If Men Could Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men (Paperback)

by Alon Gratch (Author) "Men are difficult..." (more)
Key Phrases: masculine insecurity, feminine split, emotional absence, New York, Wall Street, Alon Gratch (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Women drawn to this book by its promise to unlock men's secrets will find that following Gratch's premise requires more effort and sophistication than following the work of John Gray. Though this book holds insights into the male psyche and into the therapeutic process itself, readers looking for a quick fix or easy characterizations will be disappointed. Despite the clever title, Gratch serves up fairly serious theory flavored with dollops of Russian literature and only brief suggestions on dealing with men's behavior. Rather than suggest manipulative tactics, he urges women to hone their emotional understanding, in one case advising women to be like a "detective" in probing for emotions. Observing that "the cornerstone of man's gender identity is his feminine, not masculine, desires," this Westchester, N.Y., clinical psychologist surveys men's motivations using popular catchphrases: "boys don't cry" (shame); "I don't know what I feel" (emotional absence); "tired of being on top" (insecurity); "see me, touch me" (self-involvement); "I'll show you who's boss" (aggression); "I'm such a loser" (self-destruction); "I want sex now" (sexual acting out). In alternately familiar and intriguing composite patient profiles, Gratch illustrates each behavior, documenting his reactions to being challenged and engaged by--and at times almost jousting with--patients. (Feb. 20)Forecast: While Gratch aims for a dual readership, his catchy title and topic are designed to attract media attention and a stampede of women buyers. However, he may have pitched this one too high for a mass audience.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

From Library Journal
Gratch, a clinical psychologist with more than 20 years of experience (Columbia Univ. and Columbia Presbyterian Hosp.), has taken a distinctly psychoanalytical view of why men do what they do. He posits seven attributes in an attempt to explain male behavior: shame, emotional absence, self-involvement, masculine insecurity, aggression, self-destructiveness, and sexual acting-out. The author blames a lot of these issues on men tryingAbut not being fully ableAto hide the feminine part of their psyches. He also blames a lot of gender conflict on men reacting negatively to women being too "womanly": because they don't like the feminine aspects of their own psyches, they feel called upon to revile these aspects in others. This tendentious work is a marginal purchase for most libraries; buy where Sigmund Freud is still "the man" and patrons believe that a cigar is never a cigar.APamela A. Matthews, Gettysburg Coll., PA
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: Little, Brown and Company (February 6, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0316178683
• ISBN-13: 978-0316178686
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.4 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #242,950 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

22 of 22 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Full of insight into the dark heart of the male, February 16, 2001

By	"mark_rosenman" (Montclair, NJ United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: If Men Could Talk: Here's What They'd Say (Hardcover)

I don't generally read psychology or self-help, which is why, having just finished this remarkable book, I feel like shouting about it from the rooftop. Written clearly and eloquently (no psycho babble!), If Men Could Talk covers a wide range of male hang-ups, taboos, and issues, in a profound yet practical way. On every page Gratch reaches deeply into dark corners of the male mind and heart, shedding light where ever he looks. Shame, inability to express feelings, professional self-doubt, sexual restlessness-the whole male magilla is here, illuminated by easy-to-grasp case studies from Gratch's practice that make his points live. The best part of all Gratch's distinctive tone: supportive but honest, earnest, good humored. His emphasis is on how to start a dialogue with a man: how to listen without being judgmental, how to understand without necessarily agreeing. One example of his good sense(among many): getting in touch in therapy with the left-over anger you feel towards your parents doesn't at all have to mean that you're blaming them for your problems. Time will tell whether what I learned from this book will really make it easier for me to talk. In the meantime I was both enriched and entertained by an encounter with an extraordinary psychologist. And most important of all-it will help my wife to understand me (it's on her bed table as I write this).

23 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A Primer on actually Understanding Men, April 27, 2002

By	Harold McFarland (Florida) - See all my reviews (TOP 50 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

Gratch is a clinical psychologist who has spent many years working predominantly with men. One of the most common complaints from women about men is that they don't talk. This book is the result of years of getting men to talk and finding out what they would say, if they would talk openly. Covering several areas from shame to sexual acting out, this is not a book about quick fixes but a detailed analysis of the psyche of men and what goes on under the surface.

Gratch breaks his analysis down to seven key attributes that you must understand in order to understand men. First are the defensive attributes of Shame and Emotional Absence. He explains how these affect a man's thoughts and actions as well as what can be done about it. Then he discusses the four things that affect a man when he finally does open up. These are Masculine Insecurity, Self-Involvement, Aggression, and Self-Destructiveness. And finally he discusses the practice of Sexual Acting-Out.

An interesting and provocative book, some readers (mostly men) will have a problem with the analysis and some will find it enlightening. Reasonably argued and filled with interesting insights, it is a reasonable analysis of how many men really operate deep inside.

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars And WOMEN are supposed to be complicated?!, July 1, 2005

By	Erica N. Herron "Erica" (MD) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

After reading this book it seemed to me that women are black and white compared with the insane complexity of men! Also, I thought women got the raw end of the deal with gender roles -- and undoubtedly they have -- but this book made it clear to me that we women are not the only victims here.
My husband is very quiet and totally incapable of expressing feelings unless they are positive or nuetral ones. I really, really needed this book. I read it quite a while ago and still rely on several important pieces of information, using them on an almost daily basis.
I latched onto the concept of emotional androgyny (the blending of stereotypical "feminine" qualities like compassion and vulnerability, along with the stereotypical "masculine" qualities like strength and courage, in individuals of both genders), something that hadn't occured to me prior to reading this. While I may have seen this as an appropriate goal for women, I never bothered to think that men would be equally liberated and more balanced by becoming androgynous.
Also, I take the teeter-totter effect in relationships into account: that if one spouse is hysterical, the other feels it is their role to be stone-cold, thus making the first spouse more hysterical; that if a role is not being fulfilled in a relationship between two people (protector, provided, worrier, nagger, sex-initiator) someone will always step in to fill the gap, forcing the other individual to take the opposite end of the teeter-totter, as with a worrying wife and a risk-taking husband; that the more you stress your role, the more the other person becomes the polar opposite of you (the more you nag, the less likely he'll ever do anything on his own.)
By not chattering on and on about my feelings as much, becoming more androgynous by being less forthcoming ("less forthcoming" being a masculine trait), my husband could step out of the role of listener and into the role of talker (a feminine trait). The transformation was instantaneous. Just to prove how profound this is, I suggest you try for one whole day to act exactly like your partner, never breaking character. You'll be shocked by how quickly they will start to resemble you instead of themselves, filling in the void you left on the other side of the teeter-totter. Work on becoming a more balanced person, ironing out your own imperfections, and his corresponding imperfections will likely dissipate all on their own. Whether they do or they don't, however, you'll find that you're leading a much more fulfilling and rich lifestyle, living outside of a gender-role box.
The only criticism I have, which is similar to that of another person who reviewed this book, is that the author did seem to suggest that a woman walk on egg-shells. Non-interference seems to be the rule of thumb (which is fine in most circumstances, but when a relationship or man is really out of control it's time to get your hands dirty) and sometimes his suggestions of how women should get their needs fulfilled seemed... sly. Dare I say... manipulative. Being honest and open never really seemed to be an option.
Awesome book though. Really changed everything.