That's Not What I Meant! (Mass Market Paperback)

by Deborah Tannen (Author) "You know the feeling: You meet someone for the first time, and it's as if you've known each other all your lives..." (more)
Key Phrases: intimate criticism, complementary schismogenesis, conversational signals, New York, Grown Ups, Gregory Bateson (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Part pop psychology, part sociology and part anthropology, this book by a linguistics professor at Georgetown University focuses on the uncomfortable moments when a conversation inexplicably breaks down, and suggests how such awkwardness can be avoided. Noting that there exist a plethora of books on public speaking, Tannen instead considers "private speaking," and particularly the "metamessages" we transmitwhat we say, our attitude toward those we speak with, and the specific occasioninvolving such elements as loudness, pitch and intonation. Using scenarios that illustrate communication gaps, Tannen also attempts to show readers how to save their marriages and triumph in job interviews. BOMC alternate. January 17
Copyright 1985 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal
Tannen, whose field is cross-cultural linguistics, focuses on conversational style rather than psychological content, and explains why good intentions are not enough. We begin all conversations with some expectation of how they will progress. If our expectations differ, unexpected responses seem irrational, and we may accuse each other of being deliberately obstructive. She emphasizes that there are no right or wrong ways to converse, only ways which work or don't work. By recognizing differences in style, and learning to work with them rather than against them, we can avoid misunderstanding. Tannen's writing is lively, she states her case clearly, and provides a fresh look at a subject which concerns us all. Recommended for popular collections. Margaret B. Allen, formerly with Bennington Free Lib., Vt.
Copyright 1986 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Mass Market Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: Ballantine Books (March 12, 1987)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0345340906
• ISBN-13: 978-0345340900
• Product Dimensions: 6.8 x 4.1 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars See all reviews (27 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #30,737 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

67 of 70 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The perfect wedding gift, October 19, 2000

By	Dan Schwarcz "DocDanPA" (Pittsburgh, PA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

More than one newlywed couple I've talked to describes the first year as a difficult and challenging time, and the insights that this book gives can make the difference between being able to work through the issues and just running in place.

I read this book just after our honeymoon, and it was a revelation. Although both my wife and I had a wonderful relationship before we got married, we found ourselves having problems that neither of us understood after we wed. As I read this book I quickly saw that there were issues discussed that paralleled what we were going through. I loaned it to my wife, and now three years later we make it a point to add a copy to any wedding gift we give.

Once you read this book, you may see the communication in your own relationships with a clearer eye. Of course, that assumes that you actually understand the text, instead of (as two reviewers here do) simply skim it for evidence of some preconceived political agenda. People who see Feminist conspiracies around every corner will completely miss the point of this book, which is too bad. I suspect such folks don't have much luck understanding the women in their lives either.

A good example of the misreading that the Feminist-hunter did is in the claim that "she propells the notion that men are liguistically-challenged because they don't follow her prescribed patterns of femme-speak." Yet the whole point of Dr. Tannen's book is this: While indirect communication (more common among women) is as valid as more direct styles (more common among men), it is the way someone who speaks in one style perceives the messages from a person who uses another that causes problems. What really made the book enlightening to me was the exploration of how context and meta-messages change that cross-style dynamic, and it helped me understand how my words could be misunderstood, how I might be misunderstanding the words of others, and why the exact same actions after the wedding could have totally different results than they did a week earlier.

My only negative comment about the book is that Dr. Tannen not only doesn't give any advice on bridging the gaps in style, she even states at one point that such efforts are futile. People who use an indirect style, for example, will be offended by a direct discussion of communication styles, because they'll try to figure out "what you're REALLY trying to say". In fact, once both my wife and I had read and discussed the book, we learned to clear up (if not always prevent) this kind of problem, and it made a huge difference in our marriage. A little less pessimism and a bit more guidance would have made the book even better.

46 of 47 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The focus of this book is right where it should be!, February 10, 2000

By	Robert W. Martin (Ithaca, New York, USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This book does indeed have a narrow focus, but the subject of that focus--interpersonal communication--has far reaching implications in any type of human relationship. As was correctly stated by a previous reviewer, relationships often suffer from a variety of different problems, ranging from differences in personal habits, to differences in values, to differences in religious views, but that is more or less a given in any relationship, especially one in which people share a domicile. However, it is how those relationship partners choose to "deal" with their inevitable differences "communicatively" that will determine the ultimate success or failure of their relationship. Do they choose to disagree or argue endlessly? Do they insult each other, or call each other names? Do they try to talk over each other,or become violent? Or do they approach each other in cooperative manner, open to each other's different ideas and viewpoints, with a willingness to learn from each other?

What Tannen does in this book is show how some of the common communication differences between men and women in relationships have their basis in fundamental differences in the way men and women perceive each other, and relationships in general. And furthermore, that these fundamental differences, often hidden below the surface, can have profound, and often negative, effects on all kinds of relationships throughout a person's life, unless they are brought into the light of day. In effect, what Tannen is trying to do is to get people to be more aware of how they "habitually" communicate, the possible reasons why they communicate in those ways, and how the things they say and do may affect others. In effect, her goal is to empower people to begin--perhaps for the first time in their lives--to really "choose" how they communicate in relationships--rather than being a slave to destructive habits relied on since childhood. I strongly recommend this book for both men and women in ongoing close relationships. Once you have read it, you will never see communication in your relationships in quite the same way.

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars A blueberry muffin with all the blueberrys and no muffin, March 29, 2002

By	"avraml" (Rockville, MD United States) - See all my reviews

The basic information in this book is invaluable, but the Author's style resembles that of high school student. The book is written in a classic outline style (I'm going to talk about this now), it's impersonal and has cold examples. Dr. Tannen doesn't seem to give much if any of her own realizations, instead she consistantly refers to other experts. I constantly felt as though I was reading a report written for a social psychology class.