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24 of 25 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A great tool for self-discovery & managing your marriage, October 11, 2003
This book is a great tool for self-discovery & managing your marriage. The jacket describes it as "suggesting a way to live that is balanced between the adaptive attitude of the homemaker of the fifties and the aggressive woman of the eighties . . . it explores the unfulfilled promises of liberation and the personal disappointments many women have suffered in their quests for independence . . .it shows today's woman how to embrace her feminity and how to expand her capacity for love and bonding."This book,better than any other I have read, addresses the true desires of today's woman in relation to men (feeling important, valued, special,feminine), how to achieve it (no one likes a shrew, acknowledge the needs of men, find fulfillment in your own identity) and why the independence that so attacts men SEEMS to ultimately turn them off. Some of the "lies of liberation" include the idea that women and men are the same sexually and emotionally, that Doing is better than Being, and the idea that to be feminine is to be weak. As a single daughter of a single mother, you can bet I was not terribly open to hearing about my own weakness or shortcomings. I always said I didn't need or want a man. But as I realized that was not true, I also did not want to be mistreated or lose my identity. This book showed me that uncommited sex truly did not meet my wants,because what I wanted was a committed relationship that would lead to marriage. Accepting less made me feel devalued and dependent. To Be A Woman is to accept your femininity identity by Being (a hard concept I know) instead of defining yourself through what you own or do.This femininity attracts men who want to lead and protect - something women are dying to have but never seem to find. Then, when your man does something boneheaded (as he will sooner or later)your femininity allows you to "rise above" petty arguments to see the larger picture of a relationship where your husband is your hero, the man that you admire and trust. The independence that so attracts men does not ultimately turn men off. Part of what turns them off is that most women have a horror of needing anyone.Needing someone seems to imply weakness and dependence.Sooner or later,most women start to feel that they are vulnerable to this dependence and do something to "prove" their independence by picking up the check,driving the car,opening their own door,etc.Let's face it,if these acts are so meaningless,why do women run to doors,yank them open and say, "I can do it myself!".Repeated acts like this show a man he is not needed,that the woman cannot give up the appearance of power or control to gain the true balance of give and take. No one,including men, likes someone who is so jealous of control that they cannot give up the minor things that allow a man to feel he is trusted,needed and important. I was astonished to discover that MY ATTITUDE had a tremendous effect on my husband's behavior.When I argued,proved my point or "defended myself verbally" my husband would INVARIABLY argue back,shut down and become intractable in his opinion.Whereas if I allowed him to express his ideas (without name calling or expletives,those are walk-away situations)without my becoming inflamed,he usually became willing to listen to my short,to-the-point responses.My calmness would transmit to him and almost always defuses his anger.This is behavior I would have previously perceived as "weak" because it seems passive. But it is not.To choose behavior that attains the desired result is a powerful,active behavior. To be able to radiate calm in stressful situations, to control my own (sometimes petty) behavior, to choose a life that fulfills my needs without expecting my husband to be the "end all, be all" that many books espouse - these are the things this book has helped me move toward. I very much recommed this book for both single and married women for discovering your own motivations and behaviors that keep you from having the inner calmness and peace most of us desire.
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by Marie Forleo
by Sherry Argov
