series of ten meditations: Real Change, Cognitive Therapy, Imperfect Advice, A Perfect New World, The Role of Suffering, The Platinum Rule, Yes, but...The Pro-Aging Industry, The Great Deception, and finally, Knowing and Not-Knowing. It is soon obvious that v cares deeply about helping as many people as possible to recognize a painful paradox: "when we do not allow ourselves to experience painful emotions, we limit our capacity for happiness. All our feelings [e.g. both terror and serenity] flow along the same emotional pipeline, so when we block painful emotions, we are also indirectly blocking pleasurable ones. And these painful emotions only expand and intensify when they aren't released. When they finally break through - and they eventually break through in one way or another - they overwhelm us," as they did Richard Cory.
Who will derive the greatest value from reading this book? First, those who are struggling to recognize, understand, and cope with their own "destructive perfectionist tendencies" and/or those of a family member, friend, or acquaintance. For me, one of Ben-Shahar's most important points is that each person is both a Perfectionist and an Optimalist. This suggests one of Carl Rogers' most important points: The happiest people are those who are most comfortable living in their own body, people who (in Ben-Shahar's words) "give themselves permission to be human." This is what Walt Whitman acknowledges in Song of Myself:
"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
All of us are large and contain multitudes. The challenge is to recognize and understand this complexity because only then can we accept it and, in some instances, celebrate it as Whitman does. When concluding his book, Ben-Shahar shares some thoughts that will also serve as an appropriate conclusion to this brief discussion of it: "Perfectionism and optimalism are not distinct ways of being, an either-or choice, but rather they coexist in each person. And while we can move from perfectionism toward optimalism, we never fully leave perfectionism behind and never fully reach optimalism ahead. The optimalism ideal is not a distant shore to be reached but a distant start that guides us and can never be reached. As Carl Rogers pointed out, `The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.'" I agree. However, for many of those who read this book, Tal Ben-Shahar offers invaluable advice on how to plan and then conduct their own journey of self-discovery.
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