Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (Hardcover)

~ Dan Kindlon (Author), (Author), (Author) "Luke, thirteen, pauses at the office door, undecided whether to take his baseball cap off or leave it alone; he pulls it off and steps..." (more)
Key Phrases: emotional miseducation, emotional courage, emotional illiteracy, United States, New York, Big Impossible (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher's groundbreaking book, exposed the toxic environment faced by adolescent girls in our society. Now, from the same publisher, comes Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, which does the same for adolescent boys. Boys suffer from a too-narrow definition of masculinity, the authors assert as they expose and discuss the relationship between vulnerability and developing sexuality, the "culture of cruelty" boys live in, the "tyranny of toughness," the disadvantages of being a boy in elementary school, how boys' emotional lives are squelched, and what we, as a society, can do about all this without turning "boys into girls." "Our premise is that boys will be better off if boys are better understood--and if they are encouraged to become more emotionally literate," the authors assert. As a tool for change, Kindlon and Thompsom present the well-developed "What Boys Need," seven points that reach far beyond the ordinary psychobabble checklist and slogan list. Kindlon (researcher and psychology professor at Harvard and practicing psychotherapist specializing in boys) and Thompson (child psychologist, workshop leader, and staff psychologist of an all-boys school) have created a chilling portrait of male adolescence in America. Through personal stories and theoretical discussion, this well-needed book plumbs the well of sadness, anger, and fear in America's teenage sons. --Ericka Lutz

From Publishers Weekly

A genuine enthusiasm for their subject shines through the pages of this enormously compelling book, as the authors share insights on boys' emotional development from birth through the college yearsAan increasingly high-profile topic in the wake of disheartening statistics about adolescent suicide and violence. In much the same way that Reviving Ophelia offered new models for raising girls, therapists Kindlon and Thompson argue that boys desperately need a new standard of "emotional literacy," showing how our culture's dominant masculine stereotypes shortchange boys and lead them toward emotional isolation. The authors turn a spotlight on the inner lives of boys, debunking preconceptions about gender, explaining the importance of nurturing communication skills and empathy in boys as well as girls, and steering boys toward a manhood of emotional attachment, not stoicism and solitude. They also challenge the ways in which, in their view, traditional school environments put boys at a disadvantage (why not hold off on reading instruction a year or two? they ask; why not five short recesses a day?). Such issues as drinking, drugs and the "culture of cruelty" among adolescents, in which "anything a boy says or does can and will be used against him," also meet with sensitive treatment. Separate chapters examine the relationships between fathers and sons and mothers and sons, and show how these can be protected and redefined. This thoughtful book is recommended for parents, teachers or anyone with a vested interest in raising happy, healthy, emotionally whole young men. Agent, Gail Ross of Lichtman, Trister, Singer and Ross.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Ballantine Books; 1 Reprint edition (April 6, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0345424573
• ISBN-13: 978-0345424570
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.2 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (119 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #270,891 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

169 of 176 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars essential resource for mothers, caregivers and teachers, March 25, 2003

By	audrey (white mtns) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)

This review is from: Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (Paperback)

While I think men and the parents of daughters would also benefit from reading this book, I want to emphasize that as a woman and the parent of sons this book has become an invaluable resource for me. The authors made many important points about the male experience that were new to me, or vague, and also gave practical ideas and examples for achieving goals or avoiding conceptual traps.

Kindlon and Thompson begin with the story of Cain, which is immediately disorienting. In a good way. I've always been puzzled about why God was so mad? I believe the fruit Cain offered was beautiful, so why was it of lesser value? I never thought God was fair to Cain, though admittedly Cain did react badly. So immediately you're in the state of mind to question perceptions about males as well as male perception (and reaction).

I didn't find any intellectual oneupsmanship over which gender's got it worse. Instead, I saw: Boys are different, and here's what some of the differences are and why that's so, and how you can deal with that. I feel much better prepared for the many talks I hope I'll have with my children over the years. Important talks that I want to be transformative rather than reactionary or alienating.

This isn't just a book for the parents of adolescent boys, either. The authors make the point many times that giving boys an emotional education is imperative -- teaching them to recognize various emotions as physical cues and with emotional consequences. More importantly, the authors then cite cases from their clinical backgrounds and make down-to-earth suggestions about what to do to catch these problems and help our children. Young boys will benefit from your early introduction of these principles, including: giving a boy an emotional education and letting him have an inner life; recognizing that boys have a higher activity level (amen!) -- and accepting it; communicating with boys in a direct and respectful way, and enlisting them as problem solvers; using discipline that is instructive and fair rather than harsh and crushing; teaching a boy that there are many ways to be a man.

This is a plausible theory informed by clinical experience, but most of all it is a catalog of simple actions that may make a huge difference in your sons' lives. Andrew Vachss' Another Chance to Get It Right, says these things so eloquently. Every day the collective experience of the world is the sum of the choices each of us makes individually. We decide whether to be lazy parents and raise mediocre adults, or do we try to make a golden age, populated by mature, happy adults who have the knowledge and the will to make the world a better place in their turn? Every day you decide whether to spank or to reason, to pressure or to embrace, to train or to teach, to saddle them with our baggage or let them be. Let Vachss' book motivate you and this book instruct you. You and your children will be the better for it.

Well-written, insightful, transformative.

101 of 105 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Grateful that I've discovered this book, August 28, 2001

By	Keith Smith (Austin, TX) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (Paperback)

A few months ago, I read Reviving Ophelia on the recommendation of my wife (a psychologist) and a friend (a social worker). I was frankly stunned at the insight I gained in reading it. I immediately ordered a copy of my own, and in the process discovered Raising Cain. And just like Reviving Ophelia, I read it completely through. As a man, with strong memories of my adolescence, the book resonates with me. The stories it presents of the adolescent indoctrination into male culture (the "Big Impossible" as it's referred to throughout the book) ring true in a personal way. I "knew" many of the boys that they're referring to and who tell their stories. These were my associates, my classmates, my friends. And the more I read, the more I recalled of that period. Kindlon and Thompson present their story in the same basic structure as Pipher in Reviving Ophelia; as a series of topics that can greatly influence a young man, using vignettes of particular children and their stories to develop understanding and insight. And again, these are powerful vehicles for communication; presenting stories of strength and power in the face of unbelievable adversity. Just as powerful, is the understanding it brings as to how and why a child who's been continually disenfranchised can lash out against others (I find I'm in particular agreement with the authors after having been on the minority end of discussions about school killings such as Colombine). The most important contribution of this book; however, is to those who don't (and can't) understand what male culture can do to shape a child. I'm continually at the receiving end (and mostly the participating end) of jokes about the inability of a man to express a real emotion or feeling. While most of it is joking, it's clear that for two close female friends (one an only child and one with the closest siblings 15 years their senior) and my spouse (with three brothers, the youngest 16 years older than she) there really isn't any understanding of what it's like growing up to be indoctrinated as a man. Hopefully this book can provide some measure of understanding to those who haven't experienced this first-hand. And what of those of us who have experienced it? Hopefully this book provides both some reminder of what it was like growing up in that environment as well as providing some hope that it's possible to grow beyond the expectations of that environment. For while strength is important, it must be tempered with compassion. And it's up to us to make sure it happens.

76 of 80 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent book about understanding and helping boys., December 14, 1998

By A Customer

As a colleague of Michael Thompson, co-author with Dan Kindlon of the forthcoming book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, I had the chance to read a pre-publication copy of the manuscript, and I recommend it highly. The book is well-written, engaging, informative, and thought-provoking. It is unusual for two pyschologists to write so well for the general public, without talking down to them and without being too academic. Raising Cain reviews the latest research about boys, gives rich and poignant anecdotes, offers a profound understanding of the depth of situation for boys in our society, and makes helpful suggestions for parents and teachers. Raising Cain covers a wide range of topics, from boys' emotional lives (the way they are untrained in reading and expressing emotions) to their early school years (which the authors refer to as "thorns among roses," referring to the way boys often fail to fit in or thrive in early elementary school) to the role of mothers (who try hard to stay connected to their sons in the face of overwhelming pressures on boys to separate) and the role of fathers (too often absent, at least emotionally, from the lives of sons). Another chapter discusses the fact that boys are more likely to be subjected to harsh discipline, and offers a variety of alternatives. There are also chapters on boys and romance, alcohol and drug use, depression and withdrawal. My favorite chapter, and the one that distinguishes this book from other recent books about boys, is on 'the culture of cruelty,' about what boys do to each other, espcially in early adolescence. Despite many efforts by paretns and educators, boys attack each other physically and emotionally, enforcing narrow definitions of masculinity and sexuality, leaving many boys scarred guarded, and lonely. The unique perspective of Raising Cain is that boys, for many reasons, impose these conditions on each other--it doesn't all come from the media or the broader culture. Several recent books have covered roughly similar territory, with a shared concern for the welfare of boys. Unlike Michael Gurian's book, Raising Cain rejects the idea that the 'boy-brain' is somehow ill-equipped to handle emotions. Though boys' biology does play a role, its contribution to boys clipped, withdrawn style is small compared to the role of socialization--boys are systematically pressured to shut down and shut others out. Unlike William Pollack's book, Raising Cain does not argue that mothers abandon their sons prematurely--rather, Kindlon and Thompson argue that the culture drives them apart, while most mothers strive mightily to stay connected, and keep trying even when they are confused and bewildered. Meanwhile, they describe boys having a 'hole in their soul' from their lack of a close emotional connection with men, starting with their fathers. I understand that Raising Cain will be available in early April--it is worth the wait.