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According to authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, the rules of a happy marriage are often very different from the rules a single woman should follow in order to get hitched in the first place. In their phenomenally successful dating guide,
The Rules, Fein and Schneider urged single women to adopt a strategy of denial--don't call him, don't be too available, don't sleep with him early on. In marriage, however, it seems the rules have drastically changed. He wants sex? Give it to him. He doesn't want to talk? So be it. He wants to go to the game and you don't? Shut up and go. As Schneider stated in a promotional TV interview, "It's not about being right--it's about what works."
If you operate on the premise that most of the emotional work in a marriage is the responsibility of the woman, and that any marriage is preferable to no marriage at all, then this book is for you. "The fact is, to be happily married, a woman sometimes needs to treat her husband like a client or customer whom they want to keep happy (let him be right)," the authors write. "You're probably thinking, 'Why can't it be equal?' Why doesn't he have to do all the things you're suggesting, like 'Don't say the first mean word or make up first?' Our answer is because that is the way it is." For women who work hard in demanding jobs and then come home to manage children and a household, learning that they should completely put aside their needs, yet "continue to be a creature like any other," will not only come as a shock, but as an insult as well.
To be fair, some of the 43 rules in the book are the kind of useful common sense that would benefit any partnership. Untold numbers of marriage experts have been dishing out this kind of advice for years--say what you mean but don't say it meanly, be supportive, and don't nag. Fortunately, if lowering your expectations and letting your hubby win (Rules 5 and 9) don't work, the book also includes rules for divorce and second marriages. --Marianne Painter
From Publishers Weekly
For faithful followers of the The Rules, the authors of that wildly popular dating manual now provide a lifelong "maintenance" plan that is, more rules on how to hang onto husbands once they've been nabbed. Rule 36 ("It's easier to stay married than to get married") sums up their strategy. But many women will wonder about the payoff in marriage as depicted here, which for women involves being someone else's cheerleader for life, expecting neither sympathy nor applause for doing the chores and not forcing one's husband to talk, on the premise that men are from Mars. Even common-sense advice such as keep up your own interests and give him time alone when he comes home sounds callow in Fein and Schneider's hands. At least they don't pretend there's anything new in these "time-tested" rules. Other familiar fare includes scheduling a date night and reminders not to nag or to try to be a superwoman. Some of the original rules, like the one about having "long hair," are included. Others may be unpleasant for some readers: do things you don't want to do, like go to football games or see his family. The rules are clear on the subject of fidelity: the marriage is over if the husband cheats even once. Perhaps because of the disclosure of coauthor Fein's recent divorce, the book also covers the dos and don'ts of divorce have dignity and date ASAP and second marriages. (June) Forecast: Despite its arguably retrograde stance, this guide is as golden as a wedding band. The media has already begun to roll in though much has been related to Fein's divorce. But "Rules girls" will still flock to the author tour venues in five cities, and countless brides or brides-to-be will receive the book as a gift, serious or otherwise.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
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