Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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157 of 170 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
These books are not as horrible as you think, April 8, 2000
By A Customer
As someone who considers herself a highly intelligent, well-educated individual, I originally turned up my nose at these "manipulative" Rules, claiming, after having read the first book, that they would only work on a certain, superficial type of man. But let me tell you what I've discovered - acting as if you like yourself and your life and that you are just as happy without a man as with one is the only way to ever really find happiness *with* one! Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider have been slammed for writing these books, when in actuality the message they are trying to get across is: "stop being so pathetic, stop sitting around daydreaming about how some guy will make your life perfect, because when you think that way, you're *bound* to end up looking needy and desperate!" I think the reason these books offended so many "feminists" is because even feminists act this way! Even the most intelligent, intellectual, well-educated women in the world doodle their first name with the dream guy's last name, daydream about their wedding, etc...yet hate it about themselves. The bottom line is, don't knock "The Rules" books just because they appear calculating and manipulative. Granted, there are brainless bimbos out there who follow the book to the letter without ever getting the greater message, whose only goal is getting a rich husband. But these books are also great "how-to" guides for those of us who *know* we have to stop being doormats and that we have a tendency to rationalize it by saying we're just "being open and honest". I also recommend "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves".
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21 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Clue for the Clueless, December 23, 1998
By A Customer
I have met, chased, been dumped twice by and finally caught by Mr Right. The first two times we dated, things would go well and then I'd start analysing and get clingy (as I did with all my relationships.) The first time he called the third time we dated (we dated and stopped dating THREE TIMES over four years)I had a copy of The Rules in front of me-- strangely opened to the page that said something to the effect of, "Don't be too excied when he calls. . . Get off the phone first-- you are busy and have a life!" I considered it destiny, said it was great hearing from him but that I was only home for a few minutes but had to run as I had an appointment. He asked me for dinner that weekend-- I said I was busy on Friday (I didn't tell him that I was doing laundry!)and he tied me down for Saturday. (Very Rules of me!)I enjoyed that date, and I wanted it to go on for forever. But the Rules said no-- end the evening first. I told him I was teaching Sunday school the next morning and had to be home by midnight for my beauty rest. He dropped me off and met me and my kids at the church the next morning. The date DID go on for Forever-- we married three months later. He later told me that when he called he had been thinking of me-- I was a nice, single mom with three terrific kids and he had decided that I was intellectually great as a friend but that I was too fragile for a romance. He planned on sowing the seeds for a gradual friendship to be built again, but that he was shocked that as needy as I had been, I was suddenly doing other things. He really liked this new woman and wanted to know me better, and he was suddenly having to work to get my attention! As recommended in the books, I decided to not call him if I didn't hear from him-- he didn't call me once for three days and I had made certain to make plans for the next weekend, so oh-well. I waited for him to make the moves. He did. If I had plans with the kids, he even offered to join us-- and he paid for all of us just to be "taking care of me." He worked a shift job the first two years after we wed, and I was always getting called every night he was gone. At a Christmas party everyone said how proud of me he was as he bragged about my community involvment and how he couldn't wait to come home to me. The Rules I & II advised me on how to act under difficult circumstances and I did them-- it is hard to not vomit your feelings out when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, but timing was crucial and as a result, he was happier and we couldn't wait for one another. HE will buy our daughters copies of both for their thirteenth birthdays and to encourage them to be active women with more than romance on their minds. Even when the hormones are screaming that a boy is the be-all/end-all, he'll have more to advise them with as far as saying, "You are worth more than this."
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19 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Smart Women, too, need The Rules!, November 24, 2004
This series of books has gotten some bad press for advocating behavior strategies that could be interpreted as manipulative. Some of the tactics seem questionable (hence the 4 stars and not 5). However, if you go beyond the specifics and see The Rules in context I think that the authors' advice seems more palatable and appropriate.
I think that the core readership the authors want to appeal to are those women who give of their time, energy, bodies and souls too soon and too freely, only to get hurt. Some of these women behave this way primarily out of neediness. The "get a life, develop some hobbies, make time for your friends" advice is targeted at such women. There is an additional not-so-obvious target group for these books. The large contingent of smart women who extend the "go for it" approach that has served them well in other areas of their lives to convince a man to fall in love with them, can also save themselves a great deal of hair-pulling by heeding Fein and Schneider.
It seems to me that the authors are trying to get across the message that you cannot coerce someone to fall in love with you. You need to take things slow and wait for signs of definite interest before investing your precious self in a relationship with him. Rules II outlines the specifics you need to look for and be aware of before you make any kind of committment to a potential significant other.
Now an obvious question arises from this credo. What if HE too takes the responsive role in a relationship? The Rules authors counter this argument in the first book proclaiming that men who wait for the woman to take the first move continue this trend into the relationship. After reading The Rules books, I too have observed this. Fein and Schneider are very upfront about not having being trained in therapy; their book is purely based on anecdotal evidence. This commonsense (grandma?) psychology is surprisingly effective once you understand the spirit of what the authors are trying to convey and not get bogged down in their sometimes questionable tactics.
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by Sherry Argov
