Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours (Mass Market Paperback)

by Daphne Rose Kingma (Author) "ENDING A RELATIONSHIP IS SO PAINFUL and makes us feel so awful-bad, hopeless, inadequate, desperate, lost, lonely, and worthless-that most of us are afraid we..." (more)
Key Phrases: emotional resolution, Postscript Relationship, Poison Pen Letter, Sour Grapes Inventory

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review
Clearly, one of the most complicated and devastating experiences of life, next to the death of a loved one, is the death of a relationship. Daphne Rose Kingma offers a process and a way of examining relationships that is not only healing and helpful through the process and after, but provides the basis for using the breakup of a relationship to become stronger and more able to love again. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review
Daphne Rose Kingma writes with such elegance that she could turn 'self-help' into a literary genre. --L.A. Weekly

Thought-provoking perspectives on relationships. --News Tribune --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

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Product Details

• Mass Market Paperback: 208 pages
• Publisher: Fawcett (December 27, 1988)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0449216616
• ISBN-13: 978-0449216613
• Product Dimensions: 6.5 x 4 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 3.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars See all reviews (43 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #727,521 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

42 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The best in class, September 18, 2000

By A Customer

I read an older edition of this book about 7 years ago when my marriage was ending. I have tons of self-help books on my shelves from that period in my life. One of the reviews below panned this book because he/she thought it would be horrible for someone who was 'on the fence' about ending a relationship. I don't think this is the book for that type of person - there are plenty of others out there for someone who wants to try to salvage their relationship. This book is for someone who has done everything they can to keep things together or to feel the same love (or ANY love) for the person they once cared for, but they don't. Or it's for the person who has been dumped and has tried everything to get their love back but can't. It's over. Now what can you do to accept and understand it? This book will help you to understand why the relationship ended and why you two got together in the first place. It's a wonderful book for that purpose and I would recommend it to anyone who's going through the pain of a breakup.

32 of 32 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Prerequisite reading for *beginning* a relationship!, February 22, 2004

By	CS "cinn001" (Bay area, Northern CA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours (Paperback)

I think each new relationship would benefit so much if all parties were to read this before going IN! Kingma challenges us to look at the myth that relationships "should last forever" --and consequently why our self-esteem takes such a beating when they actually don't! (Surprise!) Her basic premise is that relationships are a series of processes by which we complete developmental tasks in our life journey of self-discovery/creation. Case studies illustrate how this plays out in the various ways.

From reading this book, I gained much comfort and understanding about my present-coming-apart-relationship. Although I initiated it, I was feeling much pain. The clarity that I gained--about why we choose the partners we do--helped to stop the angst. Such gems of simple yet profound wisdom: "Love...does not conquer all. Real love, enduring love...is the quiet recognition and ongoing appreciation of another person, the experience of continually sharing what is important to you."

The chapters on pampering yourself, and the rituals for completion are absolutely valuable!

I feel heartened and strengthened by her words in the chapter "Is there Love After Love?": "Eventually we all get to the place where--except for fine-tunings and refinements-we have learned pretty much who we are. We have sorted out our preferences from the vast number of possibilities we all have as human beings, and we know what we want to spend our lives doing..."

"...You will love and have a happy life with the person whose looks, nature, habits, preferences, values and priorities call forth the truest expression of yourself, the person who invites you to blossom and grow."

This book is kind of a condensed version of the "Future of Love" which I also highly recommend. (I bought several copies of each of these to share with friends.)

25 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars One of the Best, January 20, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours (Paperback)

Of all the books I've read on divorce and separation, this was the first to make me feel okay about the end of my marriage - the first to make me realize that even though I could have been a better partner it wasn't all my fault, or all his, even though he was the one who left.

Sometimes we get out of a relationship what we needed at the time, and then when that stage of our personal development has been completed, we no longer need that particular partner, and we find out that the partnership is empty and lifeless. We see that really we have very little to say to each other, no shared activities or common values or intellectual affinities, and no real connection is happening.

The book does not gloss over the pain and confusion of a separation, but it does take away some of the self-doubt and self-blame that come with it. If you are ready to accept the fact that your marriage or relationship is really over, then this is the book for you.