The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman (Paperback)

~ Esquire, Sir Gentleman Brock LaBorde (Author)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description

The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman might be the most irresponsible book written since The Bible. And a bible it is, in its own right, for the billions of men alive today who have no clue how to behave in public or private situations.

Drawing from literally thousands of his countless private journals and personal scribblings, author Sir Gentleman Brock LaBorde, Esquire, this century’s self-proclaimed Master of Social Etiquette, painstakingly outlines his complex and erroneous guidelines for the impossible attainment of the ambiguous title of “gentleman”.

Impolitely smearing the footsteps left by previous well-respected etiquette gurus, Gentleman Brock pompously dissects all aspects of a modern gentleman’s life, including:

• Knowing when to mutilate yourself
• The proper way to burp the Pope
• Inviting yourself to parties
• Extreme handkerchief maintenance
• Dispensing needless advice to strangers

The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman is valuable for any man who wishes to learn how not to act in his everyday life. It is also valuable because a certain amount of paper, money, paper money, and other resources were used to print and distribute this book.

About the Author

Brock LaBorde is a comedian, writer, and comedic writer who helped create the humor phenomenon known as Studio 8 Entertainment. On his website, www.studio8.net, you can read all about his many fantastic accomplishments and failures. Currently, he lives in Louisiana and in the hearts of millions across the world.

Product Details

• Paperback: 146 pages
• Publisher: iUniverse, Inc. (January 28, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0595341527
• ISBN-13: 978-0595341528
• Product Dimensions: 8.8 x 5.8 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #1,245,014 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

10 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The pinnacle of contemporary Self Help., April 30, 2005

By	J. Patrick McGuiness "Take me down to the par... (Patrick State University) - See all my reviews

Okay. This book! Phew! Wow! What should I say? I'll start from the beginning...

...I met Brock LaBorde in 1999 while waiting for the Gap on highland road in Baton Rouge to open. The summer clothes were put on the clearance rack overnight and news spread through town like SARS in Toronto. By 9:30 the crowd outside had attracted reporters from Tiger Weekly, The Daily Reveille, and the Campus Dirt. Even the cook from "Louie's 24 Hour Cafe" was there (he brought everyone hash browns). Suddenly Brock mentioned that he was writing a book. I was shocked, "A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed. You're not gay!"

Brock insisted, "I'm a gentleman, and there aren't enough of us out there." He continued to ramble, "I want to class up society! You know; teach men that there are more important things than Golf and Wayne Newton: Bentleys, yachts, and exotic women."

Later, as we tried on cargo pants and argyle sweaters Brock lectured me. I learned more about life and life's pleasures: class, TRUE CLASS, from Gentleman Brock than I had learned throughout my six weeks of study at the Hugh McClintock Men's School for Social and Mental Etiquette.

As we were purchasing our Gap fragrances, I noticed Brock paid with a Platinum ATT student MasterCard. Classy all the way. That's Brock, Gentleman Brock LaBorde, one of a kind.

So, it was no surprise to me, of course, when Brock contacted me in February and offered me a chance to read his book, "Just send me a check or something," he commanded.

Three weeks of mowing lawns and one failed bank heist later, I got my copy of "The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman" in the mail. "YES!" I declared, as I noticed the new issues of Soldier of Fortune and Cat Fancy had arrived the same day. A trifecta. The holy trinity of literature lay on my doorstep. This was one of the greatest days of my life. I believed this to be a cosmic sign that I was invincible that day!

I read all three pieces of literature as I relaxed in a hospital bed following the incidents which occurred on the day I refer to as "the day I thought I was invincible".

I consider myself a well read individual. I've read all the classics, from "The Grapes of Wrath" to "Goosebumps: The Horror at Camp Jellyjam". It is with a well-read authority that I give my full support to "The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman", and confirm its literary genius.

The first part of LaBorde's literary masterpiece contains lessons meant to ready us for the adventure that is life. There are over two thousand topics discussed, including:

- How to put on your pants two legs at a time. While wearing shoes.
- What three words are never appropriate when one attends a dog fight at a NASCAR race?
- Cheap Wine vs. Malt Liquor: Which is appropriate when?
- How to hunt down terrorists.
- How to extort money from terrorists.
- How to escape terrorist sponsoring nations, money in hand, and not let the Internal Revenue Service] know.

The second half of the book includes harrowing stories of international intrigue and epic tales of love, hate, dislike and marginal acceptance. I'm particularly fond of the legend of "Sergi", the one eyed Russian who ran Baton Rouge's largest dumpster diving ring for over 30 years.

LaBorde uses a language as most use a metric wrench set. He's graceful, but scornful; poetic but not vigorous; stern yet ultimately altruistic.

Lee Harvey Oswald once said, "Man, this movie is great! Oh man, the fuzz!" I think that's the best way to describe LaBorde's book. Sort of "Hey, great!" But also sort of, "Hey, not so great?"

What about LaBorde's book is "not so great"? It's simple. LaBorde points out the faults which encompass our miserable lives. We are horrors. We are the worst of the worst, and LaBorde confronts us. He shoves a pile of "us" in our face and shouts, "Fill your nasal passages with your wretched essence!"

OH, THE STENCH!

This brings me back to the Gap on Highland Road in Baton Rouge on that brisk morning back in 1999. When the cook from "Louie's 24 Hour Cafe" brought those hash browns for those waiting in line, what did Brock do? He confronted the cook:

"You fool! Do you not realize this is the Gap? Do you think we want your cholesterol packed carbohydrate nuggets here? What are you trying to do? Kill us? We're the elite! We shop at the Gap! I think you're looking for Old Navy! Now walk your second hand Reebok pumps back to Louies and make us all salads. Bring some diet frescas too."

I think you may begin to understand now; LaBorde can be summed up simply. He is Life's Essential Avant-Garde Philosopher, a Philanthropist, Academician, Writer, Poet, Brahmin, Purveyor of arts, Jude Law stand in, and an American Hero.

In some far off time, perhaps a few millennia, when all the world is cosmic and collapsed, and unimaginably changed, but maybe, conceivably exactly the same; an alien or a human, or some sort of alien-human hybrid master race shall discover LaBorde's book in a clay jar on the barren shores of Lake Borgne and through whatever manner the master race reads, be it through osmosis or visually, or however, it shall discover the genius that is "The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman" and shall hold it in high esteem, possibly as gospel, and shall worship LaBorde as a god.

I suggest, if you want to act as the future alien-human master race that shall shortly conquer our quickly shrinking home planet will act, you get on the LaBorde bandwagon quick. Because Gentleman Brock is a cold-hearted, callous jerk, and if you don't worship his work soon, he won't have mercy on you when the invaders come.

4 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Sensual help, April 29, 2005

By	Dfunk "Jethro Mcoy" (Florida) - See all my reviews

Hellos my name Is jethro. Now I may not be the most Attractive man this side of alabama but I sure wasn't getting any help with having one arm. But i order this book with my two weeks pay and boy am I glad I did. The mail lady who gave me this "novel" as some would say was more than attractided to me. But she was my sister and this new law is preventin me and all kinds of folks from that kinda lovin. Any way after a week of reading I was a certified hustler. Now I have women and sometimes men, lining out side my trailer. This book changed my life Now's a days Im drving a ford (yes a ford!) and I have a new house. Thank you gentalmen Brock guy!

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars ...but I decided to naughtily peruse the words of Sir Gentleman Brock LaBorde, Esquire, April 4, 2008

By	Jessica Champlin "smarty pants" (Las Vegas, NV) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

As a lady I have no business in reading the contents of the Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman, but I decided to naughtily peruse the words of Sir Gentleman Brock LaBorde, Esquire.

I find this text to be witty and brilliant- with a gentle dose of dark humor. Each sentence is a wild journey where the end is unknown. This unpredictable creativity has granted me many shocking moments where I lost my breath, but had to find it again in order to express amusement by laughter.

The style of mixing sense with nonsense reminds me of an old favorite, Lewis Carroll. There is usually truth in nonsense, and if there isn't truth then there should at least be great humor (as in the case of Carroll and LaBorde).

The text is a great book to leave on your coffee table, the back of your toilet, or to pass out guised as a Jesus tract to save lives on a street corner.

However you use it, it is definitely a book you should own.