You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- An 8-Step Program (Paperback)

by Suzette Haden Elgin (Author) "What is THIS supposed to be?" Jerry demanded, holding his fork out in front on him like a spear..." (more)
Key Phrases: verbal violence loop, verbal victims, verbal victim role, Miller's Law, Boring Baroque Response, Miss Carter (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Culling source material from her years of linguistic practice and training, Elgin (Genderspeak) offers an accessible, extremely pragmatic approach to verbal abuse. With many broad-minded and tactful suggestions for everyday use, this is an excellent resource. Through exercises and journal-writing, Elgin encourages reader to eradicate "toxic" language. She offers various tools like "Miller's Law," which requires the listener to assume initially that whatever the speaker says is true-rather than the all-to-frequent assumption to the contrary. Elgin is objective, rehearsing the perspectives of both people in a possibly hostile exchange and reminding readers that everyone has the potential to be a verbal abuser, victim or witness. If there is a weakness, it is that while Elgin confronts the verbal abuser's tactics, her methods seem to emphasize placating abusers and rewarding them with the attention they crave.
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Product Description
You can’t say that to me! "Can’t you do anything right?" "I can’t believe you would feed that junk to your child!" "What is this? And don’t tell me it’s a casserole, I already know that." "If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t behave this way." Sound familiar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of very unpleasant language from those who are closest to us—spouses, employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use of unanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm, insinuations, and even icy silence is more than simply unpleasant; it is abusive, destructive, and frequently leads to escalating arguments and physical violence. Suzette Haden Elgin, creator of the "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," has developed a unique and revolutionary way to break the cycle of verbal violence and eliminate it from your life—without ruining your marriage, risking your job, or alienating friends or loved ones. Dr. Elgin shows you how to neutralize verbal attacks and discourage future abuse with:

• An 8-step program that helps you recognize the patterns of verbal abuse
• Specific language techniques that enable you to avoid escalating arguments and break the cycle of abuse using skills you already possess
• Questionnaires and diaries that help you analyze abusive situations, evaluate your responses to them, and track your progress

In this book Dr. Elgin proves that verbal abuse is not caused by human nature, but by language. She helps you discover that you are an expert in your own language, already highly qualified to solve this problem for yourself, quickly and forever.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: Wiley; 1 edition (February 16, 1995)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0471003999
• ISBN-13: 978-0471003991
• Product Dimensions: 8.8 x 5.9 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars See all reviews (35 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #128,876 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

48 of 49 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A solid guide, August 22, 2001

By	Sir Bowen (Houston, TX USA) - See all my reviews

Elgin states in the beginning of this book that this is the work that her whole "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" series has been building up to. I would agree, in that this is a solid guide for those suffering from verbal abuse.

There's nothing in this book that will make you jump up and shout "Eureka! That's the solution!" But the truth is that there probably is no such solution.

What you WILL get from the book is a practical framework that you can build on to improve the situation. And, almost as important, to help you avoid the trial-and-error of trying out ways that don't really help in the long run.

I might have given this book 4 stars, but one other thing makes me push it up to 5: the attitude the book encourages toward the verbal abuser. Other books for victims of verbal abuse engender a lot of negative feelings, sometimes to the point of hate-mongering. This book, however, helps you manage the situation without encouraging ill-will.

46 of 47 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars There is hope for your relationship, February 25, 1999

By A Customer

I was caught in the verbal abuse cycle with my husband and had no way to get out. I blamed him and was miserable. This book brought me to a new level of accoutability and gave me hope for my relationship. I just kept thinking, wow! if I can just follow these 8 steps, I can totally transform our relationship, and it is true! The most uplifting, empowering book on abuse I have ever read. This is a must have book for any relationship!

33 of 33 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars To review this book you need to read it., January 19, 2004

By A Customer

From reading the reviews, some of the reviewers haven't read the book, it is obvious. Many of the complaints actually agree with the perspective of the book.

For example someone complains that the book is about "mastery of slick responses to throw the attacker off guard." That is not what the book is about. None of the responses are slick, none of the responses have to do with throwing anyone off guard. None of them are about fighting, instead they are all about relationships.

Or the complaint that Elgin simplifies it all to "the pain is all in your head" -- Elgin is one of the few people who really believes that verbal abuse can kill you and it is terrible to have to endure. She never simplifies it to "it is all in your head, you can just learn to ignore it" -- in fact she teaches the exact opposit.

I think that many of the reviewers are just reacting against books in this genre -- the same reason that Elgin wrote the one great book of its kind for normal people trying to deal with these problems while in the midst of them (her other books deal with related issues, but this one book is for the non-professional in real life home situations).

What she does is go over how you can deal with abuse from people who are not mentally ill and with whom you deal in day to day and family relationships -- all recognizing that verbal abuse is a feedback loop, something many people do not know. The books teach how you can dampen the feedback loop instead of intensifing it, and by dampening it, control and remove it from relationships.

My mother found this book invaluable for dealing with some people who had her at her wits end.

Consider that when there is abuse in a situation not controlled by mental illness you can do one of two things: you can intensify the situation or you can defuse it. Elgin, in an eight step program of solid steps and approaches, goes over how to train yourself to recognize and defuse verbal violence without blaming yourself and without minimizing the harm that verbal abuse causes people.

The techniques work. Over forty years of implementation and practice demonstrate that they work. In my practice I've given about fifty or more copies of her books for that very reason. The thing that marks this book from all of her others is that it is a program for teaching normal human beings how to use the techniques and how to escape the prison of abusive verbal loops that can destroy otherwise valuable relationships.

If there is hope, then this is the book.