Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself [Hardcover]

Beverly Engel (Author)

Editorial Reviews

Review

"In Loving Him Without Losing You Beverly Engel offers powerful wisdom and insight concerning the age-old problem of women losing themselves in their relationships with men. Unlike so many others, Beverly doesn't take the easy way out by blaming men but instead explores the phenomenon from a biological, cultural, and psychological perspective and offers women empowering suggestions about how to take responsibility for changing their situations." -- Patti McDermott, author of How to Talk to Your Husband; How to Talk to Your Wife

"Loving Him Without Losing You is a wonderful resource and guide to finding oneself and tapping into creativity as a part of one's foundation for a life well lived. I recommend it highly." -- Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D.,author of Visioning: Ten Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams and The Creative Journal

"This is a book of depth and power. I highly recommend it not only to women who lose themselves in their relationships with men but to the parents of adolescent girls who need to be taught how to view themselves as valuable beings separate from their relationships with men and boys." -- Michael Gurian, author of The Good Son and A Fine Young Man

"This remarkably helpful book offers new insights into why so many women surrender their individuality in relationships. Its strategies for relating fulfillingly can rescue even the most vulnerable woman from sacrificing herself on the altar of love. Don't wait until your hair is on fire to read it." -- Maxine Schnall, founder and executive director of Wives' Self Help, the first marital hotline in America, and author of Limits and Every Woman Can Be Adored

"When I was in college, we were all Disappearing Women. We didn't even think about it; that's just the way things were. Some of us grew out of it; some didn't. If we all had had this book, our lives might have turned out much differently. Buy this book so you can become your authentic self." -- Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells

A terrific book, written with authority and sensitivity to men as well as women--full of useful, fresh information. -- Bradley Gerstman, Esq., Christopher Pizzo, CPA, and Rich Seldes, M.D., authors of What Men Want and Marry Me!

Again, Beverly Engel has identified a widespread problem and provided women with wise guidelines for bursting through it. She writes with compassion and insight. If you think you are a 'disappearing woman, you will drink in this book as if it were a health-giving elixir. It is! -- Susan Page, author of How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together and If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

An abundant supply of useful strategies. Unique for its readers. -- Sheila A. Rogovin, Ph.D., psychotherapist and coauthor of Couple Fits: How to Live with the Person You Love

Groundbreaking, provocative, and substantial, this book will light the fire of every woman who seeks true intimacy and strength." -- Salli Rasberry, coauthor of Living Your Life Out Loud

Loving Him without Losing You is a powerful and practical guide to relationships that every woman should read!" -- Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author of Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know and Are You the One for Me?

This book clearly explains why so many women find themselves in fantasy marriages and romances with real men. Beverly Engel urges women to think, evaluate, and risk rejection before they repeatedly jump into the same trap. In a gentle voice, she offers commonsense guidelines for telling the truth, learning to trust perceptions, and using solitude. -- Evelyn Streit Cohen, M.S., M.A., marriage and family therapist and coauthor of Couple Fits: How to Live with the Person You Love

This book clearly explains why so many women find themselves in fantasy marriages and romances with real men. Beverly Engel urges women to think, evaluate, and risk rejection before they repeatedly jump into the same trap. In a gentle voice, she offers commonsense guidelines for telling the truth, learning to trust perceptions, and using solitude. --(Evelyn Streit Cohen, M.S., M.A., marriage and family therapist and coauthor of Couple Fits: How to Live with the Person You Love)

A terrific book, written with authority and sensitivity to men as well as women--(.full of useful, fresh information.--(Bradley Gerstman, Esq., Christopher Pizzo, CPA, and Rich Seldes, M.D., authors of What Men Want and Marry Me!)

"Groundbreaking, provocative, and substantial, this book will light the fire of every woman who seeks true intimacy and strength."--(Salli Rasberry, coauthor of Living Your Life Out Loud)

An abundant supply of useful strategies . Unique for its readers--(Sheila A. Rogovin, Ph.D., psychotherapist and coauthor of Couple Fits: How to Live with the Person You Love)

Again, Beverly Engel has identified a widespread problem and provided womenwith wise guidelines for bursting through it. She writes with compassion and insight. If you think you are a 'disappearing woman, you will drink in this book as if it were a health-giving elixir. It is!--(Susan Page, author of How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together and If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?)

"Loving Him without Losing You is a powerful and practical guide to relationships that every woman should read!"--(Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author of Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know and Are You the One for Me?)

"This is a book of depth and power. I highly recommend it not only to women who lose themselves in their relationships with men but to the parents of adolescent girls who need to be taught how to view themselves as valuable beings separate from their relationships with men and boys."--(Michael Gurian, author of The Good Son and A Fine Young Man)

"When I was in college, we were all Disappearing Women. We didn't even think about it; that's just the way things were. Some of us grew out of it; some didn't. If we all had had this book, our lives might have turned out much differently. Buy this book so you can become your authentic self."--(Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells)

"In Loving Him Without Losing You Beverly Engel offers powerful wisdom and insight concerning the age-old problem of women losing themselves in their relationships with men. Unlike so many others, Beverly doesn't take the easy way out by blaming men but instead explores the phenomenon from a biological, cultural, and psychological perspective and offers women empowering suggestions about how to take responsibility for changing their situations."--(Patti McDermott, author of How to Talk to Your Husband; How to Talk to Your Wife)

"Loving Him Without Losing You is a wonderful resource and guide to finding oneself and tapping into creativity as a part of one's foundation for a life well lived. I recommend it highly."--(Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D.,author of Visioning: Ten Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams andThe Creative Journal)

Product Description

Do you frequently find yourself putting your lover’s needs ahead of your own? Do you tend to lose yourself in your romantic relationships? Have you ever neglected your career, your friends, or even your health while in the midst of a love affair?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are not alone. As with millions of women who are otherwise strong and independent, the dream of a loving, intimate relationship may often seduce you into sacrificing crucial parts of your identity—whether it’s your social life, your time alone, your spiritual practice, or your beliefs and values.

Now, in this landmark book, internationally acclaimed psychotherapist Beverly Engel dispels the silence surrounding the Disappearing Woman Syndrome. Although the Disappearing Woman—one who loses herself in her romantic relationships—is widely thought to be a throwback, in fact, more than seventy-five percent of all women today are affected by this pervasive and disturbing syndrome. Loving Him without Losing You presents the first compelling, contemporary examination of the intricate reasons why so many women submerge themselves in their relationships with men—and offers a straight-forward program that women can use to free themselves from the powerful grip of this all-too-common problem.

Drawing on her twenty-five years of experience counseling women and families, Engel weaves together an insightful and provocative examination of the biological, cultural, and psychological influences on both sexes, giving us an astonishing look at what predisposes so many women to disappear in their relationships. She also outlines a complete program featuring dozens of empowering exercises and proactive steps along with several quizzes to determine if and to what degree you suffer from the Disappearing Woman Syndrome—all to help you rediscover yourself as a Woman of Substance.

Among the strategies in this book are the SEVEN COMMITMENTS Disappearing Women must make in order to maintain their sense of self in relationships:

• Learn to go slow
• Be yourself and tell the truth about yourself
• Maintain a separate life
• Stay in the present and in reality
• Don’t go changing to try to please him
• Cultivate equal relationships
• Speak your mind

Rich with the vivid, illuminating, and inspiring stories of women of all ages and walks of life who have struggled against—and triumphed over—the Disappearing Woman Syndrome, Loving Him without Losing You is a remarkable book that has the power to dramatically change your life for the better.

Acclaim for Loving Him without Losing You

"This remarkably helpful book offers new insights into why so many women surrender their individuality in relationships. Its strategies for relating fulfillingly to a man can rescue even the most vulnerable woman from sacrificing herself on the altar of love. Don’t wait until your hair is on fire to read it."—Maxine Schnall, founder and Executive Director of Wives Self Help, the first marital hotline in America, and author of Limits and Every Woman Can Be Adored

"This book clearly explains why so many women find themselves in fantasy marriages and romances with real men. Beverly Engel urges women to think, evaluate, and risk rejection before they repeatedly jump into the same trap. In a gentle voice, she offers commonsense guidelines for telling the truth, learning to trust perceptions, and using solitude."—Evelyn Streit Cohen, M.S., M.A., marriage and family therapist and coauthor of Couple Fits: How to Live with the Person You Love

"This is a book of depth and power. I highly recommend it not only to women who lose themselves in their relationships with men but to the parents of adolescent girls who need to be taught how to view themselves as valuable beings separate from their relationships with men and boys."—Michael Gurian, author of The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men and A Fine Young Man

"A terrific book, written with authority and sensitivity to men as well as women. . . . Full of useful, fresh information."—Bradley Gerstman, Esq., Christopher Pizzo, C.P.A., and Rich Seldes, M.D., authors of What Men Want and Marry Me!

"When I was in college, we were all Disappearing Women . . . . If we all had had this book, our lives might have turned out much differently. Buy it for yourself or someone you love."—Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells

"Loving Him without Losing You is a wonderful resource and guide to finding oneself and to tapping into creativity as a part of one’s foundation for a life well lived."—Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D., author of Visioning: Ten Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams and The Creative Journal

"Powerful wisdom and insight . . . . Unlike so many others, Beverly Engel doesn’t take the easy way out by blaming men but instead she explores the phenomenon from a biological, cultural, and psychological perspective and offers women empowering suggestions as to how to take responsibility for changing their situation."—Patti McDermott, author of How to Talk to Your Husband, How to Talk to Your Wife

"Groundbreaking, provocative, and substantial, this book will light the fire of every woman who seeks true intimacy and strength."—Salli Rasberry, coauthor of Living Your Life Out Loud

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Wiley; 1 edition (April 7, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0471355585
• ISBN-13: 978-0471355588
• Product Dimensions: 9.6 x 6.4 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (17 customer reviews)
• Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #272,839 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

24 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The best book for creating healthy relationships!, July 26, 2000

By	Rosemary Amey (Toronto) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself (Hardcover)

Having had two failed marriages, I have read numerous books on relationships looking for answers. _Loving_Him_without_Losing_You_ has given me not only a much greater insight into why I have had such problems with men, but has also given me hope that the future can be very different.

Engel speaks to almost every woman, for almost no one has managed to escape the usual relationship "wisdom" in our culture of women "adapting" to meet their men's needs (by hiding accomplishments, giving up interests and friends if "he" doesn't like them, etc.). Engels gives us another, healthier way to build relationships, by staying true to our authentic selves. Ironically, this advice which is so contrary to what most of us learned is the *only* way to have a truly satisfying relationship--more satisfying for the man as well as the woman--as Engel convincingly argues.

Numerous exercises throughout the book help the reader discover her patterns, uncover issues from the past and work through them, and discover her authentic self. Engel also gives valuable information on creating a women's circle or support group, and finding a therapist if necessary.

A compassionate, intelligent, inspiring book. Read it! Buy it! Live it!

15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Loving Him without Losing You, March 3, 2001

By	Heidi (Dallas, TX) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Loving Him Without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself (Paperback)

I am sure that Beverly's book will prove helpful to any woman -or man- who reads it. After fourteen years with my husband,ten of which have been married, we were in a funk. After reading "Loving Him without Losing You," I learned how to ask for more; care for others more meaningfully; comfort myself more lovingly and stand against things that were not necessarily helpful. Our relationship has become much more nourishing. I highly recommend this book to every woman who wants to become more whole in her life. Thank you, Beverly!

15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Changing My Life, April 18, 2000

By	cindy (California, U.S.A.) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself (Hardcover)

Beverly's book has been the catalyst for me to begin loving myself. I have had the opportunity to put into practice the suggestions that she makes in her book and I can happily say that they work! I find that it really is o.k. to love me first; to take care of myself; and the rest of my life is falling into place the way that I have wanted it to for so many years. I hope that everyone who has had a problem in relationships will read this book because it can only enhance the positive. Thank you to Beverly for all of her years of study and her gift of being able to communicate that knowledge to others through her books. Enjoy.