Better Together
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Take, for example, this:
Dear Business Permits Dept.: I want to apply for a business permit in your fine city...I operate the Soup & Sleep Restaurants. You can either order soup or sleep. A hostess will greet you and you would say, "I'd like to sleep." She will lead you to a table where you can catch a few winks.
Or this:
Dear Helena Ocean & Dog Licensing Dept: I will stage the play "Mark Twain with Tourette's Syndrome.". . . Let me know what arrangements I need to make to store my anchovie tank at your seaport. Thank you. I await large crowds.
Or even this:
Dear Kmart: I have invented a male underpants liner...This liner fits right in your shorts and can be thrown away after 15 weeks. I have been wearing the same pair of underwear for 105 days now and although they feel a little stretchy they are perfectly clean.
Ted's unique way of looking at the world-and how the world responds to Ted's schemes--is captured here in this extra nutty, hugely hilarious collection.
From the Back Cover
Ms. Barbara Ramey
RALPHS SUPERMARKETS
PO Box 54143
Los Angeles, CA 90054
Dear MS. Ramey:
Thank you very much for answering my letter concerning the haunted sponge I bought from a Ralphs store. Ralphs has been and always will be the only store I shop in for my food and sponge needs.
In your letter to me you said that I would be hearing from the supplier of this songe. I have not heard from them. And this sponge is bad.
Can someone from Ralphs come and get this sponge from me? This sponge is out to get me. I am afraid.
After I got your letter I went down to my basement and locked that sponge in a steel box and put a chain around that box. Then I wrapped that box in tape and put a shackle around that. Then I boarded up the basement door with over 1000 nails. Then I put a manacle on that door. Then I went upstairs to my room to get a good nights sleep.
At about 3 o'clock in the morning I woke up and looked down. That sponge was right by my bed. I am scared. Please help me.
Also, do you sell Brillo at your store?
When will I hear from the supplier? I need to know. Thank you for your reply.
Sincerely,
Ted L. Nancy
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