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45 of 45 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
FOR FRIENDS OF BEREAVED PARENTS TOO, January 25, 2001
As has been mentioned in almost every previous review, it's really helpful to realize that "I'm not crazy" when we try to deal with the loss of a child. Mrs. Schiff's book can be just as helpful to our friends and relatives too. It's important that they realize that we're not crazy either. In fact, it should be compulsory reading for anyone who is in any way close to a parent who is trying to go on living after the loss of a child.First, a litle personal background: In 1980, my 17 year old son lost his life as the result of an automobile accident. Like so many other recently bereaved parents, I wasn't sure that I wanted to go on living, and, until I found a group called "Compassionate Friends" that was made up of other recently bereaved parents who met to share memories and feelings, I didn't think that there was anyone "out there" who had any idea of what I felt. In addition, as Mrs. Schiff states in this book, married couples who are each going through their own feelings of grief, guilt, anger, etc., are absolutely incapable of meeting the needs of their respective spouses, something that an "outsider" cannot fathom, but will be more aware of after reading this book. To a bereaved parent, almost anything that someone who doesn't share their experience has to offer in the way of sympathy or advice can be thought of as being thoughtless and/or ignorant. Reading this book is one way for a friend to get some idea of how to relate to a bereaved parent and what to say, or more importantly, what not to say. Mrs Schiff mentions that you shouldn't say anything like "I understand what you're going through." You don't understand what we're going through unless you've been there yourself. On one occasion someone said to me, "I understand what you're going through, my dog died recently." Can you imagine how I felt hearing that? The other one that I will never forget was the man who said, "You don't know how lucky you are, I have a retarded child and have to deal with that every day." I didn't consider myself lucky at all, and why someone else's tragedy was supposed to make me feel better, I'll never understand. Don't even think of comparing tragedies. The point of this is that both of these people were well meaning but what they said, out of ignorance, should have been left unsaid. A reading of THE BEREAVED PARENT will let you know that the best thing to say to a bereaved parent is "I know that I'll never understand what you're going through, but I want you to know that I'm always here for you with an easr to listen and a shoulder to cry on." Then, really be there for them. To summarize; THE BEREAVED PARENT, in addition to being a virtual life saver to one who has lost a child, can also be read as a sort of guide book on how to provide support and love to your friends who are coping with the loss of life's most precious gift, their child.
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by Ellen Mitchell
by Juliet Cassuto Rothman
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