Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce (Hardcover)

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

There's no such thing as a "good divorce," argues Marquardt, a scholar with the Institute for American Values. Divorce harms children for the rest of their lives, she says; it turns them into "little adults" who anxiously protect their fragile parents, instead of being protected, the way they are in "intact" families. Divorce forces children to guard parental secrets—protecting Mom by not telling Dad, or vice versa. At increased risk from pedophilic attacks (from their mothers' boyfriends or new husbands) and substance abuse, "children of divorce" may also feel alienated from organized religion, although Marquardt's survey finds them more likely to feel their spirituality strengthened by adversity. Marquardt says she's based her book on her own experiences as a child of divorce and on the results of a "nationally representative survey," yet her own bias strongly colors this work. Intact-family envy—the kids with parents sit in the front pews at church, while the children of divorce sit alone in the back, eyeing them; a 20-something Marquardt "sobbing" as she tries to decide which of her divorced parents will walk her down the wedding aisle—permeates this feisty tract.
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Product Description

A compelling new study reveals the true effects of divorce

An astonishing one quarter of adults between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five have grown up in divorced families. Now, as this generation comes of age, Between Two Worlds will speak to them like no other book.

Elizabeth Marquardt (together with sociologist Norval Glenn) conducted a pioneering new national study of the children of divorce, surveying 1,500 young adults from both divorced and intact families and interviewing more than seventy of them at length. In Between Two Worlds, she weaves the findings of that study together with powerful, unsentimental stories of the childhoods of young people from divorced families—as well as her own story of growing up as a child of divorce. She asks us to acknowledge that children are profoundly shaped by divorce, even though, as adults, they might be accomplished and seem “fine.” While many experts maintain that there are “good divorces,” praise the idea of “blended families,” and assure divorced parents that kids are resilient, Marquardt calls this “happy talk” and warns that it causes children to bury their real feelings.

The hard truth, she says, is that while divorce is sometimes necessary, there is no such thing as a good divorce. An amicable divorce is certainly better than a bitter one, but even amicable divorces sow lasting inner conflict in the lives of children. When a family breaks in two, children who stay in touch with both parents must travel between two worlds, trying alone to reconcile their parents’ often strikingly different beliefs, values, and ways of living. Even a “good divorce” restructures childhood itself.

Not surprisingly, many children of divorce seem like old souls. Often they feel like they have a different identity in each of their parents’ worlds. Secrets are epidemic. Home feels less safe, and they are far less likely than the children of intact marriages to go to their parents for comfort or emotional support. Some question their parents’ morality and choices. Like their peers from intact families, they long for spirituality, but their feelings of loss, mistrust, and anger toward their parents deeply complicate their spiritual journeys—even translating into anger at God.

Marquardt’s data is undeniably compelling, but at the heart of her book are stories—of reunions with one parent that were always partings from the other, of struggles to adapt to a parent’s moods, of the burden of having to figure out the important questions in life alone. Authoritative, beautifully written, and filled with brave, sad, unflinchingly honest voices, Between Two Worlds is a book of transforming power for the adult children of divorce, whose real experiences have for too long gone unrecognized.

Based on a pioneering new study, Between Two Worlds is a book of transforming power for anyone who grew up with divorced parents.



After the divorce, our parents may no longer have been in conflict, but the conflict between their worlds was still alive. Yet instead of being in the open, visible to outsiders, the conflict between their worlds migrated and took root within us. When we sought our own identities—when we asked “Who am I?”—we were confronted with two wholly separate ways of living. Any answer we gleaned from one world could be undermined by looking at the other. Being too much like Dad could threaten the Mom-self inside us, and vice versa. These conflicts were not raised in conversation with or between our parents, or with anybody else, but internally. We were one in our bodies but we did not feel one inside. Even the “good divorce” left us struggling with divided selves. —from Between Two Worlds

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Crown (September 27, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0307237109
• ISBN-13: 978-0307237101
• Product Dimensions: 9.4 x 6.1 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (33 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #325,991 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

67 of 72 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Must Read for all who know children, November 5, 2005

By	Elizabeth B. Cooney - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

Between Two Worlds is a breathtaking book - well written, well-researched, and powerful. This Christmas I am going to buy a copy for each of my siblings, step-siblings, half-siblings, and all of my cousins who have divorced parents. Anyone who has contact with children should make this book REQUIRED READING. With divorce epidemic in our society, there is no doubt that many of these children have divorced parents. And married couples with children, especially those who are unhappy and contemplating divorce as an option, should read this book before making a final decision.
If you are a child of divorce, take a deep breath and prepare for some pain, but do read Between Two Worlds; you will find yourself writ large in this book of surpassing authority. This is no memoir - it is based on sound research, and draws from many sources to back up all general statements - but Ms. Marquardt uses the clever technique of writing in the first person plural, which gives the book an immediacy and depth no mere survey conclusions could approach.
I am a child of divorce, age 43 and happily married with three children. Until I read Between Two Worlds, not one single person in my entire experience (except other shell-shocked children of divorce) could believe or imagine what I went through, and so they didn't. And the children of divorce almost never talk about it because it is just too painful. It has taken me all the energy I have to create a positive life for myself and my children. I simply do not have the energy to re-examine the past. It's a good thing that Ms. Marquardt did, because it's about time people started to take a close look at how children feel about divorce. Maybe Between Two Worlds will be the turning point for our sociologists, psychologists, school counselors, etc. who need to take off their blinders and look at how divorce rips children apart.
About Ms. Marquardt being biased; sure she is biased - and that bias is the very thing that makes her ideas on the subject so insightful. Only an insider could know which questions to ask. Going forward from here, maybe some psychologists from intact families will be able to do effective research on the subject, but she got the ball rolling by asking all the right questions. We have a long way to go to fully understand the impact of divorce, but this book changes the focus of the debate on divorce to where it rightly belongs - on the thousands (dare I say millions?) of innocent children who are impacted by it.

35 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Ruffling Some Feathers...To Save Our Kids, September 16, 2006

By	Thomas J. Burns (Apopka, Florida USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

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I rarely read other reviews before writing my own, but in this case I was curious to see if earlier readers had expressed outrage at the author's premise. Response from readers to date appeared rather sympathetic to Ms. Marquandt, which suggested to me that this work may be reaching more childhood survivors of divorce than the perpetrators. I do wonder if the author is pleased with this apparent outcome, since her concluding remarks seem more directed toward adults in the contemplative stages of a divorce; the editing of the book does not necessarily serve that purpose.

I was surprised that a work of this nature was funded and promoted in the first place. Although ethical therapists have known of the psychological damage of divorce for years, who wanted to "make half of America feel guilty?" [particularly when many of those "guilty" are therapists themselves.] Apparently, the psychological abuse of divorced children just could not be ignored any longer. "Between Two Worlds" draws its intellectual meat from a study funded by the Lilly Foundation in 2001 and conducted by the Institute for American Values, for which the author serves as an affiliate scholar. Approximately 1500 adults participated in the written study, with the author interviewing about 70 participants for the narrative of the work. The statistical results of the study are presented in detail at the book's conclusion. The subjects were selected from a carefully defined cohort: at some point in their childhood the subjects' parents had divorced, and in their own subsequent adult lives the subjects had attained some measure of success, such as graduating from college or distinguishing themselves in business or the arts.

The purpose of selecting this particular type of subject was to determine if divorce had left scars on the highest functioning cohort of its victims. I suspect the underlying premise was to discredit the current misconception that there is such a thing as a "good divorce scenario" for minor victims of marital break-up. Certainly none of the interviewed subjects had much good to say about their lives as divorce victims. Just from the aspect of practicality, children of divorce are inevitably exposed to years of gross intrusion into their humble efforts to craft an existence of their own. Imagine, as an adult, if every Friday you had to pack an overnight bag, leave your neighborhood and "your stuff" behind, and spend your long awaited weekend from work in a new, strange surrounding where, more often than not, no one knows quite what to do with you. Maybe not a sin that cries to heaven for vengeance, but I wouldn't want to take the chance.

The practical hell of divorced living for minors eventually subsides as children grow into college years. But what about psychological scarring? Here is where the author does her best work, looking at the perceptual balancing act that even the youngest children must learn in their tender years: how do I please both mom and dad? Marquandt argues accurately that children of divorce are denied the witness of adult accommodation and reconciliation. And worse, they sense that in the ping pong existence of visitations, they must exercise caution in each locale, aware that a slip of the tongue or an inadvertent disclosure is going to have major impact upon them and others.

As a psychotherapist, I have seen this for years with disturbing frequency. Fathers pump children to find out where the child support money is going. Mothers bombard children with questions about their ex-husband's new girlfriends. Perhaps even more disturbing, parents show remarkable perseverance in keeping the past alive, and the "visitation handoffs" are dreaded by children because their natural parents cannot let grievances die. Marquandt gives examples of children who feel responsible for their parents' pain and end up becoming the emotional caregivers. Divorce in effect robs a child of childhood.

There is a clinical term for this, hypervigilance, the super-awareness characteristic of rape and trauma victims. Like the victim of sexual abuse, the divorce victim must learn quickly what cues set off troubles, how to avoid dangerous situations, and saddest of all, that no adult can really be counted upon to last for the count. As the statistical and anecdotal evidence shows, this traumatized state is a lifelong condition. When the divorce victim walks down the aisle on her marriage day, for example, she wonders "Will my marriage go the way of mom's and dad's?"

Marquandt rails against the spate of children's books that encourage the young reader to look upon split custody as a gift, an opportunity, a learning experience. She finds this kind of literature the cruelest form of child deception. I tend to see such works as necessary evils. She also looks at ancillary statistics; new studies now indicate that at most about 30% of divorces are necessary in the sense that there is violence or a dangerous environment for the children. Nearly 70% of divorces are, to borrow from medical terminology, "elective;" situations in which adults chose to pursue their own personal satisfaction at the cost of their offspring's childhood. One wishes there was a kinder way to put it, but maybe it is time to call a spade a spade.

One remaining question for mental health practitioners: is this a book to recommend to patients? Certainly this book is required reading for those anticipating marriage. I might consider recommending this work to adult victims of divorce, all things being equal, such as ego strength, etc. As to those who elected divorce, I doubt they would be very open to the effort of reading. And those who did would more likely than not find excuses as to why their divorces were "medical necessities." We seem to be very competent when it comes to post mortems.

25 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars working on something still unkown, March 13, 2006

By	Louis Coult "wunderus" (SF,NM) - See all my reviews

I picked this book up on a whim off the shelf, read it in two nights, and came out of it in a whole new place.

My parents divorced when I was 4 and my brother was 2. My father remarried but my mother never did. They both still live in the same town, as do I, yet I have been estranged from them for 2 years now with very little communication. I guess I want to reconcile with them, which may be why I still live in the same town, I am not really sure. Regardless we have had group therapy sessions from time to time to try to work this out but they never really go anywhere except circular frustration. I have tried to communicate with them on numerous occasions in both these sessions, informally, and in writing but with little success. I always felt like they never really understood. I kept telling them that I felt like I was stuck in the middle between them: taking care of my mother as a husband, getting frustrated with her for being helpless, feeling shamed for thinking her helpless, getting pissed at my dad for putting me in that position, thinking my mom was getting back at my dad through me by making me mad at him, then feeling guilty about thinking this about my mom, blowing them both off and acting out, and then back to taking care of mother and her feelings; around it went and still goes. This catch 22 is what I have tried to explain to them but then self-doubt comes and I feel I am overreacting. I tell myself that because the divorce was so long ago, and was what might be considered a "good" divorce, that I should be "over" it.

This has been lonely for me and I have recently realized this is not healthy. Yet I didn't know how to get on with my life without this confusion; being trapped in between. So 2 years ago I stopped dealing with my parents almost entirely to move forward for myself but I still hope that they might understand this dilemma of mine. Maybe we might come to some understanding some day. I had never really imagined how this might occur (outside of therapy) but I think when I read "Between Two Worlds"I had a hint at a direction. Many of my feelings and my situation are reflected in her story and the numerous other stories told by the other children of divorce within the book. The fact that she has empirical evidence and a comprehensive study to back up her anecdotal style make this book even more impressive to me. It was enjoyable and inspiring read. I neither want to fall into the victim trap and blame my parents for my suffering nor do I want to feel guilty about this anger and hide the hurt that the divorce has caused me any longer. This might be the most inspiring thing about "Between Two Worlds" and Elizabeth Marquardt is how she navigates this delicate edge so gracefully. This book gives me hope as a step forward with my parents (I recommended they read it) and a step inside for understanding myself.

I didn't mean this review to get so personal. I do wish I had a copy of the book so I could be more specific to the text however I gave my copy to my brother for Christmas. I hope that this review is helpful to someone and that as a result you read this book which has truly affected me. Please if anyone knows of any other books, resources or discussion groups which deal with the topic of divorce I would, of course, be very interested.