Not to People Like Us : Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages (Hardcover)

~ (Author) "SALLY, A PRETTY, EDUCATED, FORTY-EIGHT-YEAR-OLD HOMEMAKER, had told no one about the violence that existed within her seemingly happy marriage..." (more)
Key Phrases: upscale violence, upscale abused wife, upscale wife, Lewis Okun, New York, United States (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Chicago's affluent North Shore provides 20-year veteran psychotherapist Weitzman with abundant evidence of the secret lives of "upscale domestic abusers" and their victim-wives. Shattering the cultural myth that emotional and physical violence in the home is confined to couples of a lower socioeconomic class, the author presents vivid case histories that are often excluded from clinical studies and statistics. Lacking a frame of reference for domestic violence in this echelon, health-care professionals ignore the signs, while law enforcement agents and judges go easy on it, she contends. Few believe or sympathize with a well-dressed, bejeweled woman if she finds the courage and self-respect to speak out against her successful, respected, powerful and often charming husband, while battered women's shelters turn her away, assuming that she has many other resources. But according to Weitzman, she doesn't. While often well educated and successful, the "upscale abused woman" is typically ignorant of her legal rights, convinced by her abuser that she is responsible for his behavior and isolated by her denial and shame from validating voices and potential assistance. Weitzman's upscale abuser exhibits Narcissistic Personality Disorder, feels eminently entitled and is incapable of seeing his wife as a person in her own right. Weitzman provides excellent practical advice for these women to make choices that extricate them from abuse, and proposes a new language and better education regarding "upscale violence" for the professionals who are likely to see it in their work.
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

Weitzman, a professor of social work, coined the phrase "upscale violence" for domestic abuse among the affluent, something that has been ignored and denied in research on the subject. Nationwide, four million women each year are victims of domestic violence, an unknown proportion of them from families with household incomes of $100,000 or more, according to Weitzman. In her 23 years of mental health practice, she noted the silence surrounding upscale violence. Affluent women are less likely to be assisted by police, courts, and counselors, because of the widely held belief that domestic violence doesn't occur among the well to do. But Weitzman interviewed 14 women, aged 24 to 62, for this revealing look at upscale violence. She recalls a client who went to domestic violence court in a fur coat, standing among lower income sister-complainants. Her case wasn't taken as seriously, though, like the others, she had a black eye. Weitzman looks at patterns of abuse and coping strategies and how abuse among the affluent differs from that of the more widely researched abuse among lower income families. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Basic Books (September 5, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0465090737
• ISBN-13: 978-0465090730
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.1 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #1,445,196 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Thank you, Dr Weitzman!!!, September 9, 2001

By	Janet (USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: "Not to People Like Us": Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages (Paperback)

This book came into my life exactly when I needed it! Susan Weitzman's discussion of the abuse in up-scale marriages was exactly what I needed to help me cope and understand what was happening in my divorce to a multimillionaire. After 16 years of abuse, my decision to leave my husband was only the beginning of a nightmare. His threats to ruin me, take our child, destroy my life, were combined with illegal wiretapping of my computer and legal maneuvering to ensure I could not leave. Added to this were multiple mistresses and hidden bank accounts. Susan's book is excellent reading for anyone going through a divorce to a wealthy emotional/physically abusive man. It should be required reading for divorce lawyers and judges.

19 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars "Every 12 seconds": Domestic Violence (upscale, too), October 24, 2000

By	Laure-Madeleine (NYC) - See all my reviews

"Upscale violence": a term coined by Dr. Susan Weitzman, a practicing psychotherapist in Chicago, refers to the often hidden physical and/or emotional abuse that is endured by married women of means. In her groundbreaking, well-referenced study: "Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages," Dr. Weitzman focuses a narrow lens. She offers a unique contribution to the literature on domestic violence: her work is based on many years of experience, both working in women's shelters and counseling battered wives. Through a combination of case studies of these poignant yet punished women of means and a rigorous analysis and review of the extant literature on domestic violence, Dr. Weitzman presents and proves a powerful thesis. She debunks the myth that conjugal abuse correlates with lower-class status, and, at the same time, deflects the hostility that some of her peers have heaped on her for selecting this particular population. "A unique aspect of this book is the 'inclusionary' dimension of targeting battered women of means. . . .[which] is not a claim that this population needs special attention," says Dr. Weitzman, but "[r]ather it is an attempt at 'specifically' including upscale wives who have been overlooked in the larger group of abused women."

Who are these women? They are well educated, with at least a bachelor's degree; they live in the top 25% of this country's neighborhoods; they see themselves as upper-middle-class or upper-class; and their combined marital income exceeds $100,000.00. While Dr. Weitzman delineates the "typical profile" of the upscale abusive husband, she does not indulge in male-battering. She correctly identifies domestic violence as a systemic problem. The appendices of her book: "Are You an Abused Woman?," "Traits of an Abusive Man," "Early Warning Signs," and "Domestic Violence Resources" are reason alone for its purchase. Therefore, this book belongs in every library, women's shelter, emergency room, and psychotherapist's office.

Notwithstanding the strengths of Dr. Weitzman's book and her contribution to the literature on domestic violence, as an editor, I feel compelled to offer some constructive criticism. "Not to People Like Us" lacks organization. In an effort to make the book dramatic (and it is a quick read), the case studies are interwoven with history, theory, flowcharts, classical mythology, and psychoanalysis; thus, it is difficult to follow the thread of each woman's life. A more traditional approach of formally presenting the case studies at the beginning of the book, so that the reader can refer back to them as needed, would help. Also, Dr. Weitzman limited her population to fourteen women, which is a very small sample; however, she clearly and convincingly states her reason for so doing. Finally, the careful reader will find the Notes, References, and Index to be littered with distracting errors; such is often the case when a dissertation manuscript is rushed into publication. It is hard to discern which style manual was followed, if any, (e.g., "The Chicago Manual of Style" or the "APA Manual"). (There are also a few places in the text that need copyediting, but I hesitate to comment on them because I make typos in almost every review.)

Another important new book which confronts the reality of domestic violence is "But I Love Him," by Dr. Jill Murray. Dr. Murray focuses on abusive controlling patterns of behavior in boyfriends toward their teenaged girlfriends. This book dovetails well with Dr. Weitzman's book because it also looks toward prevention of abuse. To be truly informed about this societal ill, one must also read books by psychologist Lenore Walker: "Battered Woman" and "The Battered Woman Syndrome." These books introduce the concept of the three-stage cycle of violence: the tension-building stage; the explosive stage; and the honeymoon stage (a stage which Dr. Weitzman found does not exist in upscale violence).

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Right on the mark!!!!, March 2, 2001

By	Eileen Linowitz (California) - See all my reviews

I wish Not To People Like Us had been written nine years ago;I think my self-esteem, my daughter, and myself would have been spared much pain. Dr. Weitzman's book is inspirational and demonstrates considerable caring for the women she has worked with. As a social scientist myself, I found her research to be original and hopefully the start of more work in this area, too little examined thusfar. The insightful explanations of why women such as myself stay in abusive relationships and theoretical exploration of abusive husbands (suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder)help make sense of how I could have stayed in my my marriage and how men such as my ex-husband could treat their wives so cruelly. It has been a long road back recovering from the abuse that I thought(at the time)was only happening to me. I felt quite alone and isolated and, as Dr. Weitzman aptly described it, had no one to validate my feelings or encourage me to leave. This book should be given to every daughter and, perhpaps to every young son to read. I found it to be a fresh, profoundly moving, well-written and informative book, long overdue.