The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Hardcover)

by Beverly Engel (Author) "No matter what Tracey does, she just can't seem to please her boyfriend..." (more)
Key Phrases: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Step Four (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal
According to therapist Engel (Partners in Recovery), "even the most loving person" is capable of emotional abuse-that is, "any non-physical behavior designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate." In a reasoned, sensible tone, she encourages readers to become responsible for their behavior and for changing it. Identified are ten "patterns of abuse" (verbal assault, character assassination, etc), different kinds of abusive relationships, action steps for cessation, and suggestions for recovery. Using dense writing and cogent examples, Engel clearly shows how this type of abuse, either intentional or unconscious, leads to low self-esteem and misery for one or both partners. A difficult and draining yet important read for those who suspect that their relationship has entered abusive territory, this book is highly recommended. For books on remedying less severe marital stresses, try Howard Markman and others' hokey but well-intentioned Fighting for Your Marriage.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Review
According to therapist Engel (The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How To Stop Being Abused and How To Stop Abusing), "even the most loving person" is capable of emotional abuse-that is, "any non-physical behavior designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate." In a reasoned, sensible tone, she encourages readers to become responsible for their behavior and for changing it. Identified are ten "patterns of abuse" (verbal assault, character assassination, etc.), different kinds of abusive relationships, action steps for cessation, and suggestions for recovery. Using dense writing and cogent examples, Engel clearly shows how this type of abuse, either intentional or unconscious leads to low self-esteem and misery for one or both partners. A difficult and draining yet important read for those who suspect that their relationship has entered abusive territory, this book is highly recommended. (Library Journal, September 15, 2002)

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Wiley; 1 edition (August 16, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0471212970
• ISBN-13: 978-0471212973
• Product Dimensions: 9.5 x 6.3 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars See all reviews (28 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #627,719 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

75 of 77 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars great book even if the relationship has ended, January 11, 2005

By	merlot (Texas) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Paperback)

I had a very turbulent relationship and it was nothing like I'd every experienced. It left me feeling sad and depleted BUT I wouldn't let it go no matter what friends an family said or even what I knew I should do. We rarely had intimacy and I always felt guilty and like I needed to care for this person often at my own expense. When the relationship finally ended he was verbally abusive and threatened me (though not specifically) and said that I was going to pay for how I treated him.

I bought this book after the relationship ended in an effort to understand what happened. As I read this book I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had been emotionally abused. Since the relationship had ended the most helpful aspects for me were reflecting and understanding what happened and learning to let go of the guilt I always felt even about the relationship ending and me not wanting to have this person in my life.

I recommend this book. I'm not completely healed from it all but it has helped me understand things a lot more and helped me to move in a more positive direction in my life. I also appreciated the signs to spot an abuser so I can avoid that type of a relationship again.

58 of 59 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally, Help for the ABUSER!, January 10, 2007

By	John A. Ardelli - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Paperback)

When I recently discovered I had some emotionally abusive tendencies, I wanted to do something to STOP. The problem was, every resource I could find on abusive relationships was aimed at helping the VICTIM and painted the abuser as an incorrigible monster beyond redemption. They all just said to the victim: "Get out now! He'll never change." Now, I'm sure in some cases that's true, but I don't believe it's ALWAYS true. I think that, sometimes, an abuser CAN change if he's willing, and I was.

What *I* needed was a resource for the ABUSER. Something that would help me and my partner work TOGETHER in HELPING me. Something to help us figure out WHY I was acting the way I was acting and to change it. However, as far as I could tell, such a resource didn't seem to exist.

That was until my partner found this book for me. I was ASTONISHED at what I saw. This was the first book I've ever seen that actually tackles abuse from the perspective, not of dissolving the relationship and allowing the victim to escape, but of trying to REBUILD an abuse-damaged relationship and reestablish a healthy foundation for it to continue.

This book paints the abuser, not as a horrible monster, but as a Human being who has simply made mistakes. This book tell you, IF you're willing to made an HONEST EFFORT to change, you CAN, and an abuse damaged relationship CAN be saved, provided BOTH parties are willing to WORK towards that goal.

This book gives hope to BOTH: victim AND abuser.

It's absolutely AMAZING. I STRONGLY recommend it for ANYONE who is in an abusive relationship, particularly if you'd rather work it out than split up. If your relationship can be saved, this book will tell you how. If it's beyond saving, this book will help you recognize that and give you the tools you need to get out and move on. Either way, it addresses BOTH sides of the relationship in a way no other book or resource I've ever seen does and I feel, on that basis, it's probably the strongest self-help resource I've EVER seen on relationship abuse.

41 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Guide for Those Suffering The Pain of Abuse, March 8, 2003

By	Lynn Dudenhoefer (Plymouth, MN United States) - See all my reviews

I could not put this book down. Most "self-help" books lay on my shelf half read, but this one was a real page turner. The author does an excellent job describing the forms of emotional abuse and helps you understand the dynamics behind it. She also provides helpful information in the book for the abuser. The best part of her book is the information she provides at the end of the book for changing your life so you can begin to seek out healthy relationships. She provides concrete, tangible things you can do to help raise your self-esteem and to identify the warning signs in possible abusers!